I have had 2 abortions. The first at 20, the second at 31.
Both times out of fear and wanting to keep my image and reputation.
The first one was late-term at 24/25 weeks. I was in
University and I hoped, actually prayed for miscarriage (May the Lord forgive
me) especially as most of the pregnancy was painful and I experienced some
severe bleeding at some point. Which I took as a sign of the miscarriage I
wanted and foolishly didn’t get help. After a few weeks, it was evident I was
still pregnant, and I felt helpless, I had the abortion. The father, my
boyfriend at the time didn't want me to, and even visited me to beg me not to
(the relationship was long distance primarily), but I was more concerned with
my image and my future. He conceded.
The abortion experience was horrible, It was chemical and I
had to take the pills the day before, then go back to the clinic for the
extraction. I went through it alone as I didn't want anyone to know I was
pregnant and my boyfriend was back home, in another country. I tend to push
down painful memories, so I don't remember much. I do know that the pain after
taking the pills was horrendous. It began a few hours after and got worse over
the night (my appointment was in the morning).
I remember pretending I was okay as I went for dinner with
friends and rode the public transport to the clinic in the morning. I then had
to lay in a delivery room of sorts with multiple reclining chairs. They weren't
really beds. I don't remember if any other girls where there with me, but then
a woman came in to help me deliver. I don't think I even saw her face as she
had on a mask. I don't really remember the procedure to deliver, but I remember
feeling some weight and seeing a fluid-filled sack, that I knew had my baby in
it. I think it was immediately put into a trash bag and handed to an assistant.
My first thought was, what if my baby was still alive and
what they would do with it, and I think I asked something along those lines and
I was reassured it wouldn't be alive and that they would take care of
everything. This has haunted me for years, the thought that either they then
murdered my child later (I guess rather than me murdering it) or kept it and
subjected it to abuse. Having no idea if my child was alive, whether they were
a girl or boy, and where they were, always haunted, especially with all the
stories of children abuse.
I always imagined that's what happened to them, and that one
day they would find me, hate me, and reveal what I did to them. Today though,
if it were possible that my child survived, seeing them would be a grace from
God, no matter the consequences. After the procedure, I was taken to another
room to rest I believe, then some lady brought me to her office to try comfort
me and explain that it's okay, and next time not to wait as long as they did me
a favor. It was comforting at the time, but I think the thing I got out of it,
combined with my fear that my baby was alive was to not wait long next time. I
regretted everything soon after walking out, and the extended bleeding was a
sore reminder. I felt like a fraud, normal things felt pointless like hanging
out with friends as I felt I was living a lie, and no one knew, and that if
they knew they would be disgusted with me. Upon reflection, I see I was
disgusted with myself (I am not sure I no longer am) and I was obsessed with
wondering who could tell what I did and would sell me out. I withdrew a lot
from people (even when I was around them). I also withdrew from Church as I
felt like the biggest fraud and that it was a reminder of the life of lies and
secrecy that I was living. I focused on my studies more, as the excuse for my
abortion had been to not mess up my future, but though my grades improved as I
used school as a distraction, the accolades felt Empty.
Worse when I got home, it was hard for me to face my family.
They had no idea what I did, but I couldn't look anyone in the eye, and any
compliment for doing well in school was like a dagger into my heart, as I knew
I was living a lie. When home, I couldn’t avoid church, and I would just
mentally clock-out, but I would also feel like my heart was burning with pain.
I then decided with my boyfriend to get pregnant again, to try makeup for what
I did and reverse it in some way. Leading to me having my living child a year
later. I used it as a way to mask the pain and justify that I couldn't have had
both babies as the pregnancy times would have overlapped, so the second one was
the Chosen one as I would see it.
I didn't know that I was also exposing that baby to the
trauma of developing in a womb that had been used in evil, and I see the
impacts in their life. It’s like they were born with a fear of neglect and
mistrust and I have had and have to work hard to maintain trust. Other
challenges in their life related to my poor decision making and stemming from
my abortions also play a role in this. Also, whilst motherhood and the busyness
of life offered distractions that I took as healing, the memories of the
abortion never disappeared, often attacking me when I least expected, and
filling me with dread of knowing what I did, not knowing where my baby was, the
fear of my actions being revealed, and being destined for hell, because I
thought God would surely never forgive me. My boyfriend and I got engaged but
eventually separated.
My second abortion was much later. I had told myself I would
now be more careful with sex, using protection and plan B in emergencies (I
didn't know it's still taking a life). I even swore to myself I would never
have an abortion again. Until pregnancy faced me once more, now as a single mom
who had moved back home, and with a boyfriend, but a shaky relationship, and no
security, especially once I realized he wasn't up for marriage. I considered my
options to leave the work I was doing and find something more secure so that I
wouldn't burden my parents, but the difficult pregnancy (I was always in pain
and spent most days laying down), the stress of trying to still act normal
especially as a mom, and a boyfriend who didn't want the child because of
mistrust and not believing they were the father, led me to give up. 'He was at
least willing to pay for the abortion, and it was still early', where the
thoughts I used to comfort myself. He mentioned the same sentiments of at least
doing it early after I told him about having an abortion before.
At first, we tried a chemical abortion, but it failed. He
then asked if maybe we should have the baby, but by then I was the hardened one
who didn't want a disabled child and tired of the pregnancy pain, so I pushed
for the physical procedure. It was hell, absolutely excruciating pain. I wish
it on no-one. I think my baby was still too small, so all I saw was blood
clots, so I tried to console myself with that. I decided early on to block out
the memory to avoid spiraling down emotionally as before. I really did harden
my heart, as I didn't even want to talk about it. Not with myself, and not with
my boyfriend, even in later months when he was hurting and trying to turn to me
for support.
However, as hardened as I tried to be, the memories would
reappear as before, especially reminding me of the reality of my first
abortion. That I had sacrificed my first child for my 'future', but I was
actually stuck since then and that after 11 years, the only lesson I had learned
was to abort early? I was older, but not wiser. Not even established as I
sacrificed my child for, and most of all, not a person of character. I was
still living the same life of lies, and I believed I was headed for hell, no
doubt. So, all I knew to do was to continue to try to block out the thoughts.
Honestly, I probably was destined for hell, my actions
deserved it, but God is a good and loving God. Oh, how merciful He is. I am
nowhere near worthy, but he sought me out and pulled me out of the deep end of
sin, loneliness and despair I was living in. My life had only become more of a
mess after the second abortion, my relationship spiraled into chaos and
toxicity, I was a horrible mother who was impatient and selfish, and I couldn't
find secure work.
Eventually, my relationship ended, and I felt worthless and
like all I had done in my life was ruin it, but then God came to me. I remember
the day well. It was a Monday morning, and I was on the edge on my bed, crying
and feeling worthless. Wondering if I would ever do anything right. Wondering
if I would be sitting there again in my parents’ house after another 5 years
and another failed relationship, and maybe even another abortion. I was in
despair. Then a gentle thought came to me, that maybe try to do things God's
way than my way. I had tried to do it my way for all these years and all it led
to was a big mess that I had no idea what to do with.
I had been slowly regaining my faith and praying more up to
this point, but this encounter was clear and simple. 'Why not try it God's way?
What did I have to lose that I hadn't lost already or messed up already? Did I
even trust myself to make good decisions after so many bad ones?' That maybe
God's word and laws are not to restrict us but to protect us, including from
ourselves. It was a glimpse of freedom in a dark pit, and from there, I started
to look to truly understand the Catholic faith I had been raised in. What
wonders of the love of God I have discovered. My life had hope. Both this
earthly life, and my eternal one. Pain and hell were not the only options for
me. I could choose God, repent, be saved and be healed. I went to confession
that week, seeking it out personally for the first time ever in my life. It was
tough, and embarrassing, and I cried most of it. From relief, but also from
sadness for my sin, a wasted life, and turning away from God. I didn't really
forgive myself (I don't know if I have truly yet, I am still trying to) but I
knew God had forgiven me, and there was hope for me.
I still tried to push down the topic and emotions of my
abortions as that was my go-to solution, but, when they would come up, I slowly
and occasionally gained the courage to look for resources that help those who
had abortions. I quickly came across the Project Rachel website, and I found it
helpful, but like with many abortion healing resources, they felt like a bitter
pill to swallow, and often still is. I came to realize quickly that I desire
healing, but I don't like facing the reality of my actions and its
consequences.
So, this has been a big battle for me. I have not done any
formal program with Project Rachel or anyone else, but their prayers have been
a healing source, along with other prayers I have come across. I now aim to
pray for my babies, all aborted babies, all pregnant women, and for an end to
abortion, daily. It's truly by the grace of God being able to face reality even
in this small manner. I have also always strayed away from speaking against
abortion as I felt hypocritical, but I have managed to speak against the matter
online and to politicians in my country recently. I desire so much to be freed
from the chains of secrecy and shame that the abortions still have over me. I
pray for the courage to not be silent and to bring change. That's why I am
here, I want to be silent no more.