I was 21 when I walked into that clinic in Buffalo, NY. And I was alone. I convinced myself that I was strong and confident. I believed the lies that society propagated, that abortion was the thing to do. I heard it wasn’t a big deal, a simple procedure. As a nursing student, this “simple procedure” didn’t scare me. I could handle it alone.
I wondered if I looked strong and confident or did everyone else in the waiting room see just how alone I really felt. As I looked around, my eyes focused on a young girl holding hands with an older women, most likely her mother. There was such sadness in their eyes. I wondered if I looked sad?
But I didn’t go there, I couldn’t go there! I was strong enough to be alone, it was a minor procedure and in a couple of hours, my problem would be gone! I tried hard not to think of what was really happening, that I was ending the life of an unborn baby.
The lies and delusions continued to drive me for more than 20 years! I took on life’s challenges full steam ahead and alone, of course! I expended a lot of energy over the years trying to keep up this façade of strength and confidence. But behind this façade was the real me, living with constant fear and anxiety. And of course there was the energy it took to hide the shame of my abortion and the guilt of taking the life of my son. I worked hard to keep this illusion from crumbling and being found out!
Marriage, infertility, the adoption process and eventual motherhood compelled me to dig deep into that day at the abortion clinic. The words from Deuteronomy 31.6 became real for me as I tried to understand to impact of my abortion. “Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” I began to understand that I wasn’t alone that day, He was with me. He was there then and He was there all those years!
By His grace and mercy and much prayer from a lot of people, I was directed to Rachel’s Vineyard in Pittsburgh. Here, I confronted the effects of my abortion, confessed it as the sin that it is and sincerely accepted the redemption and grace that comes only from Jesus Christ. When He called me to be Silent No More, His words to St. John in Revelation 21:4-5 became personal for me - He has wiped away my tears, I am no longer dead in my sin, my mourning and crying and pain is gone; the old order of things has passed away - He has made me new!
Now I am compelled to be Silent No More!