Never Escape the Pain

Alabama,  United States
  When I was 17, I realized I was pregnant.  I told my mom and boyfriend about it, and I was forced to have an abortion. When I went to have the abortion, I couldn't do it after seeing the ultrasound.  I was six weeks.

When I got home my mom kicked me out, and I was alone. My boyfriend didn't want anything to do with me, and I was afraid. I decided to tell my mom that I would come home, and I had the abortion. That day I was so sad and hated myself.  I remember a black lady helping me get dressed. When I was leaving, I asked to speak to the lady, and they told me that no black lady worked there. I truly believe I will see that lady in heaven when I see my babies again.

Yes, I said babies... After my abortion I started smoking weed and drinking heavily.  I was on a roller coaster of emotions and did not feel that I should be alive, so I didn't care about what happened to me. I got pregnant against 19. I decided to have another abortion. I told the guy, and he paid for it, even though he asked me to not have an abortion.  I did it anyway. I thought that I wouldn't care. I bought five Xanax to take before and after the procedure because I knew it would numb me.  For about three years after the procedure I continued on the path of destruction, taking drugs to numb me.  

When I was 22 I was pregnant again.  I decided to keep the baby... best decision I ever made. She saved me!  I am so blessed that I was given not just a second chance but a third. Since having daughter I have changed my life. I live for my daughter and now son. I had another baby at 28.
I still live with the guilt and shame of my past abortions. I pray for forgiveness, and I know I have been forgiven, but the pain of knowing what I did still hurts! I doubt it will ever leave, and I guess that's the least punishment I can give myself for the selfish act made.

I will never know if my babies were boys or girls--what they would have been like, what they would have liked doing, what their personalities would have been.  I robbed not one but two precious children of their lives. I hope that when I get to heaven they will love me and forgive me, and I will be able to hug and kiss them and tell them how so sorry I am.

I haven’t asked for support from anyone, because I'm too ashamed. I hope my story will help someone, or keep someone from having an abortion. It was the worst thing I have ever done in my life--I will never escape the pain!

Priests for Life