I felt I deserved it.

Alberta,  Canada
  I had my abortion just after my 19th birthday.  Unfortunately, this was not an informed decision as no one told me of the negative repercussions to this procedure.  I had been told by my doctor and my friends that it was a simple procedure.

 I was not in a healthy relationship at that time and I didn’t want anyone to know I was pregnant.   I chose not to talk to those that would have understood my situation. I did not think I would be able to look after a child on my own, so I thought that this would be an easy out “no one will ever know”.

The morning after the abortion I had a nightmare that I was falling down a tunnel.  As I was falling, I saw people who had been in my life while I was growing -up. Each one of them said to me “what did you do?”  I woke up in a panic and I realized then that this wasn’t as simple as I had been told. I had taken my babies life. To rationalize my feelings I told myself I did what I had to do and no one will ever know.

Soon after the abortion, the father of the aborted baby started abusing me. The pain I felt inside was nothing compared to the pain of getting slapped.  I did not care. I felt I deserved it.  I hated myself.

I had the abortion just after my 19th birthday.  After that I hated my birthdays, but I didn’t know why. Ten years after the abortion I found out that anniversary dates can bring up old emotions.

For years I would randomly get a lump in my throat as though I was going to cry, but I did not know why I was feeling like this.  I later found out that this was a sign of being stuck in the grieving process. I never allowed myself to grieve over my loss, I felt I made the choice; therefore, I did not have the right to cry.

This experience took my self-esteem, self-worth, and my confidence.  It has taken me a long time to heal from having the abortion, to let go of the regret and to forgive myself for making that decision.  I regret my abortion and this is why I am silent no more.

Priests for Life