In 1975, I became pregnant as a senior in high school,
nearing my graduation. Against the thoughts of myself, the father of my baby,
and his parents, my mother forced me to have an abortion (said she wasn’t going
to be stuck with me and a baby). This was a traumatic and painful experience in
numerous ways. I thought I put the incident behind me and life went on.
I married in 1976, had three sons, divorced, and married
again in 1986. I was pregnant with my 4th son when I had a bizarre experience.
We were at a playground park. While my husband and young sons were playing, five
to six months pregnant - I sat on a park bench reading a magazine. “I THOUGHT”
one of my boys came and sat real close to me – I did not initially look away
from the magazine article. “I FELT” this was one of my sons, and I went to put
my arm around him. I began to when I looked at the child (who I always remember
smiling at me) and I said to him, “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were one of my
boys.” He got up and ran away like a happy child. I only watched him
momentarily. He was about 9 or 10 years old.
We had parked in a nearby restaurant parking lot and
something came over me – out of nowhere – that boy was MY CHILD. My husband
knew something wasn’t right with me and thought it was my pregnancy. I told him
– that was my son! (Neither he nor any of my sons saw the boy sitting next to
I have shared this incident with a Pastor, counselor,
even some of my colleagues (Registered Nurses). I try to remember this little
boy. He looked like my third son. I cannot remember the child having teeth –
just a toothless smile (all this from my memory). I remember that he ran up a
hill next to the park, by a church, to where all I see are two silhouettes of
men and a dog. I began to try to determine, from the standpoint of the Bible,
what happens to a fetus of an abortion – is there salvation? There is NO
SCRIPTURE that addresses terminations.
In 1992, while I was working the 11pm to 7am shift on a
Maternity unit, postpartum area, a two day old newborn was found unresponsive.
He was assigned to me, as was his mother, who had a Cesarean Section. Our staff
immediately began Neonatal CPR, and a Neonatologist (a doctor who specializes
in premature and newborn care) was called in. After well over 50 minutes in
trying to bring life back to this little infant, the Neonatologist told us to
stop. We (the nurses) did not want to. (Any child death is a Coroner’s Case –
the Autopsy later determined the little boy’s death to be SIDS – Sudden Infant
Death Syndrome). The doctor instructed me to bring the infant to the parents
after he informed them and one of the grandmothers who came to the hospital.
This has been the most difficult thing I have EVER had to do in my career as a
nurse, bringing a dead newborn to his mother.
The mother ran out of the room hysterically, and I handed
the infant to the father. The Neonatologist and I followed her. At one time she
knuckle punched me in my ribs. I understand how a person can be “numb”, because
I never felt physical pain. The doctor kept insisting I go to the Emergency
Room. I refused.
The mother was transferred off of the maternity unit onto
a surgical unit. She initially blamed me for her son’s death, but then
apologized when I went to her room to talk to her and her family. I shared what
happened to me in the park in 1986 with “my son”. I told them their son was
“ok”. I just know this.
Maybe I was given the experience in 1986 to share with
these grieving parents. Their child had “outside” life, 2 days old. My child,
my son, had only internal, and now eternal.
I named my son Joshua. I had his name tattooed along my
shoulder to honor his 40th birthday. He’s my angel on my shoulder. I have five
grown children – all are aware of my experience of their oldest brother, and
their grandmother’s part in why he is not here.
To this day, I do not believe I have ever “felt” or
“seen” him again. As a nurse, I do not hold judgment of choices adult women
make in regards to an unplanned pregnancy. I am not an advocate of abortion.
Every situation is unique. I am an advocate of responsibility and consequences.
I am an advocate of children being wanted, praised, loved, encouraged, having
acceptance and support and security. If these life lessons were missing, you
are already dead in many ways.
Here is a poem I wrote for Joshua:
My Eternal Joshua
Your life prevented from this world
An evil act of theirs
A place you started life in me
The only one who cares
I think of you up to this day
And pray you are at peace
The pain I keep with me lives on
Of which I can’t release
I met you once there in a park
As other children played
I felt you mine there next to me
The moment that you stayed
I speak of you from time to time
To those who care to hear
But know forever Joshua
To me you are so dear
The evil done was not my choice
The price is mine to pay
Please know the love I have for you
Will never go away
My little angel I keep on me
Your name my shoulder keeps
Eternal you are with me now
Although my heart still weeps
My experience at the abortion clinic was very “cold”. The
doctor hurt me and made comments about my crying. I felt ashamed, scared and
sick in my heart. I HAD NO CHOICE/NO VOICE.
I walked out of there physically and emotionally hurting.
My mother kept saying, “It was nothing…this is for the best for everyone.”
I have had sex with multiple men, did abuse drugs, and
have had problems with alcohol sometimes. I have attempted suicide twice. Yes,
I have relationship problems, but it is most likely related to my childhood and
the various forms of abuse and assault.
I did nothing wrong other than have sex before marriage.
I have and continue to ask the Lord for forgiveness often. I wrote this story
down for the very first time in April of 2017. It really helped to do this!
I AM SILENT NO MORE!