I'm Not Alone Now

        Video My name is Peggy Means, I am a Priest from the Anglican Diocese of Pittsburgh and I regret my abortion.   I was 21 years old when I walked into the clinic in Buffalo NY and I was ALONE.  Although scared, I convinced myself that I was strong and confident, I kept telling myself that this procedure I was about to undergo was no big deal and that I could handle it all by myself.    As I looked around the clinic waiting room,  I wondered  if any of these women felt so alone as I did.   My eyes were immediately drawn to a teenage girl and a woman who appeared  to be her mother,  there was such sadness in both their eyes.  They were holding hands.  I wanted to keep staring but I had to look away.  I was strong and this was no big deal!    This delusion of strength and confidence was my driving force for over 20 years – I faced the world’s trials alone.   Over the years, I used a lot of energy trying to keep up this façade of strength and confidence, trying to maneuver life alone.     I  made it clear to everyone around me that I could do life on my own;  I  didn’t want anyone to think that I couldn’t  handle the world’s trials all by myself.  I lived out these consequences of my abortion, surrounded  by people all the time, yet lonely as could be and scared to death;  scared that  this delusion of self assurance  and  this “one man band” approach to life would eventually crumble and I would be found out.

Marriage, infertility, the adoption process and eventual motherhood compelled me to dig deep into this experience and the impact that having an abortion has had on my life.     The words from Deuteronomy 31:6 became very real to me as I tried to understand how the abortion affected me.  Be strong and courageous.  Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you, He will not leave you or forsake you.    I realized that  I was not alone at the clinic  that day,  He was with me.   In the procedure room, in the recovery area and He’s with me now.  I wasn’t alone then and I’m not alone now – He will never leave me.  By His grace, I was directed to the Rachel’s Vineyard Team in the Pittsburgh area.  Here I accepted His redemption and grace and was called to minister out of this brokenness.    Specifically, The Lord wants to remind you today that He will never leave you nor forsake you;  He was with you even in the darkest of times, including an abortion.  His healing, redemption and grace is available to you.  This is why I’ve chosen to be silent no more.

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