I have turned to God for forgiveness

  Clareissa
Ohio,  United States
 
  I had my abortion at the age of 18. I was not expecting to be pregnant at such a young age. I was still in high school and had been dating the father of my child for two years. My relationship with the dad was not a safe or stable relationship. There was a lot of verbal and physical abuse from the father. Two days before I found out that I was pregnant, I had broken up with the father. Knowing the type of person that he was, I was afraid to tell him about the baby. I finally worked the courage up to tell him that I was about four weeks pregnant. He was okay and wanted to take responsibility of his child. I was okay with him being part of the baby’s life.

After a month of being pregnant I had horrible morning sickness and it tended to last all day and night. Finally, my parents questioned what was wrong with me. I finally came clean with what was wrong. My parents were not happy. They were extremely upset and asked what I was going to do. I told them I wanted to keep my baby. They thought it was not a good idea. They didn't like the father of my child and said that he would not be part of the baby’s life and would eventually leave me. I refused to believe them. I felt like I was stuck and had to give him a chance to show them that they were wrong. After a few weeks of trying to show them they were wrong, everything fell through. I felt like my world was over. I moved in with him and decided it was the best. It was not great, it was a nightmare. I was told who I could talk to, what I was allowed to wear, and was hit at least three to four times a day. I decided to leave and not look back. I ended up homeless, bouncing back and forth between my grandparents and my biological parent’s house.

After looking how things had been in less than two months, I didn't know what to do. I thought about adoption. I was adopted and did not want that for my child, as I had been adopted and thought ill about my biological parents for what they done since they chose themselves over me. I stayed and talked with my adopted mom about the choices I had. The conversation was intense and so emotional. I was getting threats from family and friends that if I were to choose abortion that I would be disowned and not allowed near them. I was broken and so confused on what to choose. After weighing my choices I realized that I would be a single mom dealing with an abusive ex, no job, no money, nowhere to go, and no college degree. After talking with my parents about what they thought would be the best option they said abortion. I was afraid and alone, trying to make the best decision for my life at that point. My parents agreed to take me to a small clinic in Columbus.

We left early on the morning of July 20, 2009. I was told that I would be able to decide if it was what I really wanted to do after the set up appointment. I remember walking into the clinic that day. There were a lot of people like myself sitting in the chairs waiting for information on about what was about to happen. After my name was called I sat a desk and was told I owed them $100 so they could test my blood and take ultrasounds of my baby. I handed the man the money, and they took me to a room with a bed and an ultrasound machine. They lady asked if I wanted to see the baby. I told her no, that I couldn't, I would feel guilty to look. After the ultrasound I was tested for my blood type in case of an emergency. I was given a choice to go through with the abortion or not. I chose to go through with the abortion.

I was given an exam and a medication to help dilate my cervix and uterus.  I was told I was to come back the next day. The next day I woke up and headed back to Columbus. As I got out of the car there were so many protesters and people calling me a killer and devil. I was already scared, but now I was frightened. I sat down and my name was called. I remember setting in room full of other women making the same choice I made. I remember the cramps and pain I was going through physically and mentally while waiting. Finally, after waiting two hours, my name was called. I walked back to the room where the abortion took place.  It was cold, and I remember the shot they gave for pain and to numb everything below so I couldn't feel anything. The nurse was kind, and I asked if she could hold my hand while everything happened she agreed, and I didn't feel so alone anymore. I don't remember much as it was going on due to the medications that they had me on. I was walked to chair to sit and sleep the medication off. After waking up my parents and I headed home. I felt empty, ashamed, and depressed, like no one was there for me.

I had all the support from my mom, dad, and my little brother who was 16. I lay in my bed crying and screaming and dreaming non-stop for almost a month. When people called my house, I told my mom I didn't want to talk and if anyone asked I had a miscarriage. Immediately after my abortion I felt like I was extremely ashamed and embarrassed. The way felt mentally was nothing like I felt before. My aunt called and wanted to take me out since she heard I haven't left the house and done nothing but be in my room. My nightmares were so realistic and so took a huge toll on my emotions. After starting to put my emotions aside, I started to get into trouble by drinking and doing other illegal drugs. After trying to go to college, I dropped out for a semester due to the trouble I had gotten into. Drugs and alcohol made things go numb and my emotions disappear.

After going to a party one night I met a boy who is now the love of my life. He was the only person I have told other than my parents about my abortion. He told me that he loved me and that things would be okay. I never received help or any for the depression. Even though it’s been four years I still think about it, and I still get upset or sad about it. But I now realize I made the best choice for myself. I am now married, going to college, and living an amazing life. I have found forgiveness and healing through my husband and getting on some antidepressants to control the breakdowns and sleeping issues I have developed over the years. I have turned to God for forgiveness. I tend to get upset when people say horrible things about abortion, but it saved my life and changed my life for the better. After many years of pain and emotional issues I have learned to deal with my issues and pain that I went through. I have asked for forgiveness from God and learned I needed to love myself more. I finally feel free from shame and pain and that is why I am Silent No More.

   
   
Priests for Life
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