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Sold into the abortion culture
I reluctantly choose to have an abortion, the summer after I graduated from high school with my first serious boyfriend, who I had been dating for some time and was very much in love with at the time. I was raised mostly by a single mother, who was a wonderful mother and provided us with the best life she possibly could. But it was very modest. She did not have the funds to send me to college. I knew that I had to go to work and put myself through college after I graduated. I was very scared, I didn't have health insurance. I was mostly hanging out with friends for the summer, undecided upon what my next step in life would be, when I learned that I was pregnant. I consulted my best friend and she confided in me that she had already had an abortion by her then boyfriend, and she suggested that I do the same. My boyfriend at the time strongly encouraged me to abort as well.
Home pregnancy tests 20 years ago were not extremely accurate. To confirm, my boyfriend at the time, visited a Pro-Life organization (which I can't recall the name of), but, I'm sorry to say, did very little to convince me to have the baby. They provided me with a free test which was also positive. I watched videos that I can't remember clearly. I couldn't totally relate to the women in the videos. I remember that. Most of them were older than I was at the time. The counselor at the clinic told me that SHE would adopt my baby if I choose to have it. My guess would be because my boyfriend and I were a very attractive young couple. When we left my boyfriend said that she seemed crazy and that there was no way we'd give her our baby, if I had it. I don't understand why she didn't offer more options that could have assisted me in having and keeping my baby, which was what a big part of me wanted to do.
I scheduled a visit to an abortion clinic with my best friend the next week. I was sickly nervous, visibly shaking, and my stomach was very upset. I felt very relieved when the abortion doctor performing my ultra-sound showed me a white speck in my stomach, what he referred to my fetus, and said, this “could” be a pregnancy, but it's too tiny to terminate. “You need to wait several weeks and come back.” I felt very relieved that I was told that I could not abort that day. Looking back, it was very unusual, however.
I went back in several weeks later, again with my best friend. I was very sick with morning sickness over those weeks. My boyfriend and I had been getting into horrible fights. I was emotionally a complete wreck and again visibly shaking at the abortion clinic.
During that ultra-sound, only several weeks later, the first doctor told me that I was 16-Weeks pregnant, and that since I was into my second trimester the abortion would be more costly and also a more difficult procedure. My exact words were, "I don't understand, I was just here several weeks ago and another doctor told me he wasn't even sure I was pregnant, that all he saw was a white 'dot' and to come back." Then I said, clearly and with certainty that I was very uncomfortable with having a more difficult procedure and that I would just have the baby. He looked perplexed and brought in a second doctor who then viewed my ultra-sound and said that I was "12-Weeks" and that we could proceed.
I remember that I was one of many girls in the clinic and the expressions on everyone's faces were nothing less than a mixture of intense fear and pain. Everyone was crying. The "feel" in the back room of the clinic was overbearing, - a place I could never return. I was so scared when it came to be my turn, I almost threw up, but instead I was shaking. I think I was given a pain-pill, but I don't remember. The procedure was a suction procedure, and it seems to take what felt like forever. I kept asking "Is it almost over?" I was crying hysterically and a kind woman was holding my hand and telling me that it will be "okay."
I still can't make it through sharing this experience without crying.
The procedure itself felt like intense cramping, and I was in such intense pain immediately following it and on the way home that I believed that there was something wrong with me. I was bleeding huge amounts and on the phone with the clinic for at least a couple days following. They kept assuring me my pain level, bleeding was 'normal.' I did not go to the doctor, or a hospital because first of all, I didn't have the money or insurance to do so and secondly, I did not want to tell anyone about this experience.
I bled in silence basically for almost a month. My relationship with my boyfriend hit rock bottom during that month. I broke up with him a couple of months later and that seemed devastating to him, because I believe he was very much in love with me. I was intensely suffering from the trauma of the abortion and I regretted it and recognized it as a mistake, almost immediately following (or during) the procedure. Probably before, but I felt that the clinic "Sold" the abortion to me, telling me it was easy, relatively painless, and by lying to me about the facts of how far along I was--probably two times. I believe I was probably 16-weeks along.
I slowly felt better, but, my relationships moving forward were different, and every time I went to see an OBGYN I had the same questions for HER. I never went to another male OBGYN after this experience. Do you see any damage done by the abortion I had? Do you see any reason why I might not be able to conceive or carry a child to term? Always, there answer was no, I seem to be perfectly healthy.
After my abortion, babies in general held a new meaning to me. I'd stare at the mothers I'd see holding babies intensely and imagine holding and having the baby I had lost. I would frequently try to 'guess' what my baby would have looked like, what she would have been like, felt like.
I met my now ex-husband around a decade later. I think I jumped into the marriage because I was beginning to worry (at 30 years old) that I was running out of time, that I might never marry and/or have a baby, and it became a very major goal in my life to replace the child I'd lost after the abortion.
I definitely married someone with whom I was incompatible. I rushed. He rushed. People do it all the time, for different reasons.
I unexpectedly became pregnant on our one-year anniversary. I was not trying. I was surprised but very happy. Today, I am divorced, but together we have the most beautiful little boy I have ever seen in my life. He's five-years old and the joy of my life.
I do believe I hug him a bit tighter each day, because of the child that I lost. I was amazed when I saw him for the first time. But an experience that should have been filled with only joy was tainted because I cried periodically shortly after he was born, finally fully knowing what I had and the incredible gift that had been taken away from me. For being too young? For not having enough money? For not having a society that supports me to bring life forth but supports me to instead end life so that I can move forward alone? I feel that the abortion culture/mentality is deplorable.
My best friend who accompanied me had a 2nd abortion in her early 20's. She lost her first planned pregnancy at 6 months because her cervix was not strong enough to support the child. He was born alive but not big enough to survive. It was devastating to her and her husband. She had to suffer through a cerclage and a very stressful pregnancy to carry the son she has now to term.
I have another friend who had an abortion in her early 20's. She is around a decade older than I am. At lunch the other day she told me, with tears in her eyes, that she 'lost' her only chance of having a child in that abortion. She never met the right man, never got pregnant again. At almost 50, she's still single and childless and pretty heartbroken about it.
My greatest joy in my life is my son. I am not sure if I will (or should) ever tell him about my abortion.
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