When I was 16, something happened that changed my decisions I would make later in life and the destructive life I had!
I got pregnant when I was 20 and had my abortion. I couldn't tell my mom, much less my father. I didn't want to disappoint him. I already had a 10 month old baby.
I would hear how he talked about my cousin that had gotten pregnant by a black guy. I was ashamed I was pregnant by a black guy I was barely dating.
When I told him I was pregnant, he didn't care and I never saw him again. He quit his job where we both had worked at while dating.
I didn't want to be alone with another baby, especially of a different race.
I had a friend that had a couple of abortions and I thought I would be okay, if I had one. She seemed ok. I was wrong!
I had two more children with my ex husband, he had sexually abused my oldest daughter when she was very young. He wasn't her father.
But, before him, I had been in an abusive relationship when I miscarried. I thought I was being punished with everything I had gone through in my life, because what I did. My abortion!
I used to joke about how I had done a lot of things from A to Z, except murder, without realizing it, I had killed my child in my womb. I had an abortion, a choice I made 35 years ago that I came to regret years later.
I felt I deserved it all. Because of what I did to God.
But, it wasn't God punishing me. It was my free will, God had given me. I didn't know the things I did, would have some kind of impact in my life. Without realizing it at the time. Abortion changes a woman forever.
Might not be right away, it can be days or a week later or many years later.
I confessed my abortion over and over, never feeling peace or forgiveness. I felt I didn't deserve it. Something was missing! It was until I lived a Rachel's Vineyard retreat in 2017, that I felt God’s forgiveness.
Only through God's mercy and forgiveness, I was able to forgive myself. And able to feel God’s Blessings, His Grace and His LOVE for me. And to feel joy in my life again. Too love my children and grandchildren. GOD’S love! God, I Love you!
God has given me the strength to continue in this journey of healing. Living Rachel's was what I needed to fill the hole of emptiness I felt for many years, it saved me, Rachel's saved my life.!