The Empty Hole

Texas,  United States
  HI, my name is Nancy.  Well, I never chose abortion in my first pregnancy.  I delivered a healthy baby girl.  Abortion was never an option, even though my brother had told me to do so.  I was so mad at him for such a stupid idea.  However, my girl is now 13, and her dad never was responsible for us.

Since I was little, I was raised without God. After separating from my daughter’s dad, I started dating another guy who took care of me and my daughter.  He was a super nice person at first, he loved my daughter, and he told me he was going to take care of us.  So, we moved in together. One day we decided to have our own children.  When I got pregnant by him, he changed so much. He turned 180 degrees. He started calling me names.  I lived with my mom who supported me 50% financially.  He insulted my mom and my daughter.  One day he pushed me toward the bed, and he was about to beat me. He told me, “You can abort that child if you want because if you have it, I will take him/her with me.  I will do everything possible to destroy your life”. That day I cried like never before. I went to work, and I called my mom from work.  I was so sad. She told me about the abortion clinic. Her friend and I went together. My mom told me that everything would be OK. She said that she had two abortions after four children, and that my aunt and grandma did, too.  I was shocked--I didn't know this part of my mom's past.

So, I had an abortion. After the abortion happened, I saw the other ladies crying as well as me in the recovery room.  They just gave us crackers and juice.  

The next abortion the same thing happened. The same guy came and told me that he apologized and asked if I would forgive him.  My mom liked him so much that she told me she thought he really wanted to change.  She told me to make sure to use pills this time.  I started taking pills, but I still got pregnant a second time right away.  This time I didn't do anything immediately.  He had a warrant for not paying his tickets, and he was arrested one day coming from work.  He stayed for about one month in jail. During this time he wrote me letters that my mom never handed to me. He was telling me to please don't have a second abortion and everything would be OK, etc. But I never saw those letters.  Those letters might have prevented my second loss.

This time I felt that if I did it once, and I am OK, why not again?  I would be free. I was thinking that I didn’t want to bring another baby into the world without a dad.  This time I didn't tell anyone.  I drove to the clinic by myself. I was devastated.

 For the first few months, I started going out with my friends, and I had no bad conscience or guilt yet.  Maybe for the next few years I felt the same, but I was dying inside me with this heavy guilt by 2007.  When I was pregnant a fourth time with my actual husband, (a daughter who is now six years old), I couldn't tell anyone except my mom’s friend, the one who went with me to the clinic for first time.

My husband noticed a very sad and empty part of me that my baby filled at first.  But after I delivered my second baby, I was still searching a lot of articles about post abortion consequences.  I said, “Why, why am I still searching for something that is over?  GOD, grant me another baby.”  I told myself He already forgave me. When I was home alone, I searched most of the Google articles, but nothing seemed to fill that empty hole. I went to a counselor, but he told me that the only thing I had to do was to let go.

By 2010 someone invited me to a Christian Spanish Church.  I went and cried like crazy in the pastor office. I couldn't stop crying and I told them to please help me! I just felt sad and depressed all the time. I confessed my sin, and they told me about JESUS and His blood and that He already forgave me. They said that He already knew what I was suffering and that God was waiting for me, and that some people had to go through a lot of pain to follow God's ways.

Now in 2013 I feel free, but I am not the same person anymore that I was 11 years ago. I feel so insecure sometimes. My self-esteem has more downs than up sadly, especially when I’m alone at home.  When I am around people I feel happy, and all the people that know me may think I am always happy.  I have helped some women with depression to smile again. However, there is a side of me that still needs to heal, TO LET MYSELF ACCEPT HAPPINESS, TO BELIEVE THAT GOD REALLY LOVES ME. To make this feeling of being completely healed is my major challenge. Sometimes I see life in colors, others in black and white.  But, THANKS SO MUCH FOR THIS SITE! This is my first time talking in this space. I never spoke before.  Believe me; I still don't believe I am writing this. GOD BLESS YOU!

Priests for Life