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For His Glory

I had an abortion because I felt alone at the time with no other options.  I wasn't educated on the fact that there WERE other options.  During the procedure, I was asked whether I wanted to see the ultrasound of my child.  I, of course, declined.  Who would want to see the face of someone they were about to murder?  It would be "easier" on me if I didn't have to.  I think had I seen his or her face, I would have re-considered on the spot. 

As I waited to go into the operating room, I just remember feeling so hopeless and emotional.  I still remember that feeling of panic and nausea, but being unable to get up and walk out the door. Something kept me in that seat, regardless of the emotional depths I plunged to thinking of what I was about to do.  Immediately after the procedure, I was still very groggy and can't really remember much. But as time went on, I was very depressed (for lack of a better word).  I had a very good job previously, but at that point I didn't care about anything and certainly didn't care whether I lived or died.  I quit my job and my life spiraled out of control in drugs and partying.  I never really spoke about it with anyone, until a friend of mine got pregnant out of wedlock with a very bi-polar, physically abusive boyfriend.  I tried to encourage her to have her baby, and let her know I'd be there to help her in any way I could.  But her boyfriend didn't want her to have their child and basically let her know he wouldn't be there whatsoever for her if she decided to keep that baby, so she decided she was going to have an abortion.   
I thought I was being a good friend in standing by her decision, so I offered to take her and pick her up and care for her. Which I did.  I do carry guilt from that day, too.  Who knows; if I would have persuaded her more, maybe her child would be here today.

 I've since found the Lord (it’s been about three years now- I guess He really found me) and I realize that I'm now forgiven for my past sin through Him. I still can't really forgive myself, though.  It's something I carry with me every day.  Some days are worse than others but when I'm reminded of that child, I still break down.  I had another baby four months ago, and I can't help but think what life would be like if her brother or sister were here.  It's a regret that will never disappear.  I've tried reaching that friend who I helped in aborting her child; sharing the Lord with her and trying to convince her that abortion is wrong but she won't listen.   I would love to help others who have been in my position.  I just don't really know where to start.  I'm fairly introverted because of my past and so it’s difficult for me to get myself out there.  I just pray that my past can be used for His glory.


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