I want to Heal, Not Forget

Ohio,  United States
Thank you for allowing me into this group. The struggle has been beyond hard for me. I was 13 years old when I had my abortion. I thought then that "This is what I have to do to have a future" mostly because of both sides (father of the baby and my family) pressuring us. I was only a freshman in high school and what did I know? I knew I really didn't want to do this! I finally went to have it done with my mom and my grandma with me. I wanted to see the baby on the ultrasound before but they wouldn't let me, I was so scared. During the procedure, I remember waking up after and asking to see it. Why? I really have no idea, I had never been under sedation before so who knew how I would react! But the woman actually showed it to me! She showed a 13-year old girl the tub filled with blood and said "yeah your baby is in there". After I was put into the recovery room where most women were sitting on medal folding chairs, I woke up and asked for my mom. We left and the depression started. 

I ended up pregnant again at 15 after I had been on birth control for 2 years. The father tried to pressure me into yet another abortion and I told him absolutely not, never again! 

That baby boy is now 13 years old. I can't say that I didn't struggle but I had another son at 21 and married his father. 

I have a successful career, own our home and live an amazing life together, but the guilt and sadness that came from the day when I was 13 will haunt me for the rest of my life. I cannot have anymore children and to this day I wonder if that would have been my baby girl. My heartaches and I no have relief from it. 

I hope one day I can help other girls and women in my position, who feel they have no way out but I promise after having my oldest son I realized, life could have been worse and I couldn't imagine life without my children. I don't want to be silent anymore because even after 16 years it hurts and I am constantly thinking of it. I want to heal, not forget! I want to remember my baby and not make it "okay" that it happened. Thank you for your support and the chance to share my story.

Priests for Life