I had an abortion because I was extremely vulnerable, and I was very fearful of what to do and what would happen to me in this experience of being pregnant. I was so scared, my parents told me I couldn't come home, and I was about to be evicted from my apartment I didn't have a job, my brother paid for the abortion.
The abortion experience for me was very humiliating. The doctor was not kind at all he didn't even really speak to me. I remember he said I wasn't as far along as I thought I was. As soon as the procedure, the evil procedure, was finished I felt immense shame and it was overwhelming. I knew when I was lying on that table that I was getting ready to participate in the murder of my own child. But my fear was driving me to have an abortion. When the procedure was finished, I was ushered into a room with a bunch of Lazy Boy chairs and women sitting in them. I was told to sit in one and a nurse came to take my stats and she was probably 8 months pregnant. I remember saying to her why are you here? And she said well, you made your choice and I made my choice.
They wanted me to eat graham crackers and drink orange juice, but after seeing that nurse I just got up and left. They tried to get me to stay. but I wouldn't. I went to the car and got in and I cried hysterically for 20 minutes straight, and then I didn't cry again for a couple years. I became very promiscuous, I drank a whole lot of alcohol, I took drugs. I was so full of Shame guilt and regret. I had a breakdown, and my parents were afraid for my sanity, and I knew I was out of control. I didn't know how to deal with all the horrible things that I felt.
My mom blames herself because she wouldn't let me come home if I didn't have the abortion. I keep telling her it was my decision in the end, but she insists she's guilty of the sin of abortion. After about 3 years my mom started to talk to me about going to confession. I was mortified how can I tell a Catholic priest that I had an abortion but, the pain that I felt everyday was unbearable. Finally, I went to confession because I was desperate to do anything to help me. The priest was wonderful, and he talked about the importance of the sanctity of life. I want to confession several times over the next few years and the priest would say God forgave you the first time you asked. The problem was I couldn't forgive myself. I couldn't understand how anyone could ever forgive me for what I had done. I suffered for over two decades before finding Rachel's Vineyard.
It changed my life, it showed me that I was not alone in the blame for the abortion. The abortion industry played a huge role in the abortion.
Through guided meditation at the Rachel's Vineyard retreat, I found out the baby was a girl named Elizabeth. I can even picture her. A year after the retreat, I met a woman who was giving a lecture at the college where I attended classes and she was someone who could heal people by touch, she said she was also a psychic. Everyone got in line to shake her hand and thank her when it was over. I was the last one and when I got up, she looked at me and smiled and said that a beautiful little girl is with you. I didn't know what she was talking about and then it dawned on me, and the lady shook her head yes and said she forgives you. She loves you, and she wants you to be happy.
Now I'm a Catholic so I don't go for psychics and all that stuff. But I was floored when she told me that. She had no way of knowing and I didn't ask her. When she said that, I was in shock and couldn't speak I went to the bathroom in tears and called my mother and told her what happened. She said it was a gift from God and that's how I like to look at it. I am greatly healed as a result of the journey I took to recover. And I am silent no more. I always share my story now, I don't know, maybe it'll help someone. It helps me to talk about it. For years I never said a word about it to anybody besides the people who knew. I was so full of shame, and I didn't want anyone to know. I still carry some shame and guilt, but I think I should because I did an evil thing. But I will speak about it today because I am silent