As I watch workers and women clients enter the abortion clinic, I see the face of abortion and wonder about the lives that are represented in those faces, the lives that are being broken by abortion. What is their story? Is it like mine?
I was 22, about to graduate from college. I came from good Catholic stock and my grade point average was 3.8. I was on my way to attaining my goal of a college education and a career in dietetics. But my personal life was a mess. After two failed relationship, I felt confused and depressed. I went to a counselor who eventually became my lover. When I found I was pregnant, I was excited. Now I would get married and have the family I had always wanted. Instead, my baby’s father arranged for an abortion. I was shocked. I had the abortion because I was afraid of losing him and was ashamed to tell my family and friends who would have supported me and my baby.
I went through the abortion as in a dream which became my nightmare for the next 30+ years. I remember the waiting room where I felt anger toward the married couple waiting to kill their child. I thought why would anyone who was married do this. I remember the pain of the abortion procedure. And I remember thinking afterwards, “Why don’t I feel relieved?” I went on with my plans for post-graduate work, but I never finished; something was broken inside. The father of my child and I eventually broke up. Abortion kills your heart as well as your baby.
When I met my husband, I fully expected him to reject me when I told him about my abortion. He didn’t, but over the years I spent barrels of his money on counselors for my depression and anxiety. My abortion came between me and all the good things of life. It was present in my every sexual act, in my children’s birth and bonding, in my relationship with my parents and family whom I never told about my abortion. Shame, guilt, and grief were my world.
Finally, a spiritual director recognized my symptoms and encouraged me to go to a healing retreat for men and women hurting from abortion. In that weekend, I reconciled with my God, with my son Samuel, and with myself. I reclaimed my womanhood, my motherhood, and my status as a child of God.
Today I coordinate those healing weekends and work as a Regional Coordinator for the Silent No More Awareness Campaign in Texas. I tell my story wherever I can and encourage others to do so, because I want everyone to know that abortion damages lives, but with God there is hope and healing.
