My name is Lisa from San Antonio, Texas. I was 16 when I became pregnant in 1984. Raised in a Christian home, I never thought it would happen to me. Terrified and ashamed to tell my parents, I let my boyfriend tell his Mom first. I was asked not to tell anyone until his Mom scheduled an appointment for me at Planned Parenthood for help. They gave me very specific suggestions about how to obtain an abortion.
After several weeks of pressure from my boyfriend and his Mom, not wanting to bring shame on our families, and being afraid I’d never leave an abusive relationship, I agreed to have the abortion.
During the procedure I wanted my boyfriend to rush in and tell me I didn’t have to do it. I wanted to run out myself but was afraid I would get in trouble or disappoint the person who had paid for our plane tickets to Dallas. I felt excruciating pain, and I told myself I deserved it. When told not to move or the Dr. might cause damage to my uterus, I was terrified. I cried, hoping that it would be over soon. I’ll never forget the sound of the life being sucked out of my body through the tubes of the suction machine. A part of me died that day. I was never the same. Months later I discovered my baby had had a heartbeat, hands, and feet. I felt horrified and betrayed. I was told it was a “mass of tissue”.
After my abortion, I felt stuck in my grief, alone while life seemed to move on for others. I wanted my baby back. I developed an eating disorder, and over the years entered into other abusive relationships. I struggled with feelings of low self-worth, a fear of authority figures, performance anxiety, and PTSD. Four miscarriages and the births of my four children brought all my repressed grief and feelings of inadequacy to the surface. I struggled with my parenting and had an unhealthy marriage. Depression and anxiety consumed me and my marriage almost fell apart. I was angry at God. My life was a mess.
For 24 years I ran from my abortion, and from God. With the help of a post-abortion recovery program and Christian counseling, I was restored to the Lord Jesus Christ. I was free, my baby Jonathan finally acknowledged. He was never forgotten. Pain turned to joy as the Lord healed my soul and my heart. It is through sharing my pain with other women and seeing that I was not alone that gave me the courage to heal. I want other women, men, and families to know there is hope and healing after abortion. That is why I am Silent No More.