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Cheryl
Italy,
Italy
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I had finished college, found a job and moved away from my parents’ home into my own apartment. I was sexually active with a boyfriend during that time, but after two years we broke up and I went off the pill. He moved away to another city, but came back to get some things and we had sex one last time. During that month I also had casual sex with two other men, one of whom was a married man with children, probably to comfort myself over the loss of my boyfriend. Thus my biggest secret disgrace was that I did not even know who the father of my baby was.
When I found out I was pregnant the following month, I panicked because I was alone, afraid and deeply ashamed to be unmarried without even a steady boyfriend to help or console me. To ease my pain over what I had done, I called my ex-boyfriend and lied by telling him I was pregnant with his child. I do not remember if I asked or if he offered, but he sent me a check for the whole amount of the abortion. So I took money based on a lie I had told, which amounted to stealing, all to make myself feel supported during a time of crisis that I had created by my own selfish behavior. I now see clearly that with that one episode, I broke all Ten Commandments in one fell swoop.
My early term abortion took place at an outpatient clinic and was quickly over and painless (I was four weeks along). I was relieved to have taken care of my shameful dilemma and went back to work as if nothing had happened. But there was bleeding and two weeks later I started hemorrhaging and had to be rushed to the hospital where the same doctor that performed the abortion did a D and C. This scraping of the lining of the uterus worked to stop the bleeding because it seemed that some tissue was still left and had to be removed. So my abortion was a two-step process and afterward I returned to perfect health.
I was relieved to finally be off the hook from my problem and happily went about my life, later working for a year at the same abortion clinic to help other women. I truly believed I was doing them a favor so they could enjoy their freedom just like me. One day on another counselor’s shift at our clinic, an 18-year-old girl died of an embolism during an abortion. And even though the doctor’s license was taken away and the abortions stopped, I wrote off the tragedy as unfortunate, but unlikely to happen again.
I was still pro- choice and continued to work there as a birth control counselor. It was less than two years after Roe vs. Wade and at the time, I was grateful to be living in such a progressive era that gave me the freedom to do whatever I wanted. We thought we were so advanced and liberated back then…most of us were clueless as to the gravity of our sins or the devastation that would come of them. Sin did not exist for me personally until I saw the truth of the abortion last year, and then my entire life’s moral house of cards came tumbling down from the string of sins I had committed. But finally everything that happened later made sense: my promiscuous period, the heartbreak of my divorces, my persistent depression, my career instability, and my chronic indebtedness. No form of therapy had ever worked completely in my case, and I realize now that the underlying problem of serious and unacknowledged sin that pervaded my psyche and overall life pattern had never been addressed.
The two most life-changing revelations that I received from the Lord during this year of my re-entry and complete immersion in the Church were:
1) I was a Catholic in name only because I was not practicing the sacraments of communion and confession. I even saw myself as a sensitive, spiritual writer who was so evolved she did not need to go to Mass. But I now admit that I never made a real confession the first time after RCIA classes 18 years ago because I did not trust the priest and still denied my sins as normal behavior. Therefore, I was not fully surrendered and obedient to the Lord and my conversion never gelled. All sins had to be acknowledged and confessed with contrition, and until then I was trapped by secrecy and avoided the Church.
2) The multi-sinned abortion episode continues to take a specific toll on my life. Last March I knew I had broken all the commandments, but just this December the Lord showed me the whole truth in a simple and concrete way. As I sat down to work out a budget to handle my ever-present financial problems, an inner voice told me to write down the cost of my abortion. I did so, and was then compelled to multiply it by the number of abortions that I helped with. I was horrified to see that it was over $30,000, the same amount of my current indebtedness! That set of sins I committed as a very young woman had followed me throughout my life with ruthless precision in the form of a massive debt load for what I had done.
I could not hide from the Lord…He knew everything and I had to confess every detail which I have now done with the priest and by sending my story to you. I now know that the fullness of the truth of God’s love, healing, forgiveness and protection are found by following all the precepts of the Catholic Church. My overall healing has happened through the guidance of the Lord, the spiritual direction of the priest, by practicing all the sacraments and keeping a detailed journal of the process.
Here is my diary entry where I began grieving for my daughter:
Song of Myriam (nicknamed Mia or “mine”)
Mama, open your eyes and give me my name
The name that you and you alone can give me
My God-given name from all eternity
The one I waited so long for you to claim
Mama, open your heart and forget your shame
Hold my soul close in tender intimacy
The affection between us will set us free
From decades of silent suffering and blame
Mama, open your spirit and let it shine
Kiss me gently through your sorrow and pain
Let me be for you a covenant and sign
A child to cherish with your years that remain
Mama, tell me I am yours and you are mine
I am your daughter and did not die in vain
With this sonnet I express the profoundly complex feelings of regret and sorrow at ending my child’s life through my own selfish sinfulness. In the poem Myriam is speaking to me now and I am finally listening to her soul…it is heartbreaking to envision her little soul waiting for me to love her all these years. She asks me to open my eyes, meaning for me to become aware of her and name her properly. I ponder what it would have felt like to hold her, to look into her eyes and share that special bond that only mothers have with their babies. As a poet I imagine that she forgives me for my long years of negligence and is happy that I desire to hold and kiss her now. But she makes sure that I do not forget her ever again and asks me to make a covenant with her as my child, a promise that her life will have meaning through the force of my continuous love.
Now I sense through the Holy Spirit that Myriam through my recognition of her soul has a divine mission to save other souls and that through my writing her life will now have meaning and purpose. I pray that her death may be transformed into abundant life in that those reading my story will never do what I did rather protect the lives they have in their care. I hope that Myriam’s song of rejoicing and praise will be like that of Mary in the Magnificat. God can raise the humble and lowly to great heights, the unwanted and forgotten child can become the cornerstone of remembrance to honor the value and joy of all life. Out of shame, sorrow, humiliation, disobedience, suffering, abuse and sin arises obedience, beauty, love, joy, compassion and humility. I ask God that I and my child Myriam may become tools of abundant life, instruments of peace and love. I am having intuitive visions that I will one day found a unique
Catholic agency as a tribute to her:
Myriam’s Basket
1) Assistance for pregnant women and open adoption service
2) Catholic counseling for women and teens
3) Teenage tutoring and sibling volunteer service
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Priests for Life
www.priestsforlife.org |
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