My older sister had two children as a teenager, and I watched her have a nervous breakdown during her divorce from the kids' father. She is a very strong person, and I knew if she couldn't do it, I certainly couldn't. The night before the abortion, she attempted to talk me out of it, but I was determined to go through with it. My mother also knew, but she said nothing.
At my first abortion, the baby's father drove me to the clinic, but he did not go in with me. I was alone. I was sick during the procedure and felt terribly ill after. I can still smell the smells and hear the sounds of the suction abortion. It was awful. Instead of taking me home, he drove to a tattoo parlor to get a tattoo; he left me in the back of the hot car feeling sick.
After that abortion, I stopped being active in school activities. I went from being involved in almost every extracurricular activity to being involved in none. I became promiscuous and really just didn't care anymore.
When I was pregnant at 18 (same father), I was happy to be "replacing" the child we
killed. I was 5 months pregnant when the baby's father told me to get my s*** out of "his" house (I had paid for the house we were renting using all of my graduation money on that). I moved in with my parents. I eventually told my mother I was pregnant, and she was NOT happy. Because I was so far along, my mother arranged for me to have the abortion in Colorado. She did not go with me; instead, she sent my father.
That abortion was a saline abortion. The abortionist told me what was going to happen and he told me he never wanted to see me there again. When he injected the saline into my uterus, I could feel the long needle punch through the layers of tissue. I honestly didn't understand the procedure until years later. When the baby died, I went into labor. I labored for hours alone until finally my dead child was delivered. The nurse was very kind, and the pain stopped immediately after delivery. My father came to pick me up the next morning, and when I told him how horrible it was, he started to cry and said I should have called him. His words and his reaction made me realize he really did love me. It changed our relationship forever.
After that, I was determined to get married and replace my babies. I literally married the first person who proposed, and within a year, we had our son. My post-partum depression was tremendous, but I had no idea that's what it was. It was four years until we had our daughter, and in the meantime, I had three miscarriages. I was convinced that the miscarriages were a result of the abortions. The baby that I killed through the saline abortion was also the only child I was able to deliver vaginally.
I have never forgotten those babies. I have named them, and I have done "self work" to get myself through it. The man I married told me he was glad I had the abortions because he could never have raised someone else's children. I divorced him after 28 years of manipulation and lying on his part. My healing continues to this day - over 40 years later.