Over 22 years ago, I was 20 years old living with a very abusive man and our 6-month baby. I was devastated when I found out I was pregnant again. I could barely take care of myself and the baby I had let alone another infant. I knew I couldn’t stay in that toxic situation and just couldn’t’ see a way past the crippling fear of screwing up another life. I chose to do what we women fight for, I had an abortion.
I was up all night prior pleading with God to take the child from me so that I wouldn’t have to follow through. But He didn’t so I followed through. I was already so broken and hated myself so much that I convinced myself that it wasn’t a baby, just a blob. I refused any additional pain medicine to give me comfort. I remember it being very cold and chilling. There was no love or compassion in that room, just the sound of a blender and pain that I’m still able to feel today. I looked and what I seen haunted me for decades. Besides the occasional triggers that would stiffen me to the core, I wouldn’t allow my mind to go back there.
Until the day the memories and the pain surfaced and demanded attention. After sharing this pain and regret with trusted friends. I had two different referrals to go to the After Abortion Haven. The Haven offered a weekend retreat where I not only found healing and restoration in God’s own Words, but I received God’s amazing grace which gave me the ability to forgive myself! I am so grateful to be forgiven and set free and that is why I will be silent no more.