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How much I love her
The time I got pregnant I knew I was pregnant right away.  I made some bad choices and when I was living on my own, I had a one night stand with a guy I worked with.   I later found out he was married.  I had to move back home with my parents.   When I had told them I was pregnant, I tried to wait to tell them but I had become so sick that I couldn’t hide it.  They told me in so many words either I have the abortion or get thrown out. 

I begged them and told them I didn't want to do it.  I told them let me give it up for adoption.  But they would not budge.  I didn’t know all the help they have out there now back then.

When we got to the clinic I just cried the whole time and when they took me to the back to do the ultrasound, I cried because I knew what was going to happen to my baby.  The lady looked at me and said you don’t want to do this do you.  I’m like no but I have no choice.  It felt like forever when they took me in the back to have it done. 

After having it done I would hear babies cry and there would be no baby.   That, I think, is one of the most hard parts; to hear a child but have nothing to go to, nothing to pick up to make the crying go away.  

I remember some time last year I asked my mom (2012) ‘ Why why did you make me do this?’  Her words were ‘Because I was selfish, I could not live with the fact my grandchild would be living with someone other than family’.   I hated my parents.  Because of them not letting me be the 22 year old adult that I was, to choose for myself, that my baby’s life was taken.  It was killed because of all that.

Church is what helped me get past to be able to forgive myself.  I still miss my baby and think every day what she (I believe it was a she because when I became pregnant with my son 2 years later I asked God to give me different than what I would have had the first time) would be like.   I know she is in the arms of God but it is so hard not to be able to hug my baby.  To tell her how much her mommy loves her.


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