My life changed dramatically the day I entered the door of an abortion clinic 26 years ago and ended the life of my first child.
I was 19 years old, in a relationship and thought I was in love. Then I learned that I was pregnant. All kinds of feelings came over me and I was so confused about my future.
I was too scared to tell my parents in fear that I disappoint them. Then there was the father of the child. "How will he react to the news. What will happen to our relationship?"
I finally got the courage to tell the father and he revealed he did not want any part of being a father. I was devastated; this was someone I thought I loved and he expressed his love for me on many occasion, so how could he not want our child?
In my despair, I turned to the local Planned Parenthood for more information and advice. Abortion seemed to be the only advice they offered. They took advantage of the distress I was in and I put all my trust in what I now believe was a web of lies. I did not know or was never told the consequences I would face.
My abortion appointment was scheduled quickly and in a couple days the baby’s father and I were sitting in a waiting room of an abortion clinic. When my name was called and I entered through those clinic doors, my life changed dramatically.
The procedure was very painful physically. It felt exactly like what was taking place. I lay there as my baby was being ripped from inside me. I remember the sounds of the suction and the coldness of the room. I felt so alone. All I could do was stare at the wall, biting my lip, trying to get through it all.
In the days and months following my abortion, I would relive the procedure. I remember vividly the sounds, the pain, and the images of other women recovering from their abortion and their vacant stares.
As my relationship with the father started to dissolve, depression started setting in and both my emotional and physical pain grew.
Alcohol and drugs became my comfort and escape from the pain. I developed a promiscuous lifestyle which included immoral relationships that offered a feeling of being wanted again, yet deep inside an inner bitterness grew and I became indifferent toward men.
At the same time I found myself growing distant from the ones who loved and cared for me the most. My family and especially God. I became someone with no feelings. This was the darkness I lived for several years.
I became so self-destructive my mother and sister started traveling to various churches asking many to pray for me. I knew at times God was there, but I was ashamed of what I had done. How could He forgive me?
For many reasons, at what I consider the lowest point of my life, I felt God’s call and realized that there was no where else for me to go; there was no other way for me to be set free. I realized this and reached out to Him and by His grace I gained the strength to seek help. This gave me hope to begin to pull my life together.
My journey back has been long and hard. Healing did not happen overnight, but this time I put my trust in God and let him work in me. I have experienced His forgiveness as He has healed wounds so deep. God blessed me and still blesses me with many wonderful people. Especially the priest, the first person I went to, who held my hand as I wept and prayed. I reconnected again in my faith through the help of people involved in healing programs. And my mother and all those she asked to pray for me. God heard their voices and answered their prayers. He gave me the gift of two beautiful children, especially my 16-year-old son. After I shared my testimony and plans to speak about my abortion in public, he now truly understands my past and the depths of my heart.
I speak in honor of my child whose life I ended and I now have a responsibility to speak the truth about abortion. I have a responsibility to those who have no voice, and to those who are inflicted by the pains of abortion to let them know there is healing. And I will continue to be Silent No More.
