My healing journey

Saskatchewan,  Canada
  I grew up believing in the value of chastity. However, there came a time in my life where I suffered some serious rejections and gradually pushed those values away. I became promiscuous in an effort to please men and be accepted. The inevitable happened and I got pregnant in my early 20s.  

 I wanted my boyfriend to marry me but he refused and started pushing for abortion. I believed I had no one to turn to and felt like I was backed into a corner. I was too ashamed to tell anyone that I was pregnant. I was more concerned about my reputation than the life of my baby, so I let him talk me into something that I knew was very wrong.
The day my baby died a part of me died too. I felt numb, cold, empty and a deep sadness. I felt disassociated, somehow disconnected from it all. I made a vow that day that no one would ever know about my abortion, and I believed that I could not be forgiven for what I did.

 Very soon after the abortion I began to suffer anxiety and insomnia. I gradually became more and more depressed to the point of wishing I could die.  I was placed on multiple drugs.  On top of all the medications I sometimes added alcohol in order to get to sleep at night.  There came a night when I believe I would have died of an overdose if I had not thrown up. It was like having my stomach pumped. I believe that Divine intervention saved my life that night.

After 15 years of keeping my vow of silence, I finally realized that my life was a mess, and I returned to my spiritual roots. I went to see a priest and through him I received an outpouring of God’s mercy that day, which started me on my healing journey.

It took another 25 years though before I became aware that the issues I was dealing with were caused by the abortion. In 2008 I went through a one-on-one healing program and followed that with a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat.  It was through these ministries that I finally learned to forgive myself, to receive the forgiveness of my child and in a much deeper way, God’s forgiveness.

I can’t change what I did all those years ago but what I can do now is be silent no more to let others know that abortion is a very short-sighted quick fix that causes far reaching problems.
Priests for Life