When I was 21 years old, I had an abortion. Without an established career, and in a volatile relationship, my boyfriend, friends, and family all agreed that an abortion was the best choice for my circumstances. I was afraid I couldn't be a mother alone, and so I listened to those around me, instead of to my conscience, to my soul, which I now know was God's voice all along.
The day of the abortion, I was overwhelmed with dread. When I arrived at the clinic, it was run down and dirty. The clinic workers were cold and impersonal, leaving me in a room alone for nearly an hour, sweating and contracting without any prior explanation that this is what would occur. When they performed an ultrasound, I asked if I could see my baby. They said no and told me that it would just upset me. The doctor was rude and aggressive, and barely spoke to me. Immediately after the abortion, I felt numb. Like I had lost a part of me.
As time went on, I became more and more detached from my feelings. My capacity for deep connection in my relationships was stifled, I found myself in the same destructive patterns over and over, I felt alone, like no one knew who I really was, and I began drinking heavily. I adopted an increasingly nihilistic outlook on life and had suicidal thoughts often.
It wasn't until I became pregnant with my son in 2014 that I was able to begin confronting my abortion, and to realize what I had done, and how it affected me. On Easter of 2015, I became a confirmed Catholic, and sought forgiveness through Jesus Christ. Through Him, I have been given the strength to share this story today. Through Him, I have been given the strength to confront some of those who contributed to my abortion, and they, too, have turned to God for forgiveness. It is through programs like Forgiven and Set Free and other pro-life abortion recovery groups that I am forgiven, and that is why I am silent no more.