Now I Have Peace

Arkansas,  United States
I was adopted into a very dysfunctional family where my adoptive father would manipulate my obedience by telling me I was "going to kill my mother" if I ever misbehaved in any way. Because she always had a bad heart, I believed him. I just KNEW that someday she would die and somehow it would be my fault. I grew up as a little girl believing this horrible lie.

Then, just before high school graduation, I became pregnant by a boyfriend, and I was forced into marriage by both sets of parents. ("This will just kill your mother!") My baby died shortly after birth, and I was sure it was God punishing me for getting pregnant, for years after that.   Before I could get enough money to pay for a divorce, I found I was pregnant again, (“this will just kill...”) this time giving birth to a beautiful baby boy. I still went through with the divorce and began dating again, looking for the perfect man to be my son's father...not the perfect man for me. 

I became pregnant again from a boyfriend I planned to break up with. Again, I heard my father in the back of my mind: this will just kill...and, as she was already taking care of my son while I worked, I was POSITIVE this would do her in if she knew my secret. I realize now that I chose her life over my innocent baby's precious life and was easily convinced by the abortion clinic that "it" was not a real baby yet, even though I knew deep down that it was.  I asked a cousin if she would help me by taking me to have the abortion, and she did. The clinic was using some type of suction machine and towards the end of the procedure something caused me so much pain that I kicked the "doctor". He got so angry at me that he yelled something about "being done" and then all I heard was "Get her outta here!"

After the abortion, I first felt relief that it wasn't going to be the way I would kill my mother, but then I was filled with so much anger towards both parents that it was eating me up inside. And the shame and guilt and sadness were unbearable each time I looked at my then two year old son. I finally told myself I was a horrible mother and didn't deserve him...and tried to commit suicide. Praise God, He wouldn't let me go that easily and, after a while, I began to date again. I finally met a man who I knew would be a good father to my son, and we married. I soon found I was pregnant again, but the doctors told me I needed to have a "therapeutic abortion" because I was so torn up inside that both me and the baby could both die. I didn't listen to them thankfully and took the chance of having her. We both survived, but I had to have a hysterectomy afterwards and could have no more children. She was a beautiful little miracle baby born at 8 months and just under 5lbs.

For years after I couldn't get over the shame and sadness and guilt of choosing my mom over baby.

It took many more years before I even heard of any help but again God was with me and, through Him and much counseling, I finally learned of God’s forgiveness.  But to this day I still struggle with forgiving myself. I don't think the sadness will leave until I see the baby I aborted in heaven someday. I look forward to that day with great anticipation. I have prayed to my Savior to let me know the sex of the child...which He whispered to me one night: Not only that it was a little boy but that He named him "Caleb". 

Now I have such peace inside me.  And after years of not knowing what my calling should be, God finally put it on my heart, that I should "be silent no more!" And find my place within a ministry for women who are considering abortion.
Priests for Life