The time I got pregnant I knew I was pregnant right away. I made some bad choices and when I was living on my own, I had a one night stand with a guy I worked with. I later found out he was married. I had to move back home with my parents. When I had told them I was pregnant, I tried to wait to tell them but I had become so sick that I couldn’t hide it. They told me in so many words either I have the abortion or get thrown out.
I begged them and told them I didn't want to do it. I told them let me give it up for adoption. But they would not budge. I didn’t know all the help they have out there now back then.
When we got to the clinic I just cried the whole time and when they took me to the back to do the ultrasound, I cried because I knew what was going to happen to my baby. The lady looked at me and said you don’t want to do this do you. I’m like no but I have no choice. It felt like forever when they took me in the back to have it done.
After having it done I would hear babies cry and there would be no baby. That, I think, is one of the most hard parts; to hear a child but have nothing to go to, nothing to pick up to make the crying go away.
I remember some time last year I asked my mom (2012) ‘ Why why did you make me do this?’ Her words were ‘Because I was selfish, I could not live with the fact my grandchild would be living with someone other than family’. I hated my parents. Because of them not letting me be the 22 year old adult that I was, to choose for myself, that my baby’s life was taken. It was killed because of all that.
Church is what helped me get past to be able to forgive myself. I still miss my baby and think every day what she (I believe it was a she because when I became pregnant with my son 2 years later I asked God to give me different than what I would have had the first time) would be like. I know she is in the arms of God but it is so hard not to be able to hug my baby. To tell her how much her mommy loves her.