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The path of healing
I grew up in a very dysfunctional home where I experienced physical, mental, emotional, and sexual abuse. As a teenager I made poor choices and numbed out the pain of my home life with drugs and alcohol. During this time I was placed in juvenile jail twice.

At nineteen I became pregnant and had an abortion. I knew nothing about fetal development and the consequences abortion would have on me. I remember going into the hospital and getting into an elevator. I had then completely blocked out everything from my mind leading to the actual procedure. I remember right after being in a hospital bed in a room and feeling like I had killed my soul. I was extremely hungry and thirsty and was given a piece of toast and a drink, and was pretty much sent out the door afterwards. My friend picked me up and I got into the car and noticed in the mirror how pale I was. I looked like a ghost. I had extremely painful raw cramps, and heavy bleeding following my abortion.

When I got home, the shame and guilt I felt led me to choose harder drugs and to drink more to mask my pain. I became promiscuous and felt like trash.  I was placed in jail again, this time for crimes done because of the anger I had in my heart. When I got out of jail I became pregnant again which was an atonement pregnancy. In my mind I wanted to replace the baby I lost to abortion. I had a beautiful baby boy, and started to turn my life around. All the pain of my past led me to church and I ended up going to a youth retreat. God touched my heart in a profound way at that retreat and filled me with a desire to seek Him. This led me on a path of healing. My journey eventually led me to a Rachel's Vineyard retreat, where I finally was able to forgive myself and let go of all the shame, guilt, anger and unforgiveness I carried for years.

I can't change the fact I lost my first child to abortion, but hopefully my story can prevent others from making the mistakes I made. This is why I am Silent No More.


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