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The light of forgiveness
I fully and completely regret my abortions. I had four abortions because I was so far from God and feeling so alone in the world. I lacked courage and I was selfish. I only thought about what would happen to me and not what would happen to my babies. I ignored the undeniable fact that what I carried inside me was a baby. My first abortion was when I was 17 and on my way to college. I felt that I wasn’t mature enough to be a mom and I had a whole life ahead of me (something that the abortion clinic workers and others around me were telling me as I was also telling myself. ) I don’t remember any details of the first three abortions except that I was scared going in and relieved coming out. My problem was gone, or so I thought. I didn’t know that I would suffer tremendous grief and sorrow once I realized the horror of what I had done. I sunk deeper into self punishment and despair using alcohol and promiscuity to try to relieve my pain. I remember EVERY detail of the last abortion and remember the indifference of the workers and the darkness that prevailed over the atmosphere. I remember the pain and the loneliness. 

My oldest living daughter’s heartbeat was my saving grace. I was elated and horrified at the same time. I was so excited to hear the beautiful rhythm of the heartbeat of another human being protected inside my womb and the absolute nightmare of the realization that I had paid to have other human being’s lives violently ripped from my womb and their lives snuffed out. I needed help and healing. Then someone gave me a rosary and I prayed from my whole heart to our heavenly mother begging for help even though I felt so unworthy. I had avoided her up till then because she was the perfect mother and I was the worst. She brought me to her son Jesus who brought me out of the depths of hell and into the light of forgiveness. I am eternally grateful. They brought me to Rachel’s Vineyard where I could receive healing, forgive myself and honor my children. I found love and forgiveness through reconciliation with God, my church, my husband and children who loved me even when they found out the horrible things I had done. I am loved by God and that is why I will be Silent No More and I demand a recall of abortion.


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