Reflecting on speaking today I came to realize that some of the fears and lies that where present when I was duped into the lie of abortion are still present and would like to hold me back from speaking…like what will people think?, Wouldn’t it be easier to just pretend?
When I was fourteen I was raped and I told someone about it. They said to me “You should not have let that happen, now you are a whore”, so at fourteen that is what I believed about myself even though it wasn’t true. I didn’t want it to be true either. Being the ninth of eleven kids in an Irish catholic family it wasn’t something I dreamed of being when I was young. So I developed what I call a false sense of morality that says it’s okay to have sex as long as you’re in a “relationship”.
So I got a boyfriend and by the time I was sixteen we were pregnant. He pressured me to have an abortion. I was sick, confused, scared and saw it as a problem that needed to be solved.
He took me to an abortion clinic. When we got there I was shaking. I remember a lady coming into the waiting room and taking me into another room. She said to me “here take this drug it will calm you down”, it was valium. Then she said, “don’t worry about it honey it’s not a baby it’s just a clump of cells”. Then she took me into another room where I remember paper sheets and a paper gown and then the abortionist came in and he put on a rubber glove and did something. I remember there where thin walls in this clinic and when he got done he walked out the door and I heard it slam behind him and the glove snap off his hand and him laugh out loud saying “ that’s the way I like to get them”. After that I went completely numb, except I could feel the tears rolling down the side of my face soaking the paper sheet I was lying on.
I‘ll never forget going back to school after that. I was standing in the hallway and this kid comes up to me and he looked me in the eyes and he said, “Eileen what’s wrong?”, I quickly answered “Nothing, Why?”. Immediately this denial had come over me. He said, “I don’t know, you look different”. I Was Different!
This was the beginning of the downward spiral in my life where I began to drink and use drugs and to keep myself numb. The first abortion set the stage for me to believe the lie that I was a piece of shit and that my life did not matter and therefore neither did my subsequent children’s lives. I went on to have two more abortions by the time I was twenty. My abortions did not solve my so called problems, they just created other ones!
If I were to describe my soul the way it must have looked to God at that time in my life I would have to say it was “Total Moral Decay” much like the culture I allowed myself to be sucked into.
The abortions affected me on many different levels and I lived my life denying that anything was wrong even though a day never passed that I did not think about the abortions or regret them. Another way was that I was afraid of Jesus Christ and thought He could never forgive me. I also struggled with intimacy and having close relationships with others, I thought no one would ever love me if they knew the truth. I certainly hated myself for what I had done.
But God is Merciful and through the prayers of family and friends I finally received the grace to tell a nun about my abortions. She prayed with me and I received the healing Love and Mercy of Jesus. As a result of this healing I was able to embrace my children, name them, Autumn, Kenneth and Daniel, and grieve their loss, I can only imagine who they would have become and I have had to grieve the loss of being a grandmother as well. Now I know my children are with me, that they love me and they forgive me.
The healing I have received has given me the strength to share my story and let others know they are not alone, because if there is there is hope for me, and there is, there is hope for everyone in Jesus Christ and that is why I am Silent No More!