I became pregnant as a
college student in 1980. I was perched
on the edge of adulthood, my whole life ahead of me. I was in a new and serious relationship with
a young man, and didn’t want to lose him.
I didn’t want to shame and disappoint my parents. Those were the reasons I chose abortion.
My abortion was on my 20th
birthday. I was not prepared for the pain I would experience, and the sound of
the suction machine. I could see the
suction canister on the table next to me.
When I saw my baby go into the canister, I felt like something inside me
Immediately afterwards, I
forced myself to shut out the reality of what had happened. I had taken care of
my “problem.” Now I was going to put on a happy face and celebrate my
Over the next thirty years,
I struggled with guilt, depression, and relationship problems. Despite being successful, I felt
worthless. No amount of accomplishment
could erase the guilt. Raising my three
children, I often wondered about my aborted child. Mother’s Days were particularly painful.
My healing began when I
heard the words of the 139th Psalm: “You
made all the delicate, inner parts of my body, and knit them together in my
mother’s womb.....You saw me before I was born and scheduled each day of my
life before I began to breathe.” I
received forgiveness from God and my family that same day. I eventually attended a healing study called
Surrendering the Secret. I worked
through the grief that I had suppressed for three decades. I took responsibility
for my choice to abort. Most
importantly, I came to accept the freedom from the bondage of guilt that only
God offers...and that is why I’m silent no more!