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My name is Amanda. I grew up in a Christian home since I was 11. I learned about Jesus and enjoyed going to church. I was strongly pro-life and even despised the idea of abortion. Around the age of 16, I turned my back on God. I began to date a guy that my parents didn’t like. I got very seriously involved with him for a long time. After three years of dating I wound up pregnant. At that point our relationship was no bed of roses. We fought constantly. I was scared of how he would react about a baby. I kept the pregnancy hidden until I was 3 months pregnant. When I finally did tell him he became livid. He told me “Get rid of it!” He kept telling me that abortion now was not what it used to be. I suggested adoption, and he said he couldn’t live knowing he had a child out there somewhere. We fought well into the night, but I finally gave in. Now it seems so stupid that I listened to him, but I was afraid I would “lose him”. I called Planned Parenthood the next day. I drove myself to the clinic. I remember there was a lady in the back behind a wall yelling that they could help me. I wanted to run to her, but I was approached by the “escorts” to bring me into the building. Once I stepped foot in the door fear and shame overwhelmed me. I remember details so drastic that it even shocks me, I will not disclose most of that here, but I will tell just some. I remember the feeling of the tears burning my throat, keeping my head towards the wall so I wouldn’t see the doctor or the screen, the sounds surrounding me, a jerking and pulling, the wrenching pain, the deep desire to scream stop or get up and run, even the desire to die on the table. When it was “all done” I went to my car, no escorts to help me out, past the “recovery room,” no questions if I’m okay, just completely ignored. I got into the car and all the tears I had been forcing back flowed, I sobbed in my car. I called the guy to tell him it was over, and he didn’t answer. I called 14 times still no answer. My attitude changed drastically. I became very closed off and hateful to everyone. Even with everything that happened, when I got pregnant a second time and he asked “what are you gonna do about it?” I said, “I guess the same as last time.” I went back again to the clinic, alone. I hated myself more and even tried suicide and had constant suicidal thoughts. The guy became heavily involved in cocaine, I desperately wanted to try it but I couldn’t because I have seizures. I wanted to just disappear, and I didn’t care how. No one knew. Well two more years go by; at this time I got pregnant again. My relationship with that guy was so terrible that we both want out. We lived together so it took a while to get away. When he found out that I was pregnant again, and I was NOT going to have an abortion this time he grabbed the 12 gauge shot gun and said he would kill himself. He yelled that I was trying to trap him. I wrestled the shotgun away and he grabbed his keys and took off. I called my parents and moved back with them. That was the last time that I saw that guy.
Two and a half years later I met another man (I had sworn off dating for a while). This man was a Christian and was actively involved in church. I started going to church with him, that became our dates, supper then church on Wednesday nights. I became a Christian and gave my life to Jesus. I told this man about my abortions, I was so full of shame I couldn’t even look at him when I told him. He wrapped his arms around me and said “I still love you.” I didn’t hear his voice though. I heard God’s voice instead. That man and I were married 6 months later and have now been married happily over four years and have a family of five.
I have found forgiveness for my abortions. I was once told by another woman that had an abortion “by refusing Jesus’s forgiveness for what I did, I was basically telling Jesus that what he did for me on that cross was not enough.” That thought struck me. Even after I became a Christian I kept the abortions separate. I knew Jesus forgave sin, but I kept telling him that my sin was too bad. I began to turn over my anger, denial, guilt, shame, and depression to Jesus. He began to heal me. Psalm 32 says, “When I kept silent my bones grew old through my groaning all the day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my vitality was turned into the drought of summer. I acknowledged my sin to You, and my iniquity I have not hidden. I said I will confess my transgressions to the Lord, and You forgave the iniquity of my sin.”
Jesus forgives. What he did on that cross was enough, and he still works and heals me now!
Because of the pain and now the healing I have experienced, I can be silent no more!
God bless you,
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