I didn’t expect to dig so deep today, but it’s worth it to get this out. I was 15 when I had my first abortion. I was the good one in the family, smart, funny, kind, a cheerleader of all things. I fell madly in love with the guy that moved in downstairs. He was a blood, a bad boy, everything I thought I wanted. We had a plan. I was going to graduate and move out with him to Arizona and start our family. There was nothing my poor mom could do about our relationship. After all, she worked two jobs and was never home. I loved her dearly and still do, but that was perfect for us.
Soon enough he began being jealous, and soon I could see why he got the charges he did... at such a young age of 17 too. He began hitting me, cutting me down verbally and emotionally. I was a slut for being a cheerleader and only wanted attention. And who was that guy I smiled at when I greeted him?! Questions I found myself shuttering to answer. I used to dread when my mom would leave because I knew he’d come up to our apartment for more, but it began to be my comfort zone, my routine. One night he was drunk and thought I called him Andrew. I said no such thing. He punched me. I managed to lock him out of our apartment and he proceeded to take off the peep hole to our door so he could see in. He eventually cooled down and went downstairs to his place.
The next night he got drunk again, but this time I was downstairs. We started arguing about who Andrew was. I was insistent I was telling the truth and said no such thing. He hit me over the head with a full beer bottle and said I couldn’t leave. His breath wreaked of alcohol and black and milds. I can still smell that combination of that and his cologne. We got intimate, and then before he finished he sodomized me and said, “this is how it feels to f*** around on me.”
I’m sure I got pregnant one of these nights. I found out a few weeks later or so. I was terrified and so ashamed to tell my mom. She had no idea what I was going through and in a way I resented her for that. I resented my dad for not being there. I was being supported financially but not in a way to prevent this. Now I had regretted it all, but was still madly “in love.” To see the look of disappointment on my moms face when we went to tri county and confirmed I was pregnant, it took my breath away. I wanted to crawl out of my skin! I knew we were both disappointed in ourselves and at me. I was repeating the generational cycle. And I couldn’t even afford a pregnancy test, how was I going to afford a baby?! And if he does these things now, what will he do to me and my baby later? I don’t want that!!
So, the clinic gave me a list of abortion clinics to call. I remember seeing a poster of a man on the wall on wall and hated the sight of it. He looked lustful and that’s what got me here anyway. What a stupid poster for a women’s clinic I thought!
I had no help calling for my appointment, I think my mom wanted me to go through the motions or she couldn’t stomach doing that, or she had to work. Probably all of the above. So I did. I found the cheapest one that could get me in the quickest. My hands shook as I dialed the numbers. I didn’t want to do this. I had always wanted to be a mom. I knew it was wrong, but I suppressed these emotions to help me escape this. It started to feel like a ticking time bomb. I’d go to practice wondering if anyone noticed.
Then he started accepting the idea of me being pregnant. We talked about it canceling my appointment, he made me dinner (a bologna sandwich with all the trimmings haha) and rubbed my belly. I loved that! But it wasn’t long before our next fight, so my decision was confirmed. Plus, his mother didn’t think it was a good idea and neither did mine.
The dreaded day finally came. Again, I wanted to be anyone in the world in place of myself! I dreaded making these decisions! My mom drove him and I to the clinic with tears in her eyes. We drove south on Colorado Blvd. the same road to get to the zoo I remembered. Now I also associate this route with that day. Oddly enough we encountered a one-way street. She turned down the wrong way, and as if to say we were doing the wrong thing, there was a traffic sign that said “wrong way.” We looked at each other but moved on. Found the place. Wouldn’t have known such atrocities took place here. The staff wasn’t very warm. I filled out my paperwork and handed over the money. The waiting room was silent. Everyone staring off, emotional, numb. I could see the anger in my moms eyes, and the avoidance of my boyfriend. I didn’t know how he felt. He seemed indifferent. I was finally called back. Asked how far along I thought I was. I said less than two months? They did the math with me and concluded I was 6 weeks. Just cells, we don’t have to use the vacuum. I thought ok, it’s not as bad as I thought then.
They gave me a gown told me to place my feet in the stirrups and wait. I looked up at the ceiling with the fluorescent lights and the other tiles that had clouds and a kitten poster! I thought, this is not comforting at all! And then I heard the woman in another room crying. I heard the vacuum start, and she started screaming and sobbing. I could hear this!! My heart started to pound and I said to myself this is wrong! But I have to do this! I can’t back out now. They’re waiting for me out there. And with everything else said I can’t not do this!
Minutes after she was finished, I heard a knock at my door. I met the doctor, some stalky older man. I didn’t really pay attention to all that he was saying I just knew I wouldn’t like any of it. Before he started he stuck his gloved fingers inside and asked, “is this the size of your boyfriend?” I said yes. (Mind you I hadn’t even had a Pap smear before, I didn’t realize how disgusting of an act that was!!) He infected my cervix. I felt the “cramping” and the cold. Soon enough I hear what sounded like a manual suction device pumping out my baby. I cried staring up at the kittens again wishing I could be them instead.
Like he said, it was quick. He asked if I wanted to see the remains. I said yes. He held out one of those yellow butter dishes you buy butter in from the store and use later for small Tupperware. Weird. But in it was my baby. Irrecognizeable bloody matter. I was upset but couldn’t see anything I recognized so it must have just been cells right?
I felt a sense of relief and freedom from my boyfriend, but firmly believed I was going to hell! I kept this belief for much of my life. And begged God for forgiveness because I couldn’t forgive myself. It took me two more years to fully detach from that boyfriend. I thank God for the obstacles that separated us. That was divine intervention for sure!
My second one was from a boyfriend later. We had already moved out together and I would have minded settling down with him... until he turned 21. He never put his hands on me or called or did half of the things my prior boyfriend did. This was a far better choice I thought. Although it never evolved into what my past did, the alcohol was just too much for me to bear and brought back those past traumas. I was going to leave, but then I was pregnant. We both panicked and I knew I could just call and get this resolved and be free of any man after this!
So I called, found a closer clinic. I just couldn’t bear going down Colorado Blvd again. To my surprise I was early enough to just take the abortion pill, but I had to confirm my pregnancy and make sure my body could handle passing the baby. So I went in. I felt less heavy because I knew I wasn’t going through the procedure again. The women were welcoming. But again the waiting room was filled with blank stares and silence. I began to feel this take over me as well. I started to really question this. I was more capable than before. He’s not that bad, we could do this I thought. But I was also mad he let me go alone. He had to work, and my mom was too. I told her and she couldn’t go, but she said to make sure he went with me! I assured her he was going. At this point he wouldn’t stop calling. I put my phone on silent because if he truly cared he would be here or wouldn’t have even let me come.
They called my name and escorted me to the to the room with the ultrasound machine.
They detected a heartbeat and confirmed I was 6 weeks. I asked if I could see, with hesitation they turned the screen to me and asked if I wanted to go through with it still. I hesitated and said yes quietly.
They said I could talk to a counselor while I waited for the laboratory to catch up. So I did. She explained the baby can’t feel any pain at this stage. I was relieved for that. I told her my past experience and that I worried I was going to hell. She reminded me that our God is forgiving. She too had an abortion and thinks her children are her aborted children reincarnated. I was open minded and didn’t see an opposition to that. I didn’t fully trust her, but this was a different experience than before and definitely not going to be as traumatic as the first one. So we agreed I’d go forward.
The girl in the lab drew my blood and as she did I began to feel that numbness again. She noticed and asked if I wanted to do this. I nodded yes.
Then I was escort to the doctor’s procedure room. I sat down and was relieved I didn’t have to gown up or get in the stirrups this time. She explained the risks and made sure I swallowed the first pill. She gave me the second pill and told me when to insert it.
I left in a frenzy trying to get to my boyfriend who I learned talked to his dad and they agreed they didn’t want me to go through with this.
We got Good Times for lunch. I wasn’t hungry. I began to regret this decision so much. I called the clinic back to see if it was too late to change my mind. If this could be reversed or if I could not insert the next tablet that night. I was told the damage had already been done. The baby wouldn’t survive or would have birth defects. So I cried and told my boyfriend it’s already done. He was disappointed and so was I. That night I slept in his bed and waited. The cramps started. I passed everything that night. It wasn’t horrible, but it was painful. I said I’m definitely going to hell now. And again began asking for forgiveness. The mental, emotional, and spiritual hurt was still just as bad. They made it sound so easy. It’s not.
This boyfriend is my husband today. We have grown so much since then and have repented from this. A year later we got pregnant again. This time I miscarried. I bought a baby book and started noting my cravings etc. we were so excited! I lost this baby while at work... at six weeks. I started to think that this was my punishment. I resented my decisions and prayed to have a baby! I wanted nothing more in the whole world and pleaded with God to forgive and bless me even though I didn’t deserve it. We didn’t conceive again until I was 23 and he was 24. We were so happy! By now we had felt the loss and remorse, and now the blessing! We loved every second and still do! We went on to have another two years later... and then tried for one more three years after that... we ended up having a set of twins to complete our family. Sometimes I wonder if these twins are the babies I regrettably aborted and others I’m just thankful for them and don’t need to over think that. I know God will give me all the answers in due time.
Now seeing the blessings of our children and God’s grace in blessing us, there’s no way I could ever do that again! I want to help others in knowing there are alternatives, there is help, This industry exploits women at their most desperate moments. This is why I will be silent no more. I don’t want girls and women to endure this abuse from their partners or the abortion industry.