Cycle of Silence

Arkansas,  United States
  I am a wife, mother and proud grandmother!

Even though I dreamt of a story book family of my own one day, I succumbed to the cycle of abuse. I remember thinking the first time my first spouse hit me, “this is what I deserve.” What thread of hope and self-esteem I had completely evaporated. I was to remain emotionally numb and crippled for years to come. The only emotion I could express was anger. My mask of a tough façade failed miserably at protecting my shattered soul.

I continued the cycle of silence, pretending all was well and perfect. It was anything but perfect. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. When my firstborn son was just a few months old, I found I was pregnant again. I was a typical domestic abuse scenario. I found myself isolated thousands of miles from family and friends. I was very ill with an infection. All the symptoms of my first miscarriage were surfacing again.

In my naive dysfunction, I turned to whom I believed to be my only friends at Planned Parenthood. This was before Roe vs. Wade. I later learned that abortion was legal “when the health of the mother was at risk”. I could trust my “friends” to help me. As I poured out my heart I remember she sat silently writing something on a paper. I was to take these instructions to another location. They would make me feel better.

After my D&C, (ed. abortion) I did feel immediately well, at least physically. For years I carried my baggage from one broken relationship to another. Nothing ever changed but the faces. Then one day after many months of counseling and getting no better, I blurted out that I had in fact had a “therapeutic abortion.” The light went on in the eyes of the pastor who had desperately tried to unlock the key to why I could not believe that God would love me.

Although I saw no value in it at the time, I took his advice and began a post-abortion Bible study. Those weeks were the most precious time I have ever spent with the Lord. I was terrified to learn of what I had actually done. As I prayed for Him to please help me, I literally could feel His hand on mine as I turned each page. I could feel His presence all around me. Each time I speak of these moments alone with Him and my Bible study book, I can feel that same loving Presence.

After the Bible study, the Lord sent me, and I was actually able to receive the love of a Godly husband. Shortly after we were married, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. No one told me that this was a side effect of abortion. My husband was there every step of the way! He sat with me through every chemo, every surgery and even shaved his head when my hair fell out! He is not post-abortive but the Lord has placed in him a love and compassion for those of us who are. He encourages and supports me in this area of ministry.

I will be silent no more.  Abortion hurts!

Priests for Life