I had an abortion when I was 22 years old because felt I wasn't ready to have a child. On one hand I wanted the baby and even spent time looking at baby magazines and thinking if names for her. I also had a sonogram and had seen her picture and her heartbeat. Yet, my life was such a mess. My relationship with the FOB was on again and off again. I was in a few other promiscuous relationships because I had an incredible low self-esteem and was always searching for someone to love me. I was in a state where I was drinking heavily and doing drugs. I was lost and didn't have a clue what my future looked like.
I went to a local OBGYN to have the abortion. I knew where to go because about a year prior I had driven a girl I knew from the bar to her abortion. I don't remember much as I was put under for the procedure. Afterwards, a friend did pick me up and let me sleep the rest of the afternoon on her basement couch. I then remember wanting only to go out and get drunk. My parents who knew about the abortion, kicked me out of the house and I spent a week staying at hotels and living out of my car until a co-worker offered me a spare room at her apartment.
Weeks and months following the abortion I just tried to not think about it. But every day I thought about it. It made me physically sick. I used to love babies. After the abortion, the sight of baby made me want to throw up. Years following, I continued to be a functional drinker and drug user. My relationship with the FOB was shattered and my family welcomed me home for Thanksgiving, and I remember crying when I walked through the door. My father held me and said God forgave me and I needed to find a way to forgive myself. That was the first and only time it was spoken of.
Years past and I had a string of broken relationships followed by my first marriage that ended quickly. Through that marriage, I did give birth to my beautiful son. I then found myself quickly in another relationship and gave birth to my amazing daughter. I married the father of my daughter. Together we have a lot of brokenness in our past. We began looking for a church. We both had church in our upbringing, but no real relationship with God. We wanted better for our children than we could give them based on our pasts so we thought God could help.
We found the LORD and He opened up the eyes of our hearts to HIS TRUTH. A few months later, our church was hosting a baby bottle fundraiser for a local pregnancy center. I had no idea what a baby bottle fundraiser was or what a pregnancy center was. I read the info tucked inside the bottle. I felt instant condemnation and judgement. "These people would hate me."
What came next could only have been the HOLY SPIRIT, I went home looked up the Pregnancy Center and filled out an online volunteer form. Even though I was scared, I was honest and shared that I had a previous abortion. They called me and asked me to come for a tour. Upon my arrival, I was met with a smile and a hug. They were so excited to meet me and believed that God wanted to use me to make a difference. Never in my life did I think that could have been true.
They asked me to go through a healing group. I did not think I needed to. I believed that "I was good". However, in order to be a client advocate, I complied. Through the group, I realized I was NOT alone. I faced my past and recognized and confessed my sin. I came to understand that Jesus's death covered ALL my sin and that as I am now in HIM, I no longer need to feel shame, regret, or guilt. That was the old me and she is dead. The new me is ALIVE in HIM. His Spirit is in me and guides me to all TRUTH.
Yes, I had my part to play in my abortion, but I was also a victim to so many lies that I didn't even know were lies. I am who HE says I am, not what anyone else or even myself thinks. And, yes HE does want to use me to make a difference.
That group was in 2011. I went on to lead groups after that and I have been leading groups ever since. I am now the leader for BROKEN VESSELS, a post-abortive healing and reconciliation group for Women's Choice Network in Pittsburgh. PA. This ministry saved my life and I am silent no more because I cannot continue to live covered by His Grace and not make it my mission, as I have been called by God Almighty to set the captives free.
Because of the healing and love I have received, and the healing and transformation I have witnessed first-hand in others, I am Silent NO more. I cannot be silent. The enemy convinced us through his tactics that abortion is the best option and then afterwards he condemns us for our actions leading us to feel worthless and empty.
My Lord paid the ultimate price for my eternal freedom and for me to live in freedom now, and I will not let this enemy take any more, no matter who he tries to use to do his bidding. Therefore, in order to proclaim the Name above all other names, and to co-labor with HIM to share the work He has done in my life, and to let Him work in others, I am SILENT NO MORE!