Regret Immediately Set In

  Dianne
Ohio,  United States
 
  I lived for thirty something years with my dirty little secret.  I aborted a child because I was afraid of my Dad. I knew I was already a disappointment to my parents, and having a child would just be the icing on the cake.

 I sat for hours to have this thing.  I came in and it was daylight; I left it was dark outside. At the time I didn't know that the darkness would be with me for thirty something years.

 All I remember from that day is the cat poster on the ceiling above the "killing table”.
The clinic was in an old Victorian Style house. The waiting area was crowded but quiet. This was before cell phones and all the gadgets we now have.

During the procedure the nurse held my hand, as the doctor took my child's hands in bits and pieces. He never spoke that I can recall.

Regret IMMEDIATELY set in. This was everything I am against.  I was horrified by what I had just done. I stuffed this emotion and all the ugly down.

The long term impact of my abortion was that I was afraid that God would take my firstborn and my second born when my kids were living at home. When I was driving and I would hear sirens, I HAD to call them to make sure they were ok.  Every time I would go for a yearly pap test, I wondered if cancer was going to be the test results. I thought that, if so, it would be God’s punishment. Not that cancer would be ENOUGH to compensate and forgive me.

 I started drinking to drown the pain.  I did drugs to drown the pain. I FINALLY found a retreat Rachel’s Vineyard; this has saved my life.  I may just laugh again!
 
I refuse to be silent. I am taking this shame and leaving it at the foot of the cross.

I miss my children; I miss seeing them grow. I am now praying to have guidance on how to apologize to the children's father, for he is now 51 and has NO children.

   
   
Priests for Life
www.priestsforlife.org