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We Can’t Go Back in Time

I had an abortion six years ago and I regret my decision every single day of my life.  Every moment of my life I miss my baby girl and wish I could have her in my arms.  Here is my testimony:

My boyfriend and I found out we were pregnant in September 2006.  We were in our mid-twenties, a little scared but mostly excited.  Kev kept telling his friends “voy a ser un papa” (I’m going to be a dad).  But when I told my parents they didn’t share in the excitement.  They strongly suggested I consider an abortion. 

My mom brought me to a counseling appointment where I thought that it was for me to discuss options, but the lady started explaining how the procedure is done.  I felt coerced and helpless from that point on.

Kev did not want me to have an abortion but he sadly knew the final decision was in my hands.  He pleaded with me often to not take that path.  I wish so much I’d listened to him and my own heart… the parents of the precious unborn life.  But I felt pressured by my own parents and for some reason did not have enough strength to fight for my baby’s life.  I am so so sorry to my baby girl for that.

I finally underwent the procedure over a couple cold days in December 2006.  I was almost 19 weeks along in my pregnancy.  My mom took me and was loving and supportive, but it felt all wrong all along.  I felt numb, like a zombie.  Early in the morning of the second day, the day of the actual procedure, they made me take and insert pills that started the labour.  The most intense pain I have ever experienced in my life.  When I got to the hospital I just wanted the physical pain to be over.  They took me in and put me on the table and I remember thrashing and trying to sit up to see what was going on.  I wanted to see my baby girl.  I didn’t want her taken from me.  The doctor told the nurses to give me more drugs. I still thrashed and kept trying to sit up.  They gave me a triple dose of drugs and that’s the last I remember.
I woke up in a chair in a different room in the hospital.  The physical pain was gone but I had no clue of the mental and emotional pain to come.  I didn’t feel the regret quite then because I was very groggy and out of it.  My mom drove me back to her house where I slept.  I woke up to heavy blood.  I ran to the bathroom with blood and tissue gushing out of me.  There was a piece of tissue that looked like a fetus.  I don’t know to this day what that was, but that’s the moment it hit me what I’d done.  The regret and guilt overwhelmed me, and hasn’t left me since.  I wanted a baby from that moment on.  I was a mother with no baby, and it was, and still is, one of the most horrible feelings I can imagine.  The leaking breast milk with no baby to nurse, the empty arms, the void in my heart, was all unbearable.
My parents tried to comfort me but there was nothing that could be said.  I moved back home to Kev and he comforted me best he could, rubbing my back while I cried myself to sleep night after night.  He tried to understand my grief, but I don’t think he could really understand why I made that choice to begin with. I think he knew all along how much pain that would cause us.  I wish more than anything that I’d followed his and my heart.

About three months after the procedure, and three months of missing our baby girl, Kev and I decided we wanted to try for another baby.  I remember when I told Kev that I wanted a baby again and I was going to stop taking the pill, he said “yes, that’s the best option.”  But that very same night we discussed it, Kev never made it home.  I lost the love of my life in a motorcycle accident, three months after losing our baby girl.  I would never be able to have another baby with Kev again.  The two loses were indescribably painful and unbearable for me. 

I had a very rough year or two following of severe medicated depression.  I’m still experiencing much of that depression.  I thank God that I can take some comfort knowing that our baby girl is up in heaven with her daddy.  And I have faith that they are doing well and happy up there.  And that we will all be together again someday soon.

And in the meantime, I am trying to live the best life I can down here to make them proud.  I have yet to be blessed with another pregnancy but I pray it will be coming very soon for me.  I still live with, and think that I always will live with immense guilt and regret for making that decision.  I also can’t help but think, would Kev not have had his accident if I didn’t make that decision.  Would he have driven slower that night knowing I was home, seven months pregnant, waiting for him?  But the hardest lesson I have learned is that we can’t go back in time, so there is no help in wondering “what if”.  It won’t bring back my baby girl or her daddy.  Nothing will. 


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