1. Did you always want to have a large family?
Yes, we did. When I was little I wanted 8 kids, and now we have ten! Actually, we are expecting our 11th. I am 47. The baby is due in August. Ages range 27 to 6.5
2. What do you say to people who say they can't afford to have more kids, or to have any at all?
You don’t know what you're missing. I admit, our financial situation is set, so we never had money problems. We always had enough money and have been comfortable so I do not sit in judgment of other couples. I know a lot of large families that just make ends meet. They do it and they don't let money be an obstacle.
3. How were you able to manage with so many children?
Each of my kids came one at a time. Also, we are very friendly with other large families, and that in itself can be a great support system.
4. Today's cultural attitudes about parenting seem to suggest that good parenting means providing many material things for your children. Do kids need a lot of material things in order to be happy in their family and to grow up as well-adjusted adults?
The happiest kids are the ones that have a box to play with as opposed to the toy in the box. Kids like to use their imagination. As far as restrictions go, I don’t let my kids have handheld games. There is the tendency to take it wherever they go and they become addicted. The constant need for stimuli is bad.
5. In considering the prospect of having many children, our society seems to dwell only on the difficulties and hardships involved. What would you say in response to this consistently negative attitude about having many children?
I think that many people may have that initial reaction. I always make sure to talk to them about the blessings, that the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages. For example, in a large family, everyone always has someone to play with and we are close knit. My oldest always comes home and stays for the weekend. His girlfriend who had only one sibling doesn't have as much to come home to as he does, and she really sees the difference when she is over our house. Two of my kids are an hour away living in an apartment together at college and come home every weekend. They miss the young ones.
6. What would you say to those who believe that parents must plan ahead of time for every child they conceive?
I don’t think we can do the planning the way God does. The children in my family who were surprise pregnancies seem to have a special touch about them. Just imagine if we had had it our way - we might not have these special kids. I'm not saying people shouldn't plan at all - planning according to church teaching is good. I don’t think every one is called to have a big family. Personally I believe in good, informed conscience. At the end of the month, we should look at where we're at and what does God want us to be doing. You take everything into consideration and you must pray with all this in mind. I think we were always open to the possibility to having another one. People should always follow His ways which can be hard but His ways always work better than the way we would plan it.
I just want to say here that you can use NFP the wrong way. You can use it to buy a boat instead of have a baby. Even with the struggle I had with this current pregnancy, I remember at one point thinking - wouldn’t it be wonderful if I had all the kids that God wanted me to have. Now I know that we really did God’s will and that we didn’t put a limit on the number of children that He wanted us to have.
7. Another idea that society seems to suggest to parents today is that if they have many children, they will not be able to love all of them with the same depth that they could if they had a small family. What would you say to this?
I love the Family Circus cartoon when the mom was expecting the fourth child, and someone asks her,"How are you going to divide that love between all those kids?" and she says that your love multiplies, it does not divide. Your love grows in the way it needs to. God puts more love in there to give to them but you have to be in tune to your kids. It is easy to get lost in the shuffle. I have always tried to stay in tune with my kids mentally. It's so important as a mom to know that.
8. What for you are the greatest blessings of having a large family?
I marvel at the people who have so few kids. If I had been one of them, my husband and I would have been done raising them by now, and we would have been all alone for these last four years. You just love the company. I love having something going on all the time... sometimes it even gets lonely with the five I still have at home. And it is a joy to see my older kids with the younger ones. My 27 year old son, for example, always looks for my baby Patrick who is 61/2. He just thinks he is amazing. My son is an engineer and my daughter, who is a reporter, always shows the most concern for the babies. My older kids - the four older ones- who are within five years of each other - they have friends - they have a ton of cousins, with whom they are close. But it seems to me that they enjoy the company of their own brothers and sisters more than anything. There is a trust and a loyalty that isn't there necessarily with cousins - only with siblings.
9. What recommendations would you give for family prayer?
We say the rosary every day now, for over 15 years. I would say 4-5 days a week, we pray before meals, or right after dinner in the evening. Mary has kept us pretty peaceful. We also pray the morning offering in the car. My husband and I have been going to Eucharistic adoration once a week for 10 years. If one of us can't go the kids will volunteer, which is amazing because these kids are looking for the opportunity to do this. In fact this past Christmas we couldn't go, so my three older kids went for us. And my kids are normal, down to earth people.
10. How do you compare the relationship you have with your husband now, after many children, with the relationship you had when you were first married?
I can't say it has changed a whole lot except that we are here for the long haul. He's thrilled about the new baby. He’s just a fantastic guy. I'd say we are a little wiser. I think I was crazy about him. I was 15 but I think that when we first got married - was I just madly head over heels - I would say no - which sounds crazy. Everything was there - the faith, the good family, and I knew he would be committed. He was not a future divorce. I think people get so caught up in the fireworks stuff or else it's not real love. They are looking for the perfect utopia. They are picky but unrealistically picky. They are scared because they see so many marriages fail. They see unhappy marriages, troubled marriages. I just remember always praying that God would increase my love. I always had that conviction that he was my future husband but it’s a not about feelings - it’s a decision.
11. Many moms I know (and fathers, too) have expressed both marvel and despair when they are faced with the challenge of having three young children at home. Why is this number the point at which parents seem to decide about putting an end to or continuing to have children?
Three was tough. Your hands are full. When they are all little it's easy to feel overwhelmed. I do remember feeling overwhelmed. But I also knew that we would have more, and I remember thinking that they wouldn’t be babies forever, that there would be an end in sight. I think four was harder. My oldest was not in Kindergarten yet. He was bored, driving me nuts. My husband was working longer hours, so I didn't have the help I could have used. I started getting serious about NFP and we didn’t have kids for three years. That’s why God gives us NFP- and that three years made the difference. Then I had the next baby, then another three years went by and then I had another. When I got pregnant with this last one - let me tell you I am very human - I thought people would say crazy things- to be this old having a baby- but every one has been so supportive. I have been floored by the response. People have been so nice, even envious. The way our society has just downplayed large families. I have been so pleasantly surprised.
12.What is the hardest part of raising a child? Is it getting up at three in the morning to feed them or is it watching them survive the coming of age, which can be at times painful and awkward for them? And does having more than one infant or teenager make it more difficult?
I think watching them go through their own struggles and knowing you can't always help them...sometimes we just have to stand there and let them go through their struggles. We can't always save them. They learn valuable lessons with struggle. As hard as it is it do that - it gives them character. It's hard to do as moms, because our instinct is to protect them. I am a worrier, and my poor husband, thank goodness is NOT a worrier. He just lets things roll and is very laid back. He keeps me balanced because otherwise, I get worked into a stew.
13. Do you have any advice for newly married couples who have no particular vision as to the size of their future family?
My best advice: just give of yourself to your spouse 100%. It should not be 50%. You should do for him what you should do for yourself. It takes time to give up that independence. I am still very much my own person, but I like to think that I build my husband up. Build your husband up in front of your kids. The best thing for your kids is for you to have a strong marriage first. Some couples bury themselves in their kids, and the marriage suffers. If they know that you put your marriage first, it gives the kids security. How do you do this? The way we talk to each other. We support each other even if we disagree - we take it somewhere else. We aren't the yelling types but if it were unpleasant it can't be in front of the kids. You have to be careful of your presentation.
14. What is your opinion of daycare facilities, babysitters? What do you think about moms who want to continue working after the birth of a child?
I hate to be judgmental. I had five girls in a row. If you want to do what's best for your child - what's best is that YOU raise them. The minute you bring someone else in, then they are raising them - don’t kid yourself. When you raise your children, they have that security that you were there for them and that you put them first. I hate the idea of day care. I realize some have no choice - God will handle the judging part here. But I hate daycare because it's unfair to them. They deserve to be raised by you. I told my kids that, when you get married, if you are not ready to stay home with kids then you should not get pregnant - if you have decided to give up your raising responsibilities.
15. In what way is parenting a team effort? On the days that you felt or feel overwhelmed by the duty or drudgery how did/do you cope?
It is a team effort in so many ways. As a couple, you support each other in statements to your children - you are a united front. My husband would agree to this. I have done most of the day to day dealings with the kids. The discipline is mine because I am home with them but he is there to back me up. Yet, they do go to my husband for things that they don’t go to for me. They go to Dad about apartment advice - practical things that they need as they get older. My 27-year old - he loves me but he has such a great respect for his Dad. The work ethic comes from him. And that is another thing that’s hard for men to keep balanced. My husband works to support his family, but his family is always first. It is touching to hear what my son says about his dad - he wants to be in business with Dad.
16. Do you have a top 5 list of things to do or to avoid for moms with large families?
Marriage comes first. Work on your marriage. Treat your children as individuals. Don't lump them together, they are all so different. Love them equally but not the same. Discipline out of love and not out of anger. Enjoy your kids!
