It allowed me to lie to myself

  Sharon
Ontario,  Canada
 
  At the birth of our first daughter, my doctor fitted me with a contraceptive IUD, but within months, I was pregnant again. My husband quickly whisked me off to the health clinic. They granted us an abortion because of our low income and failed contraception.
 
I was anorexic before, during, and after the birth of our first child.  Anorexia controlled my life.  I passively submitted to the abortion.   It happened in a new, suburban hospital.  I was unconscious under general anesthetic, and then sent home with no memories of how I'd lost my baby.  Contraception and abortion only increased my already debilitating self-loathing.  Within four years, I deserted the marriage.
 
Soon afterward, I was a single mother with a five year old daughter, when I found myself pregnant again.  In sheer terror, I scheduled a second abortion, but my baby's father swore never to see me again if I ended our child's life.  Just one hour before the abortion, I cancelled the appointment.  The hospital abortionist attempted to shame and to ridicule me into rescheduling, but he failed, and I gave birth to my second daughter seven months later.
 
Many years later, I saw a photograph of an aborted baby in a garbage can.  It was a human person, not the blob of tissue I'd pretended to myself was removed from my body.  For the first time, I faced what I'd done and I cried.  The general anesthetic had prevented me from seeing, feeling, touching or hearing anything related to my actual abortion.  It allowed me to lie to myself.
 
After the abortion, I began drop by drop to lose all sense of who I really was and who I wanted to become.  I grew to feel worthless and not worth knowing.  Now, I believe a part of ME died with my baby.
 
I'm still trying to get in touch with and grieve these losses. It's painful and it's hard work.  Silent No More Awareness initiated my healing by giving me permission not to hide any longer, to tell the truth.  A Rachel's Vineyard retreat cemented the reality of my aborted daughter, Angel's, presence in heaven and with me.  God Himself has even poured His boundless Love and Mercy into my heart.  Change and healing have now become possible.  Thank you.

   
   
Priests for Life
www.priestsforlife.org