I hid my feelings

  Leanne
Ohio,  United States
 
  I had an abortion because I felt it was the only way my life could return to "normal."  

I had recently broken up with my boyfriend of three years and I was devastated.  I didn't know what my future looked like and I was scared.  I started drinking a lot after the break-up and met a guy at a bar.  We went home together that night and had sex.  We ended up seeing each other a few times after that.  About five weeks after first having sex with him, I found out I was pregnant.  I had officially hit rock bottom.  I told him that I was pregnant, and he said he did not care what choice I made. He could not be involved at all, as he apparently had a girlfriend.  My mother tried to convince me to flee the city where I lived and worked and go to their beach house in another state.  Basically, her solution was for me to run away and hide to not embarrass our family or me.  Initially I thought I would keep the child. After hearing that my child's father didn't want to have any part in it, and that my mom was more interested in me hiding this, I changed my mind.  My parents were absolutely beside themselves when I told them of my decision.  They are strictly pro-life.  

My child's father did take me to the clinic for the procedure and pay for half of it.  During the procedure I was in tears, complete and utter tears.  I remember lying on the exam table and sobbing.  The doctor didn't seem to care.  He made no remarks at all.  Some woman sat next to me and held my hand while he removed the life of my child from my body.  After it was complete, I was immediately moved to an area with recliners and many other women and given snacks.  I was still hysterical.  No one cared.  Finally, I was released and my child's father took me to a friend's house where I spent the next few days.  I was still living with my parents at the time, and they didn't want to see me during this process.  That was the last time I saw him.  That hurt me for years to come.  It wasn't until 2013 when I was able to reconnect with him and was able to forgive him.  I was able to realize that this not only affected me, but it also had a dramatic impact on him as well.

Immediately following my abortion, I felt intense regret and was completely depressed. I called my gynecologist and asked him for a referral to a counselor.  I started seeing her immediately.  For nearly a year, I would visit her 2 days a week.  She clearly came from the school that this wasn't a horrible thing that I did, and I should just move on.  That stuck with me for years to come.  

As time went on after the abortion, I felt and experienced strong feelings of guilt and pain.  I hid my feelings because there were only a few friends who knew about my experience, and they had virtually moved on.  My parents could not be of any support due to their strong opinions.  

It was not until I found a women's group at a local organization that I was able to deal with the pain.  These amazing women saved me!  Finally, I could talk to people who went through the same thing.  This also helped me draw closer to God. I realized that He still loves me and provides grace. During this time, I prayed and prayed that I could someday tell my husband, who had no knowledge of this. As a result of this group, my faith in God, my church pastor and constant prayers, I finally told him.  He has been extremely supportive and also provides me with grace.

After so much pain and suffering, I finally found peace and comfort through my faith in God and having a husband who accepts me for me.  I would certainly not wish this experience upon anyone.  I hope that my story can help someone else make a different choice, one that is filled with love and compassion, not sorrow, guilt, shame and selfishness.  This is why I am silent no more!

   
   
Priests for Life
www.priestsforlife.org