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Contents

Introduction: Simon Peter— Bumbling Backwater Fisherman?

Chapter 1:  The Illusory Safety of Denial

Chapter 2:  The Silence of Adam

Chapter 3:  Can Men Experience Abortion as a Psychological Trauma?

Chapter 4:  Proclaiming Liberty to the Captives

Chapter 5:  Male Celebrities With Abortion Loss

Chapter 6:  Water and Bridges – Relationships After Abortion

Chapter 7:  Gina’s Story

Chapter 8:  The Legacy of Racism and Abortion in the African-American Community

Chapter 9:  The Long Way Home:  Abortion—Addiction—Recovery

Chapter 10: Uncomfortably Numb: Breaking Through Emotional Paralysis

Chapter 11: The Restoration of Simon Peter

Acknowledgements

Kevin Burke –  Books and Biography

I N T R O D U C T I O N

Simon Peter— Bumbling Backwater Fisherman?

Jesus saw Simon and Andrew the brother of Simon casting a net into the sea, for they were fishermen. And Jesus said to them, “Follow me and I will make you fishers of men.” (Mark 1:16-17)

You have probably heard far too many sermons where the apostles of Jesus, and especially Simon Peter, were referred to as a bunch of bumbling backwater fishermen. 

The late Father Jerome Murphy-O’Connor was a leading authority on biblical archaeology and points out that fishing was big business along the Sea of Galilee. Simon Peter, contrary to common misperception, was an educated, successful and shrewd businessman:

When read carefully against the background of this ancient [fishing] industry, the scattered references to Simon Peter and Andrew coalesce into a coherent picture. They came from a prosperous, assimilated Jewish middle-class family. Speaking both Aramaic and Greek, they were brought up to serve in an administrative as well as a practical role in an essential major industry. They knew how to plan and organize.  As experienced businessmen, they were astute enough to move their home in order to take advantage of a tax break. Such shrewdness, one can be sure, also manifested itself in the way they handled competition from the many other Fishermen on the Sea of Galilee and the Jordan River. They were anything but “uneducated, common men.”¹

Jesus of Nazareth, prior to his public ministry, worked for years with his foster father Joseph in the construction trades and was familiar with the practical needs of managing a business and dealing with the public.²  

When Jesus called Simon Peter, he saw a successful manager and leader in a family fishing business, with employees and responsibilities.  These gifts would prove in time to be essential to Peter’s vocation as foundational leader of the early Christian community.

However, Jesus also saw those areas of Peter’s heart and soul that would require a painful infusion of humility, to soften his pride and allow him to honestly face his weakness, fear and mistrust.  This was a necessary and essential journey for Peter if he was to fully embrace his vocation and mission.

As the apostles gathered for what would be their final Passover meal together, Peter felt secure surrounded by Jesus and the other apostles.  Jesus turned to Peter and with great love and urgency addressed the leader of the Twelve Apostles:

“Simon, Simon, behold, Satan has demanded permission to sift you like wheat, but I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail; and you, when once you have turned again, strengthen your brothers.” (Luke 22:31-32)

Imagine Peter’s shock and humiliation when Jesus announced in front of his fellow apostles that Peter is vulnerable to Satan’s attack and his faith will be sorely tested.   Worse, Jesus seemed to suggest (“once you have turned again”) that for a time Peter will lose his faith in the one he boldly proclaimed as the Christ. 

We can imagine the injury to Peter’s pride and even hurt feelings that Jesus would see him in such an unflattering light.  Peter then made a bold proclamation to re-establish the integrity of his leadership among the other apostles, and his unquestioned fidelity to Jesus:

 …Peter said to Him, “Lord, I am ready to go with you to both prison and to death!”  But Jesus replied, “I tell you, Peter, before the cock crows this day, you will deny three times that you know me.” (Luke 22:33-34)

Just a few short hours later all hell was breaking loose.  Jesus was arrested, facing an illegal trial on trumped-up charges, and was being spit on, punched and mocked by the Temple guards.  To his credit, Peter followed closely behind as Jesus was led to the High Priest for trial.  He wanted desperately to do the right thing and stand by his Master. 

But he was afraid.

As Peter warmed himself by a fire in the courtyard of the High Priest, a servant asked him:

“Surely you are one of them; for you too are a Galilean.” Peter began to curse and to swear, “I do not know this man about whom you are talking.” And immediately a cock crowed a second time. Then Peter remembered the word that Jesus had said to him, “Before the cock crows twice you will deny me three times. He broke down and wept. (Mark 14:70-72)

Peter must have been shocked that Jesus did not resist arrest, and now his once-powerful Master was weak, vulnerable and seemingly…powerless.  Peter was separated from his fellow apostles.  His beloved leader was no longer eloquently preaching and performing spectacular miracles like raising Lazarus from the dead. Jesus was beaten and abused by the Temple guards and faced the horrible torture and humiliation of Roman scourging and crucifixion. 

Peter was shaken by these events.  He rightly feared that as the designated leader of the Twelve Apostles that he too could face similar abuse and the suffering of the cross. 

Isolated, under great stress, and afraid, he denied the One he pledged to sacrifice his life to protect.

(Endnotes)

1. Murphy-O’Connor, Jerome.  “Fishers of Fish, Fishers of Men.” Bible Review 15(3), June 1999.
2. The Greek word used in the New Testament for “carpenter” (tekton) seems to indicate more of a “general contractor.”  The term can also be used for civil engineers who build bridges and other structures, which, given the region, were more likely built with stone.

C H A P T E R O N E

The Illusory Safety of Denial

Peter got out of the boat and began to walk on the water toward Jesus.  But when he saw how strong the wind was he became frightened; and, beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!”  (Matthew 14:29-30)

John came to counseling because of anger issues, problems in his marriage and an increasing tendency to self-medicate his frustration and pain with alcohol and pornography.  As the counseling relationship developed and trust was established, I asked John if he or his wife had experienced any pregnancy loss, miscarriage or abortion.

He looked away, fixing his eyes on the open window in my office and shared: 

We had an abortion together when we were dating, before we married.  No one else knew about it. 

I invited John to talk about his abortion experience.  He was reluctant and wanted to address other issues.  I shared with John that it is possible that their abortion may contribute to some of the painful personal and relational issues he was struggling with and it would be helpful for us to explore this together.

He cut me off before I could finish and responded:

Look, it seemed the best decision at the time.  I don’t see any benefit to digging up something that can’t be changed now.  You have to move on with your life.

Abortion, rather than being an issue best left buried in the past, is one that is very much impacting men like John in the present.  It is touching every aspect of their lives. 

Since abortion became the law of the land in 1973 there have been over 58 million abortions in the United States alone.  Millions of men have participated in the decision to end an unplanned pregnancy. 

A man will sometimes tell a close friend or family member about the abortion.  But more often, only the mother of the child knows and most men want to escape the feelings and memories about the abortion decision and procedure as soon as possible.  As you will learn, others are not able to repress and escape the feelings and memories of the event and no amount of alcohol, job success or sexual conquest can bring them peace. 

A Private, Personal Decision?

What further complicates this loss for men is the attitude in our society that a man’s experience, and any feelings and pain he may be struggling with, are irrelevant and unwelcome. 

Those who support abortion rights are fond of saying that “abortion is a private, personal decision between a woman and her health-care provider.” It’s a catchy sound bite.  But like much of abortion-rights rhetoric, it’s totally disconnected from the real-life experiences of men and women who participate in an abortion decision and procedure.

In the early 1970s, Drexel University sociologist Arthur Shostak accompanied his partner to a suburban abortion clinic. They had both agreed that abortion was the only sensible solution to their situation and scheduled an appointment for the procedure.   He was shocked by the level of pain and discomfort he felt that day as he sat in the waiting room. 

Shostak spent the next ten years studying the abortion experiences of men. His research included a survey of 1,000 men who accompanied wives or girlfriends to abortion centers.¹ He found that:

—One in four men considered abortion to be a participation in the death of their unborn child.

—Slightly over 80 percent said they had already started to think about the child that might have been born (29 percent think of the child “frequently”).

—Many cried during the interview process. 

The reality is that men are intimately involved in the decisions of their girlfriends, partners and spouses to have an abortion.  The research of David Reardon, Ph.D., from the Elliot Institute indicates that in 95 percent of all procedures men are very influential in the decision of a woman to abort their unborn child.²  The latest research suggests that men are significantly impacted by their abortion experience.³ 

Complicated Grief

It is true that some men may experience a sense of relief when an unplanned pregnancy has been resolved and the crisis seemingly averted.   However, regardless of one’s personal politics and morality concerning the issue of abortion, there is also present at the time of the abortion decision a natural sense of discomfort, conflict, guilt and shame.  Shostak’s research reveals that men have some awareness that they are participating in the death of their unborn child or at the very least a “potential child.”⁴

Abortion is not a normal experience of loss and grief.  It is a complicated grief.   Even if you struggle as a man to make sense of and express deeper emotions, with a natural experience of death you are at least given the opportunity to acknowledge that there has been a loss and find support moving through that experience.  There are religious rituals, social supports, expressions of concern and compassion that all help in the grieving process.

If friends or family are aware of the abortion, they usually don’t feel comfortable enough to ask you how you’re doing.  In fact they usually recommend forgetting about it as soon as possible and tell you, “don’t beat yourself up about it”; “you did the right thing”; “it’s best to move on with your life.”  

A Nation in Denial

Such well-meaning but hurtful responses are part of the individual and societal denial that many men and women are often hurting after an abortion decision. 

Newsweek magazine featured a February 2007 cover story entitled “Men and Depression.”⁵ The article revealed that men suffer much higher rates of depression than previously thought:

Although depression is emotionally crippling and has numerous medical implications—some of them deadly—many men fail to recognize the symptoms. Instead of talking about their feelings, men may mask them with alcohol, drug abuse, gambling, anger or by becoming workaholics. And even when they do realize they have a problem, men often view asking for help as an admission of weakness, a betrayal of their male identities.

Michael Addis, chair of psychology at Clark University, adds:

Our definition of a successful man in this culture does not include being depressed, down or sad.  In many ways it’s the exact opposite. A successful man is always up, positive, in charge and in control of his emotions.⁶

Terrence Real points out in his book on male depression, “I Don’t Want to Talk About It,”⁷ that men have the capacity to deeply repress areas of loss and pain.  Facing these feelings leads to a sense of vulnerability, loss of control and weakness that men perceive as more feminine emotions that are to be avoided at all cost. 

A number of men you will encounter in “Tears of the Fisherman” appear, at first glance, to be completely detached from the feelings and memories of their abortion experience.  Like John in that counseling session, they do not associate the symptoms they are suffering with that abortion event in their past.  Even if a man is aware that he is hurting from participating in the death of his unborn child, there is no safe place to share that burden.  

Vincent Rue, Ph.D., is the director of the Institute for Pregnancy Loss in Jacksonville, Florida and has extensive clinical and research experience in the area of abortion loss and men. Dr. Rue shares:

According to recent research, men do grieve following abortion, but they are more likely to deny their grief or internalize their feelings of loss rather than openly express them. Then too, in our culture men are typically discouraged from expressing their feelings. When men do express their grief, they tend to do so in culturally prescribed “masculine” ways, i.e., anger, aggressiveness, control. Men typically grieve in a private way following an abortion. Because of this, men’s requests for help may often go unrecognized and unheeded by those around them.⁸

This leaves men isolated and confused by some of the common post-abortion symptoms they may experience:

             —Anger issues

             —Addictions

             —Anxiety and depression

             —Discomfort around children or babies

             —Suicidal thoughts and actions

             —Sleep disturbance

         —Sexual and relationship problems       —Difficulty making decisions 

It is important to acknowledge how unsettling and vulnerable men can feel when they first open up this wound and the feelings and memories associated with their abortion loss.  As we will see in Chapter Ten, there are significant differences in how men and women’s brains function that can help us better understand why men can struggle with their intense emotions.  Yet despite these differences, you will learn that men share with women the same need to process and reconcile this loss.  In some cases men will be mourning their involvement in multiple abortion procedures. 

The Big Picture

You may be able to accept that abortion loss can be a painful issue for some men, but there are more serious issues that our society needs to focus on, such as unemployment, crime, fatherless families and drug abuse…right?

Think again.

“Tears of the Fisherman” will reveal how abortion intimately injures men emotionally, spiritually and relationally.  Abortion attacks the heart of male identity.  This means that millions of our spouses, fathers, spiritual leaders, workmates and warriors are wounded and would greatly benefit from increased awareness and access to healing resources. 

Chapter Four will look at the high numbers of men with abortion loss in the male prison population.   As these men grieve abortion and other life wounds in an abortion recovery program, it opens the door to deeper healing in their lives.  Inmates who could only express their pain in rage, addictions and violence learn how to become healthier and more loving men and fathers.   

This is of critical importance in our poorest minority communities were abortion rates are especially high; in New York City alone, six out of every 10 African-American pregnancies end in abortion.⁹   In some neighborhoods marriage and family life face chaos, disintegration and violence with incarceration rates among males at tragically high levels.  (One in six black men had been incarcerated as of 2001.  If current trends continue, one in three black males born today can expect to spend time in prison during his lifetime.¹⁰)

Helping church and other community leaders in minority neighborhoods to understand the value of abortion healing for men could play a very important role in reversing some of these destructive cycles of abuse, violence and fatherless families. 

Be Not Afraid

Peter had to face his own issues of fear and trust on the Sea of Galilee and at that fateful Passover in Jerusalem during the last hours of his Master’s life. 

If you are a man with an abortion in your history, you may want to avoid experiencing the emotional and spiritual vulnerability that is so essential to healing.  But like Peter, the Lord provides the grace for the journey and he will prevent you from sinking back into shame, sin and denial.

“Tears of the Fisherman” will provide a kind of GPS for your soul as you learn of other men’s journeys of recovery so you can begin to take steps to try and make some sense of it all. 

You will find essential information and hope as you enter these stormy waters and encounter your own painful memories and feelings.  What may surprise and I hope inspire you, is that the men you will read about in these pages emerged from their healing journey not weak and beaten down, but as stronger, faith-filled and compassionate men.  

By stepping out of the illusory safety of denial, and keeping your eyes fixed on the Lord, you will become a better father, husband and workmate.

If you are a friend or family member of a man with abortion loss, a counselor or a clergy/minister, this book will help you understand the wider impact of abortion on men, their relationships, families and work lives.  It will also give you the sensitivity and understanding to effectively guide them to recovery and peace.

Is there a more important mission of awareness, education and healing for a nation with over 58 million abortions since 1973? 

As our journey continues, we travel to an ancient garden, and a drama that unfolded at the dawn of human history.    

(Endnotes)

1. Shostak, Arthur and Gary McLouth.  “Men and Abortion: Lessons, Losses, and Love.” Praeger, 1984.
2. Reardon, David. Key Facts: Abortion’s Impact. http://www.theunchoice.com/pdf/FactSheets/KeyFactsSheet.pdf
3. Coyle, Catherine, R.N., Ph.D. and Vincent Rue, Ph.D.  The Alliance for Post-Abortion Research and Training (APART). www.standapart.org 4   Mary K. Zimmerman. “Passage Through Abortion.” Prager, 1977. 5   Scelfo, J. “Men and Depression: New Treatments.” Newsweek, February 25, 2007.

6. Ibid.
7. Real, T. “I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression.” Scribner, 1997.
8. http://www.catholicculture.org/culture/library/view.cfm?id=8089
9. http://www.nyc.gov/html/doh/downloads/pdf/vs/2009sum.pdf 
10. Criminal Justice Fact Sheet, http://www.naacp.org

C H A P T E R T W O

The Silence of Adam

You have probably heard the creation story from Genesis about Adam and Eve, the snake, and the apple.  Our enlightened society tends to dismiss the account as a whimsical myth.

The Genesis creation drama, if we take the time to unpack the deeper meaning in the story, reveals fundamental truths about the human person, the relationship of man and woman to God, and the timeless mystery of sin and evil. 

As you will see, it is very much a contemporary story. 

Let’s visit the primordial Garden:

Now the snake was the most cunning of all the wild animals that the LORD God had made. He asked the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You shall not eat from any of the trees in the garden’?” The woman answered the snake: “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden; it is only about the fruit of the tree in the middle of the garden that God said, ‘You shall not eat it or even touch it, or else you will die.’” But the snake said to the woman: “You certainly will not die! God knows well that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened and you will be like gods, who know good and evil.”…So she took some of its fruit and ate it; and she also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.  (Genesis 3:1-6)

Medieval artwork depicts the familiar construct of this story where Eve is tricked by the clever snake hanging from a branch in a tree as she eats the shiny apple of forbidden fruit.   But a superficial understanding of the text can serve to trivialize the encounter and minimize the frightening nature of Adam and Eve’s deceiver. 

Scripture scholar Scott Hahn suggests that the word used in this passage to depict the tempter (nahash in Hebrew) can be better translated as serpent. Hahn points out that Hebrew bible narrative often uses mythical imagery to communicate historical, theological and moral truth. For example, in Daniel 7 the four Gentile kingdoms are described as being “four beasts.”

Hahn elaborates:

The word [nahash] is used [over and over] in Hebrew to connote…a dragon figure like Leviathan or Banmuth or Rehab, the monster later in Isaiah and elsewhere in the Old Testament. Revelation 12:9 confirms this translation of nahash, not as serpent/snake, but as serpent/dragon, because there Satan is described as the “ancient serpent” and then it goes on to describe a seven-headed dragon.   So [Eve] is being confronted and brutally intimidated by a dragon that is intent upon producing disobedience.¹

Hahn then poses the question that psychologist Larry

Crabb also asked in his book “The Silence of Adam”:²

The question, then, as you read through this narrative is… where the heck is Adam in all this? By the end of the narrative you discover that he’s right by the woman because she just turns and gives him the fruit to eat…³

We often focus on the deception of the woman in this account and fail to look more closely on what Adam’s silence tells us about this couple. She was not facing just a clever snake.  Eve was confronted with a cunning and diabolical force that was taking advantage of her vulnerability, without the support and protection of her partner who was passive and silent in the face of the serpent’s attack.

The Garden of Choice

Meet a modern-day Eve and Adam, Syrah London and her partner Mark.  Syrah shares about the appointment to schedule her abortion:

I remember calling Mark after the appointment, and telling him I was going through with the procedure.

His sigh of relief broke my heart. I desperately wanted him to tell me not to do it.

But that never came…I spoke with Mark the night before the appointment, and he told me he was leaving town. Already feeling agony and defeat, his words killed any spirit I had left him, telling me to be strong. That was it.

I got out of bed, sat on the bathroom floor and wept.  I wept for this baby, I wept for what I was about to do and I wept because my world was crashing.  I knew that after that day, my life would never be the same.⁴

The decision to abort is often a type of reenactment of the fall of our first parents in the Garden.  As we learn of the vulnerability of women facing unplanned conception we can see the power of the male response to the developing pregnancy.

Scott Hahn looks at the manipulation of Eve by the serpent:

So in the cross-examination, in the interrogation that goes back and forth, Satan uses the truth in a clever, deceptive, but intimidating way to kind of force this woman to see, in effect, that if she doesn’t eat that fruit, she will die, at least in the biological, physical sense because Satan will see to it. 

Paul Swope published a groundbreaking article in 1998 entitled, “Abortion: A Failure to Communicate.”  Here is an excerpt:

When a woman faces an unplanned pregnancy, her main question is not “Is this a baby?”—with the assumed consequence that if she knows it to be so she will choose life.  Women know, though often at the subconscious level, that the fetus is human, and that it will be killed by abortion. But that is the price a woman in that situation is willing to pay in her desperate struggle for what she believes to be her very survival. …Her central, perhaps subconscious, question is…“How can I preserve my own life?”⁵

An unplanned pregnancy is experienced by many women as an existential crisis.  In the tunnel vision of such a crisis it is very tempting to embrace the lie of the serpent that abortion will help restore her (and her partner) to a precrisis state of being.   As Scott Hahn said of Satan’s deception of Eve: “If she doesn’t eat the fruit she dies.”  In the abortion scenario, Swope reveals that a woman wrestling with a decision to abort is asking “How can I preserve my own life?” 

The Genesis account reveals a timeless truth: the serpent is especially powerful in situations where there is confusion, fear and vulnerability.  He strikes in the natural disorientation and tunnel vision of a crisis to manipulate language and emotions.  The serpent sows the seeds of confusion in men and women and offers a solution that seems (in the darkness and anxiety of the crisis) more reasonable and more attuned to one’s self-interest, self-preservation and happiness.  

The Anguish of Adam

Some women and men who have been through abortion healing programs feel called to publicly share their experience of pain and recovery through an organization called the Silent No More Awareness Campaign.⁶

 Listen to the voices of these men of Silent No More as they share about their role in their partner’s or wife’s abortion:

I realized how small of a man I was ’cause if I had gone with her her that day, I probably would have realized what had happened. I would have seen how upset, how broken she was, and taken her by the hand and said “let’s get out of this place.”  —Steve

I didn’t defend the life of my own daughter based on misinformation, selfishness, fear, and shame.  I let her die to an abortionist’s knife and I died the same day. 

—Scott

I wonder what my son or daughter would look like today if I would have stood up and been a man and fought for the life of my child.  —Miguel

The anguish of Steve, Scott and Miguel touches on a core aspect of their male identity as defenders and protectors of their offspring:

 —I didn’t defend the life of my daughter.

—I didn’t stand up and be a man.

—I was weak and passive as a man while she went to have the abortion.

Their voices echo the suffering of Adam.   Imagine Adam’s anguish when he came to understand the extent of the damage unleashed by his passivity in the Garden as Eve faced the serpent’s temptation.  Men who come to honestly assess their role in abortion decisions understand Adam’s pain.⁷

Our modern-day Adam allows Eve to face her unplanned pregnancy and the serpent’s temptation while he remains passive and silent. Other fathers are not only silent; they are not present during the abortion, or abandon the mother shortly after learning of the pregnancy.

Some men use clever rationalizations, manipulation, and even coercion and violence to push their partner to eat the abortion apple.  They parrot pro-abortion ideology that “it’s your body, your choice, your decision.” 

Without reconciliation and recovery from their role in the abortion of their child, men can try to overcompensate for this injury to their manhood and repress any painful feelings of shame, guilt and loss in a variety of ways:

—By embracing a macho, hyper-masculine posture.

—Directing the pain inward, leading to depression and anxiety.

—Projecting their pain outward in anger, high-risk behavior and violence.

—Becoming sexually promiscuous or conversely experiencing sexual dysfunction

—Struggling to be decisive when making decisions and/ or commitments.  Being cut off from and avoiding their emotions, and a tendency to be distant and inaccessible in their relationships.

—Self-medicating with drugs and alcohol or other addictive behaviors such as over-work, gambling and pornography.

A Distant Thunder

Jonathan Flora is an award-winning producer for a major Hollywood studio and the writer/director of the critically acclaimed movie “A Distant Thunder” about partial-birth abortion.  This excerpt from Jonathan’s story reveals how complicated mourning after abortion can still be present even if there is no conscious sense of guilt, regret or discomfort about a man’s role in the procedure:

Jonathan:

Of course, free “love” isn’t free, and…I got a girl pregnant.  “No problem,” I thought, this was just a speed bump.  Several options presented themselves immediately.  Agreeing we did not want anyone else to know she was pregnant, we quickly eliminated all but one—abortion. 

In my eyes my future remained clear.  One of us was in love and it wasn’t me.  I knew what needed to be done.… All I had to do was write an inexpensive check and that “problem” would easily go away.

I was looking for comfort when I should have been seeking the truth.  Instead, I regurgitated the same lies and used all the common excuses to not live up to my responsibility: I was in college, too young (she was even younger), no money, in no way ready to be a father, and again, I knew she and I had no future together. 

The lie that sealed the deal?  It’s only a “blob of tissue.  It’s not a baby until sometime later,” I was told.  However, no one could tell me exactly when that time was.  This dehumanizing of the baby was the biggest lie of all.  This final lie closed the deal on how I was able to completely disconnect from the truth of what was about to take place and decide to have the abortion…

I don’t remember what I did between the time I dropped her off and picked her up.  I can’t visualize what the building looked like.  I don’t recall what kind of day it was, sunny, cloudy, cold, hot.  I do know, we never talked about it during the drive back.  Or ever.  We broke up soon after.  Even though we saw each other occasionally, we never got back together. 

For nearly two decades, I never spoke about the abortion.  Not a word.  I’m not sure it was even a conscious decision.  I simply didn’t speak of it.  Whether I was aware or unaware that this is an emotional pattern seemingly developed for protection, it served just the opposite. 

In reality, I simply suffered in silence from the deep wounds unseen and numbed, hidden and unresolved, even though my lifestyle and attitude screamed of them.  I can’t tell you this led me to drugs because we all smoked pot and took other things back then and of course, we drank.  But I can tell you, it didn’t make me stop any of that either. 

Following our breakup, my attitude with women became even more emotionally detached.  I never really allowed myself to get too close.  Even though I may have tried to talk myself into believing I had a deep affection, girls were primarily for physical companionship only.  Even in those rare instances where I did experience deeper emotions, devotion and loyalty were soon excluded.  Because of this, there was never any real commitment.  This always made it easier to move on. 

… Here’s how it works.  If you never trust anyone, you’ll never really love.  If you don’t love, you’re never vulnerable.  If you’re never vulnerable, you can’t get hurt.  If you can’t get hurt, you are immune.  If you’re immune, you can do anything.…The line that separates right and wrong becomes blurred and is soon erased.

That’s the genius of deceit.  Within its complexity, it’s all very simple.  But you have to get off the downward spiral to be able to see it.

Other men have a very different abortion story from Adam in the Garden. 

They can help us answer the question: Can some men experience abortion as a traumatic loss?

(Endnotes)

1. Hahn, Scott. “Mary Holy Mother.” Catholic Pages.  http://www.catholicpages.com/bvm/hahn.asp
2. Crabb, Lawrence J., Don Hudson, and Al Andrews. “The Silence of Adam: Becoming Men of Courage in a World of Chaos.” Zondervan, 1995.
3. Ibid.
4. London, Syrah.  “The Timeline of What It’s Like to Go Through an Abortion.”  Elite Daily.  October 12, 2015. http://elitedaily.com/life/culture/ timeline-abortion-girls/1205632/
5. Swope, Paul F.  “Abortion: A Failure to Communicate.”  First Things, April 1998. 
6. www.silentnomore.com
7. This realization can be deeply painful.  If you are hurting as you read of Adam’s sin and remember your own abortion experience, do not despair.  There is hope and you can find forgiveness and healing of your pain as we shall see in some of the stories you will read.  The final chapters of “Tears of the Fisherman” will focus in depth on the healing journey.

C H A P T E R T H R E E

Can Men Experience Abortion as a Psychological Trauma?

There is growing awareness that women who experience ambivalence, pressure or coercion at the time of their abortion, are vulnerable to negative post-abortion reactions.¹ These women suffer from the cluster of symptoms that are common with other victims of emotional trauma.²

The diagnostic manual used by psychologists and psychiatrists (DSM IV) lists two key features of psychological trauma:

1. The person has experienced, witnessed, or been confronted with an event or events that involve actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of oneself or others.
2. The person’s response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror.³

Keeping in mind these criteria, can abortion be a traumatic life event for some men? Jason can help us answer that question.

Jason: My Abortion Story—A Father’s Perspective In loving memory of my son, Jamie.

I had a happy childhood growing up in the Pennsylvania countryside with two younger brothers to pal around with. We enjoyed outdoor activities like camping, fishing and swimming. In school, I pretty much kept to myself. I was voted shyest in my graduating class. I was never good at sports, but was most comfortable performing on stage. But my true passion was the armed forces. I was actively involved in the Civil Air Patrol and signed up for the Air Force when I was a junior in high school.

I left for boot camp right after finishing high school in 1989. I loved the physical and mental challenges. I worked hard and graduated with honors. I volunteered as a student leader during my technical training and couldn’t wait to get to my permanent assignment. My military career was off to a great start.

My permanent station was at Andrews Air Force Base in Washington, D.C. I quickly made new friends and discovered the joys of partying. All through high school I never even had a single drink, so I broke loose and partied hard. One night I met a girl and had my first sexual encounter. We ended up dating for a couple of years.

During Desert Storm, many of my friends went to Kuwait. My girlfriend also broke up with me for some other guy, which crushed my self-esteem. Life got boring, so I spent a lot of my time just sitting around drinking. I also became promiscuous and would sleep with anyone that would show interest. I started oversleeping a lot and got into trouble for being late for work. I no longer enjoyed my job, and I had lost myself in alcohol and sexual addiction.

I left the Air Force in 1993, returned to my home town and got a job in retail. I soon ran into Andrea, a childhood friend whom I hadn’t seen in years. She had just moved back from New York and had a five-month-old daughter named Kelly. Andrea and I started hanging out together and our relationship quickly became sexual. I bonded well with Kelly and before long we decided to get an apartment together.

It didn’t take long for me to realize I enjoyed family life, so I asked Andrea to marry me, and she agreed. We didn’t make much money, but I worked hard to support Andrea and Kelly and was getting frequent promotions at work.

From Overwhelming Joy…to Devastation

A few years later I came home from work and Andrea told me she was pregnant. I was thrilled! Kelly was almost three years old and now she’d have a baby brother or sister. I told everyone in my family and at work that I was going to be a daddy.

At first, Andrea seemed happy about the pregnancy. But after a few weeks, things started to change. She was saying things like, “I’m not sure if we’re ready for another child,” and, “We can’t afford to have a baby right now.” I tried to assure her that we’d be fine. I offered to get a second job so I could better support her and the kids. But her doubts and fears increased and finally she told me she was considering abortion. I was terrified. I had never given much thought about abortion and hadn’t even considered the possibility of aborting our own child. For me, that just wasn’t an option. I was excited about being a father and didn’t want to lose this child.

Our discussions turned into arguments. Our arguments turned into fights. It was impossible to have a civilized conversation about it. We were on opposite ends of the spectrum. Every time I tried to plead with her to keep our child, she would tell me it wasn’t my decision…that it was her body and her choice. I even offered that if she just had the baby, then I would raise it on my own. I became so desperate that I went to a lawyer to see if I could stop her. Unfortunately, he told me there was no legal action I could take. As a father, I had no rights until the child was born. I thought it was ironic that a man could go to jail for not paying child support, but could do nothing to protect his unborn child. The only hope I had was that Andrea couldn’t afford to get an abortion and I wasn’t about to pay for it.

It was on February 25th, 1995 that my life changed forever. Andrea had gone to the clinic and had the abortion while I was at work. Her sister, Cathy, had paid for the procedure and was the one who told me that it was done. The last thing I remember after hearing the news was lying in the parking lot of a bar screaming at the top of my lungs. I have no recollection of how I got home or how many days passed before I moved back in with my parents.

Searching in the Darkness

The next several months were just a blur. Andrea and I didn’t talk for a long time, and when we did, the conversations were heated.  Somehow we worked things out and I moved back in with her.  But things would never be the same. I started having anger issues, had trouble staying focused on my job, and would often break down and cry from depression. Andrea also seemed depressed at times and started exhibiting reckless behaviors. Eventually our relationship collapsed and she moved out.

My depression was getting worse and I was angry all the time at everything and everyone. I was drinking heavily and started using drugs. I was also having trouble sleeping at night and my job performance began to suffer. I was stricken with panic attacks that seemed to come for no reason and without warning.

I decided to see a psychiatrist before I lost all control. He identified the fact that my problems stemmed from the abortion, diagnosed me with severe depression and border-line psychosis, and prescribed medications for depression, anxiety and sleeplessness. At his recommendation, I also took a three-month leave of absence from work and entered a hospital treatment program.  All the medications seemed to just cloud my head instead of making me feel better, so I continued using illegal drugs and alcohol on top of the medications.

In the hospital, I was surrounded by people with severe emotional problems all day long, which didn’t seem to help. During my counseling sessions and group therapies, we talked about my emotions and how to control them, but never targeted the source of my problems: the abortion. No one seemed to understand or know how to help me deal with my loss. Since I wasn’t working, I was quickly running out of money. I pawned everything I owned just to buy my medications and support my drug habits. I also found myself in and out of meaningless relationships.

Finally, I reached a point where I felt there was no hope. I figured no one would ever understand; that I must be crazy for even feeling a sense of loss and that I would never get better. Life was no longer worth living. So I sat at my dining room table with the last bottle of sleeping pills I had. “This will be easy,” I thought to myself. I would just swallow all these pills, lay down, fall asleep and never wake up.

I poured the pills into my hand and as I raised them to put them in my mouth, I was suddenly overcome by a feeling of intense warmth over my entire body and complete peace. My mouth was open and my hand was only a few inches away, yet there I sat, frozen, staring at the wall. All of a sudden, with an earthquake-like shudder, the pills flew out of my hand and I collapsed to the floor sobbing like a child. For the next 45 minutes or so, I laid there on the floor crying, trying to figure out what had just happened. Then, in a moment, I felt compelled to grab the phone book. I didn’t know what I was looking for, but I flipped it open and right there on the first page I came to was an ad with large print asking if I was “Looking for a new home?” It was an ad for a church.

Footprints in the Sand

We never went to church while I was growing up. When I was younger, I had believed in God, but the older I got, the less faith I had. At this point of my life, I actually considered myself to be an atheist. I asked myself, “How could there be a loving God with this world as messed up as it is?” I used all the problems in my life to rationalize that we were alone in this world. But it was at this lowest moment in my life that I realized I had been wrong. To this day I believe God reached down and comforted me at a time when I needed Him most, even though I wasn’t looking for Him. It reminds me of the “Footprints in the Sand” poem.

So, I called the church and made an appointment to meet with the pastor. When we met, I told him my story and, for the first time, he was someone who understood my loss and the pain I was going through. He also identified that I exhibited codependent behaviors with my drug and alcohol addictions and my reckless relationships. He put me in touch with a codependency 12-step support group and encouraged me to start attending church services. So began my path to healing and my journey in faith.

I started going to church services every Sunday and absorbed everything I could about God’s love, mercy and grace. I also worked very hard at completing my 12 steps. I didn’t like the way the medications made me feel, so without my psychiatrist’s permission, I took myself off the meds. I also quit using drugs and was able to cut back my drinking to a responsible level.

I came across a book called “Men and Abortion: A Path to Healing” by Dr. Catherine Coyle. Here was someone who knew exactly what I had been through and I discovered that I wasn’t alone. There were other men, just like me, who had walked this path before, which was very helpful to my healing. I got a new job and was earning an income again. I also started volunteering at a crisis pregnancy center just doing odds-and-end type jobs. My new hobby was country line dancing where I met Nancy, the woman who would become my wife.

Nancy and I moved to Phoenix to start over, hoping to forget about my past problems altogether. I got a good job making more money than ever before, but it meant working a lot of hours. We found a church where we got married a year later, but eventually stopped attending because I was working almost every weekend. Overall, I thought life was good, but some problems began to surface.

I started feeling depressed again, my anxiety level was high, I was tired all the time, and I would get angry over the smallest things. I also noticed that February was always a difficult month for me, as it was the anniversary of the abortion. I didn’t want to deal with my abortion experience anymore, so I denied the truth: I hadn’t finished healing from it. I was just too busy to bother. All I cared about was working harder, hoping to keep myself occupied.

Then, just as my life had changed before, it was about to change again. My wife and I decided to go see a movie, which we didn’t do very often. The movie we saw was “The Passion of the Christ.” Who would have thought a movie could be so powerful and draw so much emotion? Sure, I knew the story of how Christ gave his life for us, but to actually see it portrayed so realistically… well, words can’t describe it. We left the theatre in complete silence and the next week was an emotional rollercoaster for me. I came to realize how much I needed Christ in my life and that I had to finish my healing. So we found a new church, I gave my life to Christ, was baptized, and started focusing on any unresolved issues I still had.

It was on the 10th anniversary of the abortion that I sensed a calling to begin ministering to others. I felt I had fully healed, so I answered that calling by creating the organization Fatherhood Forever Foundation. I wanted other men to find help and understanding after abortion.  I began collecting resources from across the country that work with men and created the Men’s Healing Network. As I promoted the organization, I found myself meeting many wonderful people working in pro-life ministry and post-abortion healing services.

Two of those people I met were Rachel’s Vineyard weekend retreat counselors who encouraged me to attend a retreat for the experience. I agreed to go because I saw it as a chance to explore one of the organizations listed in the Men’s Healing Network and to see if it was something I would be interested in helping with. Little did I realize what I was really getting myself into!

When I arrived at the retreat, I put on a big smile and acted as though I had no concerns about what would happen during the weekend. I’ll admit I was a bit nervous, but couldn’t put my finger on the reason why. I was relieved to discover I wasn’t the only guy that would be attending. The retreat location was absolutely beautiful and I was soon at ease with the whole idea of spending the weekend there. That is until the retreat officially started.

Within minutes of starting, I found myself putting up barriers. I became stone-faced and sat with my arms crossed in defiance, attempting to resist any emotion the staff might be trying to pull from me. “I’m already healed,” I thought to myself. “There’s nothing they can do or say to make me think otherwise.” My pride got the best of me and I felt compelled to express my “discomfort” with one of the staff members during a break. Her simple words of comfort and understanding quickly put me at ease. When I went to bed that night, I told myself that although I was going to be strong, I would at least be more open tomorrow.

An Epiphany

And then tomorrow arrived, and I was not so strong. I came to realize that I still had a great deal of unresolved anger toward the mother of my child, who I thought I had forgiven, and guilt for not being able to prevent the abortion. But my emotional breaking point was when I discovered I still had sorrow and despair buried deep within my heart. I hadn’t cried that hard since the day I lost my child. I cried not only for the loss of my child, but for having fooled myself into believing I was healed. I was angry and ashamed of myself.

It was at my lowest point of the weekend that nothing short of a miracle occurred. I was suddenly overcome with a sense of peace that I had only experienced once before in my life. I embraced these emotions and let all my pain and anger go. For the first time ever, I was able to see clearly and know that I had reason to be joyful again. I was able to put to rest all those thoughts and feelings that were holding me back from being the person I was meant to be. My eyes were fully opened.

Since the retreat, I’ve had new revelations and convictions that have paved the way for a brighter future. I’ve discovered truths I had been blind to in the past, which have raised me up in faith and hope. I no longer mourn the loss of my son, whom I gave the name Jamie, but rather I rejoice in what I have gained: a deeper relationship with Christ and my son, and knowledge of the truth that one day I will be reunited with them in eternity.

______________

Commentary:   Like many men of his age negotiating the transition from youth to adulthood, Jason self-medicated his anxiety, depression and the boredom of military service with alcohol, sexual activity, and pornography. 

A very positive developmental turning point occurs as Jason discovered a new identity and meaning in his life as a husband and father figure and provider for his wife and her daughter.  The threat of abortion turned his world upside down.  Jason was powerless to protect his unborn son from abortion.  He was viciously attacked at the very same core place of his male identity: as husband and father. 

This attack stripped him of his power and self-worth as a man, and left him vulnerable again to self-medicate his anguish with alcohol, drugs and sex.  However this time he was not only dealing with life transition anxiety.  Jason experienced full-blown post-traumatic stress disorder leading to emotional collapse, hospitalization and suicidal thoughts and plans.

Consider how many men are being treated for sexual and chemical addiction, impulsive or reckless behavior where abortion loss is at least a contributing factor.  How many men are being medicated for depression, anxiety and anger issues…and hurting themselves or others as they struggle with complicated grief and trauma from abortions they were powerless to stop?

Unfortunately those in post-abortion recovery programs can attest to the fact that many medical and mental health professionals would dismiss or downplay a man’s postabortion suffering, especially if it challenges their proabortion ideology.  Others are unable to accept that abortion can cause such a deep wound to the male psyche and soul.  Many, like the psychiatrist in Jason’s story, may identify the abortion as connected to their patient’s symptoms, but lack the deeper understanding and knowledge of the recovery process that is needed for such a loss. This leads to so much unnecessary suffering.

 __________

A Father’s Lament:  Learning About the Abortion…After the Procedure

There is a population of men who are also vulnerable to painful and even traumatic reactions from abortion loss.  These are men who learn of their partner’s pregnancy and the abortion of their son or daughter after the decision-making process and procedure.

Zynette shares her testimony (from the Silent No More Awareness Campaign website) of her abortion at age 19 and the reaction of her partner who never knew of the pregnancy or the procedure:

I had an abortion because I was afraid it would interfere with my existing job. I was 19, had dropped out of college, and gotten a wonderful job as a flight attendant for a nice airline company. I loved my job, loved working for the public, and then I found out that I was 9 weeks pregnant.

I looked at the ultrasound photo, and I was nervous and excited all at the same time. I loved the child I had in me; I looked at my baby as a blessing. I planned on telling my boyfriend, the father, the good news when I saw him in person in a couple days. 

But the next day I was back on the job, and I realized that I couldn’t do my job and have a baby at the same time. I had to make a choice, keep the job that I just got or have a baby. I would soon find out that my insurance would pay for nearly the full procedure; all I had to pay was $15. It hit me that $15 was nothing at all and I could get this done and forget about it. 

I decided not to tell my boyfriend. He would have wanted the child and I thought it best that I make my own decision. I did not want him pressuring me.

I was 11 weeks pregnant when I aborted my child.  The clinic was so normal; it reminded me of a dentist office. I was expecting some dark place but it was the opposite. I did my paperwork and paid my $15 and then they called me back. I was treated with kindness and respect; in fact I had a little laugh with the nurse over some crazy topic. After the ultrasound the nurse got me ready, and I knew what would come next. 

I started thinking about not doing it, about my boyfriend and how he would never approve of what I was doing, about the baby I had in me, and  about how my child would be gone in just a few moments. But then I started thinking about my job and knowing that I could not do it if I had a baby. I never told the doctor no, and, before I knew it, I had a needle in my arm and a mask over my face and I was asleep. 

I found myself in the recovery room and I kept myself from showing any emotion. My body felt like it had been opened up, and I could feel emptiness where my baby had been a while ago.  I started wishing I could turn back time, but I knew I had no second chances. 

A few days later I was back on the job, doing what I loved and looking at all the babies and little kids. I wished I was still pregnant but I had made my decision and that decision was final. 

A couple weeks later I was back with my boyfriend. I did my best in not showing any emotional changes but it was not easy. That night we started having sex and in an instant I started crying uncontrollably. He wanted to know what was wrong but I could not tell him. He hugged me and comforted me, asking what was wrong but I still could not tell him. But after several minutes I told him that I had an abortion. 

He was seriously angry with me, and I had never seen him like that before.  He asked me a ton of questions, and I told him everything. He got out of bed, got dressed, and walked out of the apartment. I have never seen him again. Two years later and I give him credit for not calling me names, not slapping me or hitting me, and not telling anybody else about what I did. My boyfriend was a good man, and I ended up losing him because of an awful decision.

Some people say that abortion is just a procedure, that abortion is just a mass of tissue that you do not want, and that abortion makes everything better.  But I will tell you that this is not true.

I lost my baby, I lost my boyfriend, and I lost myself.

The healing and forgiveness took nearly two years. I found myself a Christian counselor, a lady who had an abortion herself. I know that God has forgiven me, but I am still in the process of forgiving myself. I did write my boyfriend a letter, and I had a friend hand him the letter personally, but I am not sure if he has or will ever read it. I will not contact my boyfriend ever again, but I hope that one day he will contact me.

I have had no other relationships since that day, and

I do not know when or if I will. Intimacy is not easy for me; it becomes a nightmare just thinking about it.

I am still a flight attendant, still work for the same airline, but I am not the same.  Today, my child would be 18 months old. I will never forget what I did.

Commentary:   Zynette’s testimony reveals how abortion strikes deep into the heart of physical and emotional intimacy between women and men.  The act of post-abortion love-making naturally connects Zynette to the child that was conceived in a previous expression of love and pleasure with her partner…but that ended in their child’s death.  As Zynette is vulnerable physically and emotionally to her lover and the father of her child, she longs to share her heart and her body, but also the truth of her deep grief at the loss of their child.

The shock and rage this man feels when he learns of the secret abortion acts like an explosive device that drives him from the room and any further contact with his lover.  We don’t know this father’s story after he leaves, wounded in his rage.  He is one of the countless men who learn, after the fact, that his partner or spouse aborted his child. 

Without an opportunity to heal, the powerful feelings of anger, resentment and bitterness will fester.  This anger can find expression in reckless behavior, often exacerbated by any substance abuse and addictions used to repress the pain.  This anger can be displaced onto others through conflict in personal relationships and in the workplace.  Anger can serve as a type of memorial for, and volatile connection with, the unborn child.

It is essential that fathers with this type of abortion loss have an opportunity to openly express their pain and anger, and grieve the loss of their child.  The healing process can help these men find peace and hope as they develop a spiritual relationship with their child, something you will learn more about in Chapter Eleven.

[If you are a man who has experienced your abortion as a traumatic loss and struggle with similar pain, you are not alone and there is hope and healing for you.  If necessary, go ahead and jump to the end of Chapter Eleven or visit www. abortionforgiveness.com.]

Next we visit a maximum-security facility to explore abortion in the male prison population. 

There is a powerful light shining in the darkness. 

(Endnotes)

1. Reardon, David.  “Women at Risk of Post-Abortion Trauma.”  Elliot Institute.  http://afterabortion.org/1999/women-at-risk-of-post-abortiontrauma
2. Symptoms can include: Insomnia; depression; anxiety; flashbacks; avoidance of those things that trigger traumatic feelings and memories; addictions of various kinds to repress symptoms and self-medicate; suicidal thoughts and actions; anger issues and relationship dysfunction; and sexual acting-out. These are some of the painful shockwaves of abortion trauma. 
3. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition. 

American Psychiatric Association, 2000.

C H A P T E R F O U R

Proclaiming Liberty to the Captives

The Spirit of the Lord is upon me….He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free.  (Luke 4:18)

A series of large steel doors shut ominously behind me on the morning of January 8, 2014 as I entered the Martin Correctional Institution (MCI) located in Indiantown, Florida.  Many of the inmates here will spend a good portion of their lives behind the barbed-wire walls of this maximumsecurity prison.  All have been involved in serious criminal activity—drugs, robbery, prostitution, car-jacking, violence and murder. 

However, many of these men all share something else in common: They are fathers of aborted children. 

Is there any connection between an inmate’s involvement in abortion and a descent into criminal activity and violence?

Responding to God’s Call

Thomas Lawlor is the director of Prison Ministry for

Catholic Charities, Diocese of Palm Beach, Florida.  In

November, 2010 Donna Gardner, director of the Rachel’s Vineyard abortion healing retreats in the diocese, was approached by Tom.  They felt the Lord was calling them to begin a post-abortion outreach for men in prison.   Excited about the idea, they shared their thoughts with Deacon Don Battiston, who served as a volunteer Catholic chaplain at MCI. 

Deacon Don is a grizzled veteran of prison ministry.  He responded with a puzzled look to their request.  He never thought about how abortion might impact the men, given all the other serious issues they negotiated in their troubled lives.  He was skeptical…but open. 

To put his skepticism to rest, Deacon Don did an informal poll with about 100 men in two prisons where he ministers.  At his weekly services he asked the men to share anonymously if they were ever involved in an abortion, and if the abortion had any effect on their lives.  He was shocked to discover that almost 90 percent of the men had been part of at least one abortion decision and that it had indeed impacted them. 

Deacon Don became a believer and offered his assistance in getting the program approved by the Department of Corrections—no small task.

Donna developed a 10-week version of the Rachel’s Vineyard program specifically designed for use in prison with take-home assignments  from “Healing a Father’s Heart,”¹ a post-abortion Bible study.  As of January 2015 more than 130 inmates have been through the program, and the results have been nothing short of miraculous.

Father Wounds and Military Madness

As we entered the MCI compound that January morning, we made our way to a meeting room in the prison chapel. 

Donna and Tom introduced me to inmates John, Ed, Harry and David (two Caucasian and two African-American men). These four men are alumni of the Rachel’s Vineyard program, and were identified by Donna and Tom as team members for this growing ministry.  The men freely volunteered to share their stories with me, and how they have come to see the role of abortion in their overall life journey.

John, Harry and Ed were in various ways estranged from their fathers.  Harry lived in a chaotic, dysfunctional family environment with a stepfather who physically and sexually abused him.   He acted out to receive the beatings because it was the only sense of connection he had to his parents; feeling ignored felt worse.  But the violence hardened his heart, filling him with hatred and resentment toward others. 

John acted out throughout his childhood trying to get the attention of his parents who were consumed with their restaurant business and rarely home; he was a self-described wild child and out of control.  He remembers only the occasional beating from his father. 

Ed’s estrangement from his father was not one that featured physical abuse, but a painful emotional distance. This unspoken pain and grief  led to process of emotional disconnection and  a division within his personality.  This disconnection would prove over time to be deadly. 

Deepening the Disconnect

From their teenage years through young adulthood the men participated in at least one abortion decision.  They all shared that, although they did not understand it at the time, their abortion decision attacked them on a deeply personal level as young men.  

John, Ed and Harry tried to rebuild their fractured manhood after the abortion, and find a renewed sense of purpose and direction, by enlisting in the military.  However, this proved to be a toxic decision for these men.  The military provided an outlet for their growing rage, pain and unresolved grief.  They hungered for opportunities to express this rage in the socially sanctioned context of war (Vietnam, the Middle East) and criminal activity. Violence and highrisk behavior became an adrenaline-saturated drug of choice for these men in military and civilian life.  Some of the latest scientific research on the brain can shed some light on these dynamics.

A research team at the University of Pennsylvania scanned the brains of nearly 1,000 men, women, boys and girls and found striking differences.²  The study revealed that men’s brains are wired in such a way that rewards risk and challenge:

Men have a brain wired for risk-taking more than women.  Male brains get a bigger burst of endorphins, sensation of pleasure, when faced with a risky or challenging situation.  And the bigger the reward is, the more likely a man will take a risk. ³

This is clearly an important strength for men and brings to mind heroes such as firefighters, first responders and other warriors protecting their family, village or nation from attack. Think of the great explorers and entrepreneurs in all societies over the centuries who have benefitted humanity. 

However, when a man is trying to cope with the repressed trauma and grief of abortion loss and has abuse and neglect in his history, this strength may become a liability.  Wounded men can turn to impulsive and self-destructive expressions of risk-taking behavior as a means to express and also selfmedicate anger and other painful emotions. 

The stories of these inmates revealed the progression of this acting out as they developed a corrupted, wounded manhood that nurtured a complete lack of respect for life, and an equally callous disregard for their own personal safety and futures.  The abortions deepened a distorted, false sense of male identity that was expressed in a narcissistic exploitation and manipulation in their relationship with others.  This served to shield them from the pain of childhood neglect/ abuse and the shame and grief of abortion loss.

Vulnerable to Violence

David’s story is unique and revealing among this group of inmates.  He had a solid upbringing without any previous violence, family abuse or criminal activity prior to his abortion.  He was not estranged from his well-respected and high-achieving African-American family.  He was a successful high school athlete with legitimate aspirations to attend college.

When he learned at age 17 that his girlfriend was pregnant, he was relieved when she decided to abort their child.  Deep down, he knew it was wrong that he abandoned his child to death.  David shared that his tragic mistake was a failure to trust his father and mother enough to share about the pregnancy and receive their guidance and support to do the right thing.

After the abortion David experienced depression and lost a sense of direction for his future.  He also enlisted in the military to find a focus and purpose for his life.   David learned in the military how to abuse alcohol, which he found to be a common activity among the enlisted men and later would be a significant factor in his incarceration.

After his military service David married and began to raise his two children.  But his unresolved abortion loss and abuse of alcohol left him vulnerable to the culture of violence and racism that many African-American men face in their communities.   David went out drinking with a friend carrying a concealed firearm.  As they entered a restaurant drunk, a patron uttered a racial slur at the two men.  A fight ensued and David found the gun in his hand, firing and killing a man.  He will spend much of his life now at MCI, separated from his family. 

The Vessel of Grace by Which God Set Me Free

The following is the testimony of EJ, an alumnus of the MCI Rachel’s Vineyard Program.

I started college at age 17 and found a job at a sporting goods store to pay my tuition. I was a successful high school athlete and knew sports, apparel and their related equipment thoroughly. I also had the arrogant swagger common to popular teenage athletes. I met Jessica when she came into the store, and we fell into a casual sexual relationship.

My mother is a devout Catholic, and my father is a convert to the Catholic faith. Though I knew right from wrong, it was a passing comment from my not-sodevout father that muddied the moral waters for me. In the context of a basketball game, he told me that it was not a foul unless the referee blows the whistle. 

Sadly, I understood this to mean that it is not wrong unless you are caught. So religious faith and spirituality were for Sunday mornings, and from Sunday afternoon through the rest of the week, I lived by the subjective moral standards set by the rest of the secular world.

Though I avoided drug and alcohol abuse, I had no trouble developing an addiction to other vices: gossiping, cursing, holding grudges, dwelling on vengeful thoughts…and womanizing. All of this behavior led me to develop a very self-centered system of priorities that eroded my ability to love my neighbor. I passed myself off as a civilized gentleman, until it was opportune for me to behave otherwise. This caused a split in my personality. 

I was sitting at home on a weekday afternoon when the phone call came. It was Jessica…she told me she was pregnant. 

Instantly the thought that abortion is wrong flashed through my mind. Apparently I had not yet killed my conscience entirely. I told her we could take care of the child. She told me that she did not want to carry the child and that she needed four hundred dollars to have the abortion. I was going to argue further, but her boyfriend then got on the phone. 

It is difficult to put into words the rage I felt flare up when I heard him on the phone. It felt like an ambush. I told them that I did not have the money. As they continued to push, I pushed back and told them that it was not my problem but theirs. Then I attacked her, “You knew what you were getting into. I don’t know why he is even sticking around.”

Later, as what was left of my conscience chided me for allowing her to go through with the abortion, I justified myself by saying that I had nothing to do with it.

After the abortion, anger became my constant companion. I tried to continue with schooling but it did not take long for me to lose track. Violent thoughts lived in my mind day and night. I took unnecessary risks, such as racing, lashing out and fighting others.

Danger and risk became synonymous with a good time. Adrenaline and caffeine became my bread and water. I still attended church on Sunday, because it was expected of me, and in spite of my chaotic interior life and lifestyle, I still thought it important to live a portion of my life by societal norms.

The divide in my life grew wider. Before long, I was one person during the day with certain acquaintances and friends, and a completely different person at night and with different acquaintances.

My academic plans in college—to complete a pre-med program and obtain a degree in psychiatry—finally collapsed under the stress of my double life. Long-term goals became obsolete and I lived my life day to day.

Relationships began to suffer.

One of the men I spent time with on my ludicrous escapades came to me with another wild idea. The plan was criminal in the extreme.

Finally, the fruit of passive participation in the killing of my child ripened within me. I participated in the murder and robbery of a man, the wounding of another, and the near death of a young woman at the scene of the crime. It did not take long for the police to arrest me. 

While sitting in the county jail, a grace-filled moment occurred. I realized that I had hit rock bottom. But remorse for my crimes and sins did not flood me, though I did recognize just how insane my behavior was. When sent to prison, I continued to look at the bizarre split in my life and the chasm that existed in my lifestyles. 

This, and God’s grace, brought me back to his Church, and I began to recognize how my sinful actions created this split personality. In walking with Jesus through my memories and past actions, I began to understand remorse, guilt, and healthy shame. However, no matter how much I prayed, no matter how much I fasted, and no matter how much I sacrificed, I suffered the demons of self-doubt and pride. 

Finally, the Holy Spirit brought the phone call from Jessica to mind. I became overwhelmed with the sense that this wound was the source of my suffering and struggle. I prayed for God to forgive me and I went to confession about the sin I committed against God, my child, Jessica, and myself. Still I struggled.

At weekly services the Catholic chaplain polled 100 inmates to see how many men had gone through an abortion experience. 

A surprise came when I learned that more than 90 percent of the men around me were involved in an abortion decision. Later, the chaplain announced that the Rachel’s Vineyard program was coming to our institution to help heal the wound of the abortion. 

The seminar answered my deepest prayers. It showed me how my self-image and core beliefs were warped by the abortion, my self-justifications, and my denial. I came to recognize that the need to overachieve, my obsession with detail, my propensity for anger and violence, and even my hunger for adrenaline excitement were rooted in my corrupted idea of masculinity. 

My consent in the abortion of my daughter was a violation of my natural purpose to protect and provide for my offspring. When this occurred, the split in my personality was a defense mechanism that allowed me to exercise denial, so that I would not have to feel the pain of my decision. This denial was forcing me to overcompensate for the damage I caused to my natural masculine identity. The problem was that this denial also meant that I was denying everything that made me human. 

It was a suffering joy when I came to know my heavenly daughter, Angela Grace. I had been unaware of just how callous and unfeeling I was, but through the healing received by God in the Rachel’s Vineyard seminar, it allowed me to feel. I came to know myself, my  wrongs, and experience a remorse that is difficult to express adequately—painful to feel, yet liberating to know.

Rachel’s Vineyard is the grace that God ordained for my healing, and the healing of so many others. Though I justly remain in prison for my crimes, Rachel’s Vineyard has been the vessel of grace by which God has made me free. It is in this freedom that I will now be…Silent No More.

__________

Emotional Abortion

The healing journey of these men reveals something very important about the interaction of abortion with childhood loss, especially father wounds.  This has relevance to men outside the prison walls of MCI who also have father wounds from abuse, neglect, divorce, addictions and other family-oforigin issues:

—The abortion healing journey provides a unique opportunity for those men who have unresolved rage and hurt from fathers who were absent and/or abusive.

—Their fathers failed to treasure them as sons and provide good models and images of manhood/ fatherhood.  You can think of this rejection as a type of emotional abortion.   

—When a man who felt emotionally aborted by his father (or other male caregiver) participates in the death of his unborn child, he exacerbates an already deep and complex wound.  He now has the experience of being both victim and perpetrator.  As we saw in the experience of the inmates at MCI, this abortion experience can connect in a very toxic way with the father wound, resulting in deep rage, acting out in destructive and selfdestructive ways, and in the exacerbation of narcissistic personality characteristics. 

—As the healing process unfolded, these inmates discovered that while they may have wounds with their earthly fathers and have seriously sinned against God and their fellow man, they have a father in heaven who still loves them unconditionally and passionately as his sons.  This was a life-changing moment of grace that empowered them to continue on the journey to recovery.

—In the restoration of their fatherly relationship with the aborted child (and repenting their role in that child’s death), men learn to grieve and their hearts and souls are opened up.  They invite the Holy Spirit into the dark wounds of their own fatherly loss and abuse.  As they address their abortion wound, men learn on a deep and intimate level how to grieve, within a process immersed in God’s Word and the Holy Spirit. 

—The post-abortion recovery experience empowers them to let go of the rage and acting out that was their only way of coping in the past.  They are restored and strengthened as men and fathers.

Sharing the Light of Christ: A Brotherhood of

Fatherhood

Donna and Tom have accompanied these men as they revisited the devastation of their lives.  Through the healing of their abortion loss, the four men I interviewed have truly been transformed in Christ, and are now serving as Rachel’s Vineyard team members under Donna and Tom’s guidance as they minister to other prisoners.  These hardened criminals who have hurt themselves and others have been freed by their heavenly father of rage and violence. 

As my time with the prisoners of MCI came to a close, Henry motioned with his hand as if reaching deeply into his breastbone, and shared the following:

 “God reached into my chest, took hold of all the anger and hurt of my life, and gave me a new heart…a heart that can feel deeply, grieve, rejoice and love.”

 When he proclaimed this powerful witness, I immediately thought of the words of the Old Testament prophet, in Ezekiel 36:26:

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

Deacon Don shared with us the change he is seeing in

the men who go through Rachel’s Vineyard.  He was clearly moved by the manifestation of God’s power in the lives of these wounded men.  This transformation is also beginning to slowly lighten the darkness of prison life as a growing number of men share a bond not formed by violence and intimidation; this communion is a shared fatherhood they reclaimed in their Rachel’s Vineyard healing journey.  They are spreading this gospel message of hope with their fellow inmates, sharing the good news that has blessed their lives.

Donna and Tom are expanding the healing program to another prison in Okeechobee, Florida.  God willing, the good fruits of this healing ministry of Catholic Charities, Diocese of Palm Beach will expand to other prisons across the state and the nation.

Donna Gardner – Executive Director, Magdalene’s Joy –  561.602.4778

(Endnotes)

1. Cochrane, Linda.  “Healing a Father’s Heart.”  Baker Books, 1996.
2. Ingalhalikar, M., Smith, A., Parker, D., Satterthwaite, T., Elliott, M., Ruparel, K., et al. (2013). “Sex Differences in the Structural Connectome of the Human Brain.” Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences 111(2), 823-828.
3. Niu, A. “Gender & the Brain: Differences Between Women & Men.” www.Fitbrains.com, February 18, 2014.

C H A P T E R F I V E

Male Celebrities With Abortion Loss

Blues-hearted lady sleepy was she

Love for the devil brought her to me

Tears of a thousand drawn to her sin

Seasons of wither holdin’ me in

                          – Aerosmith, “Seasons of Wither”

Steven Tyler: “Jesus What Have I Done”

Long before he won accolades as an “American Idol” judge, Steven Tyler was a bona-fide rock star. In 1975, when he was in his late 20s and the lead singer for the band Aerosmith, Tyler persuaded the parents of his 16-year-old girlfriend, Julia Holcomb, to make him her legal guardian so that they could live together in Boston.

When Miss Holcomb and Tyler conceived a child, his longtime friend Ray Tabano convinced Tyler that abortion was the only solution. In the Aerosmith autobiography, “Walk This Way,”¹ Tabano says: “So they had the abortion, and it really messed Steven up because it was a boy. He…saw the whole thing and it [messed] him up big time.”

Tyler also reflects on his late-term abortion experience in

the autobiography:

 It was a big crisis. It’s a major thing when you’re growing something with a woman, but they convinced us that it would never work out and would ruin our lives. …You go to the doctor and they put the needle in her belly and they squeeze the stuff in and you watch. And it comes out dead. I was pretty devastated. In my mind, I’m going, Jesus, what have I done?

Those who support abortion rights assure us that postabortion complications are a myth. But Steven Tyler cuts through this fog of denial and lays it on the line: Jesus, what have I done?

This is the cry of a post-abortive father whose very intimate exposure to the reality of a late-term abortion fits the textbook definition of trauma—as set down by the very same American Psychiatric Association that assures us that abortion is a safe procedure with no negative effects on a man’s or a woman’s mental health.

After the abortion, Tyler began a torrid affair with Playboy model Bebe Buell while still seeing Julia, the mother of his aborted son. If you were wondering what happened to Julia (who is referred to as Diana Hall in the book) after this purportedly psychologically safe procedure, Bebe tells us: “There were many suicidal calls from poor Diana as they were breaking up. It was actually a pretty sad time.” And how was Steven coping?

He went on a European concert tour, accompanied by Bebe, who tells us: “He was crazy…totally drunk, really out of it. …Steven destroyed his dressing room at Hammersmith… when we got back from Europe. …One night I found him on the floor of his bathroom having a drug seizure. He was writhing in pain.”

This was followed by Steven’s “Tuinal days”—a period he spent stoned on massive doses of the barbiturate. He says, “I would eat four or five a day…and be good for a couple of months…which is why that period is blackout stuff.”

Drug use is common enough with a touring rock-and-roll band. But substance abuse is also a common way men can deal with post-traumatic stress: Take heavy doses of drugs to numb the memories and feelings—and throw in a portion of toxic rage at band-mates and hotel rooms. Anger, especially in men, is often an undiagnosed sign of depression and repressed grief that needs a healthy expression and healing. Many post-abortive fathers tell us that anger management was a major problem for them after their abortions.

Bebe Buell became pregnant with Tyler’s child. She realized it would be impossible to raise a child with him given his out-of-control substance abuse and rock-and-roll lifestyle. She returned to her former lover, the composer, producer, and recording artist Todd Rundgren, who agreed to act as father of the child and keep Tyler’s fatherhood a secret. Their daughter, who grew up to be the actress Liv Tyler, was born on July 1, 1977.

For many post-abortive men and women, the anxiety associated with an abortion can surface at unexpected times, triggered by events such as a subsequent pregnancy, the death of a pet or a loved one, or some other person, place, or thing that in some way connects with the traumatic memory.

Years later, when Tyler married, and he and his wife were expecting their first child, he was still haunted by the abortion: “It affected me later.…I was afraid. I thought we’d give birth to a six-headed cow because of what I’d done with other women. The real-life guilt was very traumatic for me.

Still hurts.”

Most people cannot make sense of the fragmented, disjointed pieces of their post-abortive lives until they attend a healing program. Tragically, the spin doctors of our proabortion culture work overtime to make sure that these connections are never made.  This may be one of the reasons that it is so difficult to counter the propaganda of the proabortion movement. It is often only after the healing journey that post-abortive men and women can see the intimate connection between their abortions and the emotional problems, addictions, and other post-abortion symptoms in their lives.

I grew up with the music of Aerosmith as a teenager in the 1970s and continue to have a great respect for the songwriting ability and performing talent of Steven Tyler. His actions in the abortion of his son were very wrong, and he suffered the consequences, as his life descended into a quagmire of addiction and self-destruction. Fortunately, Tyler was successfully treated for his drug addiction in 1986.

At the heart of post-abortion healing is the cleansing of a wounded heart. The post-abortive parent must be free of shame, guilt, and grief before he or she can embrace the unborn child with love. Let us hope and pray that this rock star and American Idol judge can make peace with his abortion loss and find forgiveness and reconciliation with God and his aborted son—and that he will then use his considerable talent and influence to call other post-abortive fathers to healing.

Crippled Inside: Jimmy Connors and Chris Evert

One thing you can’t hide Is when you’re crippled inside   

                         —John Lennon, “Crippled Inside”

In tennis pro Jimmy Connors’ autobiography, “The Outsider,” we learn of an unplanned pregnancy and abortion with fellow pro Chris Evert when they were young sweethearts engaged to be married.

Connors appears open to the responsibility of fathering their child, and upset by his lack of say in the decision to abort: “An issue had arisen as a result of youthful passion, and a decision had to be made as a couple,” he wrote.  “Chrissie called to say she was coming out to LA to take care of the ‘issue.’ I was perfectly happy to let nature take its course and accept responsibility for what was to come.”

But Connors says Chrissie made a unilateral decision and he was powerless to stop her. “Chrissie, however, had already made up her mind that the timing was bad and too much was riding on her future,” he writes. “She asked me to handle the details.”

The next exchange between the couple likely sealed the fate of their unborn child. Connors says he told Chris, “Well, thanks for letting me know. Since I don’t have any say in the matter, I guess I am just here to help.”

And so it was.  The Outsider “handled the details” and arranged for the abortion of his unborn son or daughter.

When Evert approached Connors with her mind seemingly made up, he made a serious and deadly mistake many fathers make during this challenging and emotional time for a young couple: he failed to fight for the life of his child.  This sent a clear signal to the mother who may have heard in his response:

I am open to you having the baby, but I’m not going to fight too hard to protect the child and I may or may not be around to help…so if your mind’s made up anyway, I’ll respect whatever you decide.

There is no guarantee that Evert would have changed

her mind if Connors were more determined to fight for the child’s life.  But it was the best hope their baby had for survival.  Once the father communicates ambivalence and does not strongly express the natural desire to protect his offspring, the mother may understandably fear making the sacrifices of single parenting, unsure if the father will continue to love and support them both.  Women also understandably fear the resentment and anger of a man who is reluctantly accepting the responsibilities and stress of an unplanned child.

Rather than the joy of youthful love and passion and anticipation of married life together, the couple now shared a dark secret—their participation in the death of their unborn son or daughter.

“It was a horrible feeling, but I knew it was over,” Connors writes. “Getting married wasn’t going to be good for either of us.”

Both tennis pros went on to stellar careers.  On the surface it may appear that they “made the right decision.” 

Connors, now in his 60s, struggled with a gambling addiction and the infidelities that “came that close to ruining his marriage” to former Playboy model Patti McGuire.  Men who later regret, reconcile and heal of a previous abortion decision report that along with addictions and infidelity, anger was a way they repressed and expressed their painful emotions such as guilt and complicated grief around that abortion event and their role in the child’s death.   Perhaps some of Connors’ on-court and off-court anger issues and fireworks can be understood as a way he expressed some of the powerful emotions men can feel after abortion.

Chris Evert also experienced a common post-abortion symptom: instability in intimate relationships. Chrissie, now 58, married three times. All three marriages ended in divorce.  There can be many factors that can contribute to relationship instability.  However, we know from the stories of thousands of women and men from the Silent No More Awareness Campaign that complicated grief after abortion can be a contributing factor.

Abortion is a life-changing event.   The abortion account of Jimmy Connors and Chris Evert reflects, on a larger public stage, what has quietly been the experience of millions of young couples.  They valiantly press on with their lives, perhaps like Connors and Evert achieving great success as they struggle to bury that abortion event deep in their past.

But the symptoms of their post-abortion lives—if properly understood—are calling them to reconcile and heal of this loss, buried deep in their hearts and souls.

Don Henley and Stevie Nicks:  When You Build Your

House…Call Me

Wait a minute, baby

Stay with me awhile

Said you’d give me light

But you never told me about the fire...

                                      – Stevie Nicks, “Sara”

Don Henley of the band The Eagles and Stevie Nicks of

Fleetwood Mac carried on an intense 2-year love affair in the 1970s.  They conceived a child during this time.  In a 1991 edition of GQ magazine, Henley shared that the haunting melody and lyrics of the Stevie Nicks song Sara was about their aborted child:

I believe, to the best of my knowledge, [that Nicks] became pregnant by me. And she named the kid Sara, and she had an abortion—and then wrote the song of the same name to the spirit of the aborted baby.  I was building my house at the time, and there’s a line in the song that says, “And when you build your house, call me.”

What Henley does not share is his role in the abortion decision. According to Eagles biographer Marc Eliot, Nicks “was deeply upset about what she considered his fast and easy consent to her decision.  Nicks took it as Henley’s way of saying he wasn’t interested in any type of serious long-term commitment.”²

It is clear from Nicks’ comments that she was at the very least ambivalent about her abortion decision and secretly hoping for a different response from Henley. 

Drug use is a common enough feature of the rock-and-roll lifestyle.  You have to wonder, given Nicks’ feelings about the abortion, if this contributed in any way to her raging cocaine and Klonopin addiction of the 1980s.

Nicks checked herself into the Betty Ford Clinic in 1986 to overcome a cocaine addiction. After her release, the psychiatrist in question prescribed a series of benzos—first Valium, then Xanax, and finally Klonopin—supposedly to support her sobriety. “[Klonopin] turned me into a zombie.…That ruined my life for eight years,” she said. “God knows, maybe I would have met someone, maybe I would have had a baby.”³

It is interesting that she mentions that her addiction interfered with her having a baby (Nicks has no living children).  Working for many years with men and women with complicated grief after abortion, her comments about pregnancy may have been a safer way to give voice to this unresolved loss and the deep grief of aborting her only pregnancy and opportunity to parent a child. 

But let’s not forget Don Henley, the father of their unborn child.  How different would life have been for Nicks if Henley had reacted differently to the pregnancy and she had given birth to their daughter Sara?  Perhaps without the complicated grief of abortion, and being free to give birth and love and parent her daughter, it may have lessened the tremendous pain and suffering caused by her addictions.  Note that Henley referred to the “spirit of the aborted baby” and the naming of the child, Sara.  He does not employ the normal abortion-rights euphemisms to de-personalize and de-humanize the fetus.  Henley would no doubt have his own deeper feelings and experience to share if given the opportunity.

If we had more public service announcements, education and awareness about the after-effects of abortion (as we do with other public health concerns such as smoking and breast cancer), perhaps Stevie Nicks may have found help sooner for her addictions.  Abortion healing could have opened the door to a healthier lifestyle and relationships, giving her the opportunity to share the gift of her motherhood with another child.  

Sara

By Stevie Nicks

Hold on

The night is coming and the starling flew for days

I’d stay home at night all the time

I’d go anywhere, anywhere

Ask me and I’m there because I care

Sara, you’re the poet in my heart

Never change, never stop And now it’s gone

It doesn’t matter what for

When you build your house I’ll come by

Drowning in the sea of love

Where everyone would love to drown

And now it’s gone

It doesn’t matter anymore

When you build your house

Call me home

All I ever wanted

Was to know that you were dreaming

(There’s a heartbeat

And it never really died)

(Endnotes)

1   Davis, Stephen.  “Walk This Way.”  Harper Entertainment, 1997. 2   Eliot, Marc. “To The Limit: The Untold Story of the Eagles. Little, Brown, 1997, pp. 128-129.

3   Byron, Christopher.  “America’s Most Dangerous Pill? Klonopin.”  CCHR International, June 1, 2011. http://www.cchrint.org/2011/06/02/ americas-most-dangerous-pill-klonopin

C H A P T E R S I X

Water and Bridges –

Relationships After Abortion

I was young, so was she.

Life didn’t stay a mystery for very long We could do no wrong.

Then she called, said she was late.

So we took a little drive upstate an’ took care of that... Yeah, just took care of that.

— Kenny Rogers, “Water and Bridges”

Proponents of abortion have been very successful in using the concepts of privacy, civil rights, and bodily autonomy to promote abortion.  They speak of abortion as a woman’s personal and confidential health care decision, and her sole decision to accept or reject a pregnancy.

This has proven to be a clever and very effective messaging campaign, which unconsciously has been absorbed by many of our fellow citizens. Even those who would not identify as pro-abortion are uncomfortable interfering in what they see as a private, personal decision.¹  But like the actions of a highly effective magician, all this fancy propaganda serves as a diversion from the complex dynamics that unfold when a couple faces an unplanned pregnancy.

Wired to Bond

Regardless of the length of a relationship, the intensity of the commitment, or age of the participants, men and women engaged in consensual sexual intimacy are involved in a powerful physical, emotional and chemical interaction:

Even with one act of intercourse they will be emotionally attached to the person they are having intercourse with, and…these attachments can last a lifetime. During sexual intercourse, in the female brain there are more receptors for oxytocin, and in the male brain there are more receptors for vasopressin. Both hormones cause the person to feel emotionally attached to the other, even with just one act of intercourse. So those in a relationship not only have the dopamine that rewards them for the repeating of the act, but also the oxytocin and the vasopressin that makes them feel attached.²

When a couple shares at least one and often multiple experiences of sexual relations, there is a powerful physiological and chemical process of intimacy and bonding.  When a child is conceived, this begins another complex process of hormonal and chemical changes in the mother.  It is an indisputable scientific fact that this entire process is perfectly natural and is of course wired into the human species to ensure our procreation and survival. 

When a pregnancy is unplanned and unexpected, a jarring sense of crisis and the urgent need to resolve the crisis are set in motion.  Now introduce the discernment to abort into this mix.  Where there was deep joy and pleasure with physical and emotional bonding, now quickly emerges the anxiety and stress of the abortion decision.  Keep in mind that many women describe the procedure itself as an invasive, painful and shameful experience of having their developing child forcibly removed from their bodies. 

Is it any surprise then that women and men would express some of their post-abortion conflicts and feelings in a relational context?  Doesn’t it make sense that the area of emotional and physical intimacy becomes the arena where many post-abortion symptoms find an outlet for expression?

Spiritual Abortion

The waters run even deeper when we consider the spiritual aspects of reproductive “choice.”  Most people have some type of belief in God and the afterlife.  This assumes that within the human person there is present something we call a soul or spirit that survives death.  Because of the unique relationship we have with our Creator, we share in the capacity to co-create human life—a unique person with an eternal soul. 

Humans can simply approach sexuality from the basic level of instinct, driven by the natural process that drives us and all our fellow mammals to reproduce.  But given the unique relationship of God with the human family, when a couple decides to abort their developing child, they are aborting a son or daughter destined for eternal life.  

Women and men often share some degree of awareness of a self-inflicted spiritual abortion from God, especially in the aftermath of the procedure. Their relationship with the Lord can be marked by fear, guilt, and a growing distance. At the same time, there is a very strong desire to reconnect with God, to heal this relationship fractured by sin and death. But denial, avoidance, addictions and the self-destructive behaviors which arise out of that complicated grief all serve to entrench this internal state of spiritual divorce from God and faith. 

Sadly, church leaders can contribute to this estrangement as they are often reluctant to preach and teach about this issue.  In some faith communities they simply echo the pro-abortion talking points that abortion is a difficult but necessary and private decision for women.  This leaves men and women without the information and guidance they so desperately need while making abortion decisions and for recovery after the procedure. 

Post-Abortive Relationships

When we consider couples where one or both partners have abortion(s) in their history, it is helpful to think of these unions as post-abortive relationships.

Why?  Post-abortion symptoms are not suffered in a vacuum. Men and women can act out (and re-enact) these unresolved issues in ways that pull their partners into dysfunctional dynamics.  Without an understanding of what’s driving these feelings and behavior, this can be very damaging to the relationship.³ 

In this context we see these unresolved post-abortion issues manifest in a variety of destructive dynamics:

—Secretive    and       shame-inducing             affairs   (re-enacting elements of the shameful and secret abortion loss).⁴

—Men and women may settle for relationships that fail to meet their need for love. 

—Wounded people can sabotage their partners’ need to receive and desire to give love and nurturance. 

—In varying degrees, these relationships can become abusive and in some cases even violent.  (Keep in mind that abusive relationships and toleration of abusive partners can serve, in part, as a type of self-punishment and also a type of expiation of unconscious guilt, shame and rage from the abortion event.)⁵ 

Mary and Joe

Let’s look at the experience of a married couple to help put some flesh and bones on these issues.  In the following interview a couple shares about their abortion loss and how this impacted their marriage.⁶

What were the circumstances that led you to have an abortion?

Mary: Joe and I were both in college, and had been dating a couple of years. The first time we had intercourse, I got pregnant. I came from a large family and my parents, who were devout Catholics, made a lot of sacrifices for my education. I was too ashamed to tell them I was pregnant. There was no one to reach out to.

Couldn’t you reach out to your boyfriend?

Mary: I told Joe I was pregnant, and that I would have to get an abortion. I was waiting desperately for him to say something, to tell me we’d manage somehow. It never happened.

Joe: I knew it was wrong, but I was silent. I never stood up for the baby. I prejudged her, and decided that her mind was made up. I was angry with her for choosing an abortion.

Most couples break up after an abortion because the guilt and pain are so great. How did the aftermath of the abortion affect your marriage?

Mary: We still loved each other, and we were committed to our marriage. My feeling of anger at Joe was pushed down for so many years that I didn’t even recognize it. But it was there all the time. I took my anger out on him without ever recognizing where it came from.

Joe: There was a lack of trust in our relationship. I blamed her for the loss of the baby. I did things that purposely hurt her. I drank a lot, I gambled, I did a lot of things to escape into a private world where I wouldn’t feel pain.

You are both practicing Catholics, raising your children in the faith. Didn’t you talk to a priest about what happened?

Mary: After years of this, it became apparent that it was something I had to deal with. I had confessed my abortion to three priests over the years. After the fourth priest, I began to accept that God could forgive me.

Joe: There were years and years of anger and heartache and being distant from God. I did talk to a parish priest, a good man, about the abortion. But I couldn’t go to God about it. I think men are so proud, they don’t see what they’ve buried. It was all kept inside and it was destroying me. I deliberately did things to keep my own self-esteem down. I considered suicide. At one point, I remember walking downstairs with a gun and a suitcase; Mary stopped me.

What happened when you went on the Rachel’s Vineyard abortion healing weekend?

Mary: My big breakthrough came when I was able to express my anger at Joe. He had never realized that the abortion had any connection to our behavior. We were able to forgive each other, and to have our baby forgive us.

Joe: I didn’t want to go to Rachel’s Vineyard to begin with. I walked in there on Friday evening thinking, “I’m going to relive all this stuff I’ve been avoiding for so long.” I think men are reluctant to go to these things openly and be part of it. I sat there and literally cried during some of the sessions.

I was able to express my anger toward myself at my total lack of courage. Once I released that, it was easier to accept and take ownership for the acts that I did. I came out completely exhausted, mentally and physically. It’s given me confidence to be a person again. I still feel awful about what happened, still feel ashamed, and still feel the guilt. But there are no deeprooted vindictive acts occurring. I’m able to stop and think, where I would instinctively go the wrong way before. I feel reborn. I’ve been accepted by God, my wife, and—most of all—by myself.

Where do you go from here?

Mary: We’re still in counseling. Rachel’s Vineyard isn’t a magic fix. It gives you the tools to heal, the tools to get back in contact. We can get angry when we talk about finances, or try to work out what to do with some problem with the kids. But it’s not this deep, dark anger that comes from nowhere.

Joe: I’d like us to be as close as we can possibly get. I’d like to rekindle a courtship, to walk hand in hand, spend more time together—and more time together in prayer.

_________________________

I Married a Post-Abortive Woman

Spouses are naturally affected by the problems and pain of their husband or wife.  Sadly, they may not understand that their marital problems may be at least partly related to a partner’s previous abortion loss.

In the following testimony James shares about his experience marrying a woman who kept her two abortions (prior to their marriage) a closely guarded secret.

James:

I married a post-abortive woman with the naive notion that if I loved her enough and accepted her unconditionally, the effect her two abortions had on her would somehow work itself out. Time may heal some wounds, but I can tell you from experience that an abortion wound is not one of them. …

By the time Kathleen and I went through marriage preparations, we had already been sexually active for years. Kathleen was on the pill because she was scared of getting pregnant again, and this was fine with me. We had completely bought into the cultural lie that sexual activity is something adults should be able to take part in purely for gratification. My Catholic faith at the time was the surface type, a cultural Catholicism left over from being brought up in the Church, but not an intentional, adult faith.

At our Pre-Cana meetings with our priest, we played the part of the ideal young couple preparing to get married. “Oh, yes Father, of course we are open to having children,” we said, and I think we both meant it in a vague, unexamined way. We got married and for a couple of years things seemed fine.

Inevitably, the subject of children came up, and the conversation never seemed to go very far. But since I was okay with not having children right away, the subject was easy enough to avoid. But in time we had to face it. Her parents dropped hints at first, and then became blunter in their attempts to encourage us to have children.

When I would bring up the idea of having children, Kathleen would say things like, “I don’t deserve to be a mother.” It started to dawn on me that unresolved pain related to her abortions were at the heart of Kathleen’s reluctance to have children. It was difficult to know how to address what was clearly a painful and sensitive wound in a way that would be helpful.

 One time I said, “You can’t sweep your abortions under the rug forever.”

She said, “If I didn’t sweep them under the rug, I couldn’t live with myself.” But the price of avoiding the issue was taking a terrible toll on Kathleen and our marriage.

As the years passed, she was increasingly unable to completely squelch the emotions that came from her post-abortion pain and grief. She would occasionally freak out, scream at the top of her lungs, throw things, and break things. She told me she fantasized about cutting herself and burning herself. I felt so powerless and confused, and I had no idea how to help her, except to calm and soothe her in the moment. I was unable by myself to help her face the abortions and embrace a future that included having children. No matter the tactics, or entry point to the discussion, we wound up at odds, and back at square one when it was over. It was like banging our heads against a brick wall. …

A husband who is not the father of the aborted child faces an additional hurdle to clear before he can even start to discuss the abortion with his wife. A post-abortive man can say to his wife, “We both have a share in this. Let’s face our abortion together.” If you’re not the father, though, you may get some very defensive responses as you introduce this very sensitive subject:

—“You weren’t involved, so you could never understand.”

— “What right do you have to judge me?”

— “Oh that’s right, I forgot. You’re perfect. You’ve never done anything wrong.”

— “This doesn’t involve you, so please drop it. I’ll handle this on my own.”

These defensive and often angry responses serve as a shield to hide the deeper feelings beneath the surface. Kathleen’s way of “handling” this pain was to try to ignore it. I knew I wanted to have children eventually, and I saw the connection to her unresolved abortion pain. The future, however, seemed far off. I was about to find out just how directly Kathleen’s abortions could affect our marriage.

I was in a touring band for years, which was the main reason I had supported the idea of contraception—having children would derail the band’s chance at success. Two years into our marriage, while I was on tour with the band, Kathleen began an affair with another man. The affair continued the following summer when I was again on tour.

I had been growing increasingly suspicious and finally stopped ducking the issue and asked her directly if she was having an affair. When she admitted it, I felt completely betrayed, undone, stabbed in the heart.

I never, ever, thought it could happen to us. I thought we were bulletproof. For the better part of an hour, the conversation was heated. I had to know every excruciating detail of exactly how wrong things had gone.

And the inevitable question, “Why?”

After we’d calmed down a bit, I said plainly, “One of two things is going to happen. We’re either going to come together like never before and really put this back together, or we can get our marriage annulled.” For a few days it was an open question and, if not for the grace of God, we easily could have gone our separate ways.

In time I was able to see the connection between the abortions and the affair. To Kathleen, I represented having a family and facing her abortions, whereas the other man represented a return to the noncommittal good times we had shared in our dating years. In the moment of discovery, it’s not much consolation, but in understanding your wife and the lengths to which she will go to avoid facing how her abortion has affected her, it does have value.

Instead of separation and divorce, we went on a Marriage Encounter weekend retreat. When we repeated our vows to each other during the retreat, they meant more to us than ever before, and we rededicated ourselves to each other. The abortions did come up at the retreat, but again, the conversation went nowhere. But given all that had happened, both of us were relieved to escape with our marriage intact. The issue of the abortions would have to wait for another day. We were, however, already operating from a new strength.

About a year after the Marriage Encounter retreat, Kathleen was experiencing some serious depression she could not explain. Her violent screaming and destructive outbursts were as common as ever. She started seeing a psychiatrist, but visit after visit seemed to go nowhere. First-born children like Kathleen tend to want to please authority figures. Kathleen gave her therapist the “right” answers, but never the ones that revealed much. It is worth noting that many therapists on both sides of the abortion issue are ill equipped to treat post-abortive women and men. Many psychiatrists—like the rest of society—do not even recognize abortion-related trauma or grief.  Counselors who are willing to recognize post-abortion suffering often lack the knowledge and resources to offer practical, effective treatment of this loss.

Out of desperation, Kathleen’s therapist asked to have me join them for a session. When she asked me what I thought was at the root of Kathleen’s depression and acting out, I recounted all the things she had said to me over the years. All the “under a rug” and “I don’t deserve to be a mother” comments came out. When I finished speaking I looked at Kathleen. She looked dumbfounded, like her deepest, darkest secret had been told.

It had.

I knew there were post-abortion-related websites out there and mentioned this to the psychiatrist. She said, “You both have a homework assignment. I want you to both go home and read up on what post-abortion resources are on the web.” …

One night, Kathleen was already in bed and I was nearby checking my email.

She said, “Sweetheart, how far is it to Kansas City?”  Surprised, I said, “It’s about an 11-hour drive, why?” We had both been sizing up the same Rachel’s Vineyard retreat. We just looked at each other and smiled. We knew then that God had been guiding our web searches.

I had been emailing back and forth with Theresa Burke, the executive director of Rachel’s Vineyard. She encouraged me to go on the retreat with Kathleen. Once Kathleen had decided to go, she resisted the idea of me coming along. She insisted that, since I was not involved in the pregnancies, she would go alone. I told her that a leader from Rachel’s Vineyard had advised me to accompany her. She relented and we started making travel plans.

Once we got to Kansas City, we stopped at a restaurant for dinner before the retreat. Kathleen said, “If you weren’t here with me, I’d turn right around and drive back home.”

I held her hand, looked into her eyes, and told her, “I love you, and this is going to be a very good thing for us both.”

To explain the Rachel’s Vineyard retreat here would require at least a chapter of its own, if not its own book. Suffice it to say that the retreat’s guided Scripture mediations and exercises, group sharing, and naming of Kathleen’s children, while not easy to go through, were very healing for us. Kathleen read a letter to her children at the memorial service at the end of the weekend, and I spiritually adopted her two children. So many tears were shed that weekend, but at the end there was joy—great joy—peace and restoration, for us and for the others on the retreat.

I have never been more convinced that God moves powerfully to love his wounded people back to life than that weekend in Kansas City. I saw, firsthand, the Holy Spirit act through the human compassion, sensitivity and skill of that wonderful retreat team of lay people, professionals and clergy. It was a mountaintop experience for Kathleen and me. We emerged renewed. The trip home from Kansas City felt like the exhilarating road trips we’d enjoyed years before. We were floating on air from the experience.

Kathleen’s abortion wound was like a cancer. The retreat had removed the cancer, but there was still much healing to be done in our marriage. There is no overnight solution to the problems abortion causes, and if you are struggling to find a way to help your wife find healing, take heart and trust that the slow process is worth your time and effort.

Kathleen was still not ready to become a mother, and still questioned whether she could bear a child. I assured her she could, but we remained at an impasse for another few years. I heard about the health risks associated with the pill, and started to question the morality of it as well. I knew the Catholic Church had a teaching against contraception, but until then, I had sided with the larger culture, which considers the Church to be a repressive organization, out of step with the times. I picked up a copy of Humanae Vitae, and read it cover to cover. The logic made sense to me. I saw clearly why the Church was right to teach that the use of artificial birth control was sinful and harmful.

I told Kathleen about my change of heart and she seemed very skeptical. I did not draw a line in the sand at first, but ultimately, I had to. I could no longer, in good conscience, have sex and use artificial birth control. I suggested we look into natural family planning (NFP), which is a method of charting your fertility signs to know exactly when you are fertile and when you are not. The Church approves of NFP because sexual activity is open to children, and because only natural means are used to postpone having children. She resisted at first, but eventually she agreed to go to an NFP class through our diocese.

Kathleen got off the pill and it took several months for her fertility to even out. Once it did, and once we got comfortable with how NFP worked, we both liked it. We felt good about her better health. We grew more and more confident that it was effective. Over time, it produced closeness impossible with artificial birth control. The amount of restraint you have to exercise to avoid pregnancy is a small price to pay for the added intimacy and closer friendship that comes from working selflessly toward a desired end. Natural family planning was another step in God’s healing work in our marriage.

The last step was making love on a night we knew Kathleen was fertile. Knowing that and intentionally deciding to go ahead was to participate in a love deeper than I could imagine. Several weeks later, we got confirmation—Kathleen was pregnant. The birth of our daughter was the final step in Kathleen’s healing. Kathleen told me later on that she had prayed for intercession from her children in heaven, for her pregnancy to be healthy and without complications.

We went through Bradley Natural Childbirth classes, which taught us a team approach in which I learned how to relax and soothe Kathleen and how to be her labor coach on the big day. We read every book we could get our hands on, did our nightly exercises and massage routine, and Kathleen tried to eat all the right foods. Kathleen labored for six hours before giving birth to our daughter naturally and without complications. Our daughter is the most beautiful and wonderful gift God has ever given us.

When I look at our past and the steps we had to take to deal with the confusion and frustration abortion caused in our lives, I know that each step was important and could not be rushed. God is so patient. God is so faithful, and God works miracles when we stay humble and open to him acting in our lives. Sometimes that requires hard work on our part. Your wife and your marriage are worth that hard work and I would just encourage you to stay at it.

______________________

The Impact of Abortion on Military Personnel and Their

Families

Jody Duffy, R.N., is a former Army officer, military spouse of 35 years and the wife of a major general.  In the following interview Jody shares some important insights from her extensive personal and professional experience helping women and men recovering from abortion loss.

 Can you share some of the unique challenges for families in the military?

Jody: There are many stressors and challenges faced

by military families such as frequent separations, communication difficulties, frequent and long deployments, frequent moves, and long work hours. In times of peace and in times of conflict, for the soldier it is about duty and about the mission.

In many cases duty to the mission overshadows duty to the family.  What happens to deployed soldiers is well documented. What happens to the families left behind is too often overlooked.  Only in recent years have studies begun on the effects of deployments on the military family.  Frequent moves and frequent deployments are a way of life for these families. Military life in itself can be stressful for both soldiers and their families.

How widespread is the experience of unplanned pregnancy and abortion in the military?

The military has a higher pregnancy rate than any other any group in the U.S. Because abortions are procured at local clinics, there is no means to track abortion rates among those pregnant military members.  According to a few military doctors and OB nurses I have spoken to, a large number of female soldiers and dependents go to a military medical facility to validate the pregnancy and never come back. They procure an abortion at a local abortion facility.

How does abortion impact our military personnel?

Jody: The pain and grief of abortion only adds more stress and conflict to their lives.  Whether it is the female soldier not wanting to sacrifice her military career or feeling pressured to fulfill her duty, or the male soldier feeling fatherhood may stand in the way of his mission, sacrificing our unborn children to abortion is an unfortunate and frequent reality of military life.  Abortion decisions often involve varying degrees of pressure and conflict.  This predisposes them to have more intense post-abortion reactions and even trauma.

Left untreated, how does this post-abortion problem manifest in a soldier’s marriage and family life? Abortion provokes a major crisis in the lives of a married couple which is frequently followed by the instability of that relationship. Frequently, one or both of the couple have been involved in an abortion before they met their spouse. Many carry this baggage into the marriage, causing even further problems in the relationship.

The family is the cornerstone of the church, our nation, and civilization.  Whether National Guard, Reserves, or active duty, our military families are the strength of our soldiers. When unresolved abortion grief leads to strife in our military families, it affects the strength of our soldiers, the strength of our military, and ultimately the strength of our nation.

 We know that abortion can be a contentious issue.  How receptive are military chaplains and others in the armed forces to your outreach in this area?

Jody:  There have been many positive responses by military

chaplains to the concept of post-abortion healing programs. However, chaplains move as frequently as any other military members do. Programs embraced by one chaplain may not be a priority to the next chaplain coming in. However, many members frequently attend services or Mass at churches off post. Contact with these pastors has been very positive. Many acknowledge that there are large numbers of military members attending their services, and have been very receptive to receiving information about post-abortion healing programs.

Yes, the issue of abortion is controversial; however, the issue of healing should not be.

Why is this an important concern for our military and civilian political leaders?

 Jody:  Our military leaders should be very concerned

about the effects abortion has on their soldiers.  It is tragic that soldiers may choose abortion to try to protect their mission.  Soldiers who bring unresolved abortion grief and even trauma into their mission are not able to function in the same way they did before the abortion, thereby compromising their capacity to serve safely and effectively.  Unresolved abortion grief can affect a soldier’s morale, performance and effectiveness which in turn may affect the unit’s cohesiveness and mission.

Is there an abortion connection to the high suicide rate among veterans?

Jody:   Eventually, soldiers become veterans. This

unresolved abortion grief follows them into their civilian lives. Suicide rates among young veterans are rising at an alarming rate. Unresolved abortion grief can be a factor in these suicides.

Abortion recovery programs such as Rachel’s Vineyard provide women and men an experience of a safe and very effective grieving process, and emotional and spiritual support that are so essential for recovery.  It’s a foundation they can build on as they make the transition to post-military life.

It is our duty to reach out and help serve those who have served our nation. Fortunately I have had very positive results at veterans’ conferences and on veterans’ Facebook groups to which I belong.  But we need to do more to get the word out and connect both our active military and our veterans with resources for abortion recovery.

[Jody served as an Atlanta Rachel’s Vineyard retreat leader and as a military liaison for the Silent No More Awareness Campaign.  Jody is also the military outreach coordinator for

Post-Abortion Treatment and Healing (PATH) ministry in Atlanta.  She continues to help our nation’s service women and men find the information and resources they need to recover from abortion loss.  You can reach Jody at jae.duffy@ gmail.com.]

_______________

I Spent Four Years of My Life Defending This Country… But Couldn’t Prevent the Death of My Child David:

Susan and I separated several times; each of us had affairs during our troubled marriage. Our marriage was still on shaky ground when we arrived at the retreat center. We had finally come to the realization that it wasn’t so much a marriage problem between us as it was an abortion problem. We didn’t know how to get past the barrier that abortion placed between us.  We were empty, lonely and unable to reach out and console each other in our secret pain.

One of the main reasons we stayed together was because of our children, born after our abortion.  The abortion happened soon after we were married.  I was in the Army and was called to complete my last year of service stationed in Germany.  We agreed that Susan would stay with her folks.  We would save our money, and she would begin looking at houses for when I returned.  That was the plan. 

Susan called me shortly after I began my duty overseas and shared that she was pregnant.  The first thing I told her was, “We’re not ready for this; I have to finish my service. We can’t do this with me away for the next year.”  I convinced her that abortion was the right decision.

The day of the abortion was the day I died.  I felt dead for 14 years. 

When I returned home I struggled to understand myself as a husband and provider.  I knew deep down that I had rejected my first child and I felt like such a hypocrite.  I spent four years of my life defending this country, but couldn’t prevent the death of my child because of fear, inconvenience and selfishness.  Like a lot of men, I dealt with this wound by not dealing with it.  I stuffed it down deep, and put all my energy into my work. I felt like my identity was taken from me and I never felt whole.

I was successful in my business, but I had this nagging sense that disaster was just over the horizon and I couldn’t enjoy or trust anything good in my life.  I had a wife, a nice house and a couple of beautiful children. But I never felt whole.  It was like something was missing. 

I worked all the time and was emotionally distant from my wife and kids.  I felt in many ways like an outsider; more like a hired caretaker without a deep bond with my family.  When this painful realization would break through I would drink, look at porn on the internet, and try to get away from these feelings as quickly as possible.  But this denial was slowly eating away at my marriage and robbed me of the gifts that surrounded me—gifts that I was unable to fully embrace and celebrate. 

Susan and I both turned to people outside our relationship to help ease the loneliness and pain we secretly carried in our hearts.  The only way we knew how to share our grief was through toxic, angry exchanges that only left us more alienated, more hurt, more alone.  So we looked for others to meet our physical and emotional needs and had affairs with friends and co-workers. Unfortunately it is not hard to find other lonely, wounded people who are acting out their own unhealed pain.  I think broken people have special emotional radar that helps them find each other.

Despite our struggles, we clung to our Christian faith even as we fell short and sinned, and tried to make things work for the sake of the children.  We started to see a Christian counselor at our church.  For the first time, someone asked us if there was an abortion in our past.  Susan just broke down.  It was clear that this was the greatest wound in our marriage, and the source of our martial struggles.  If we were to stay together and build a new foundation in this marriage, we had to face this loss, and all the dark feelings associated with it.  The counselor recommended a weekend retreat for post-abortion healing called Rachel’s Vineyard.  We found their website and registered for the next retreat in our area.

We arrived at the retreat center very anxious of what was to come, but were quietly excited and hopeful that maybe this would help in some way. If it didn’t I was sure our marriage was headed for divorce. 

The Rachel’s Vineyard retreat is a healing process that uses various activities and exercises that are specially designed to heal the deeply buried grief and other pain that arises from an abortion loss.  One of the first activities of the retreat on Friday evening is based on the Bible story of the woman caught in adultery.  These Scripture stories are re-enacted in a process called “Living Scripture.”  In these meditations you enter the Scripture story and become a participant in that event.  Here’s the story from John’s Gospel:

Then the scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery and made her stand in the middle. They said to him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the very act of committing adultery. Now in the law, Moses commanded us to stone such women.  So what do you say?”  They said this to test him, so that they could have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and began to write on the ground with his finger. But when they continued asking him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”…And in response, they went away one by one, beginning with the elders. So he was left alone with the woman before him. Then Jesus straightened up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She replied, “No one, sir.” Then Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you. Go, (and) from now on do not sin any more.”   (John 8:3-11)

After the Scripture meditation we pass a rock around the room.  As we share the rock with the person seated next to us we ask them, “Does anyone here condemn you?”

They answer, “No.”

I reply, “Neither do I condemn you; go and sin

no more.” This is repeated as the rock is passed, establishing a sense of connection and safety in our group. 

After the exercise, as we shared our experience of the meditation, we touched on the issue of selfcondemnation and were made aware of a pile of rocks of various sizes, shapes, colors and textures placed beneath a table at the center of the room.  It turns out that many of us gathered on that retreat struggled with forgiving ourselves for our role in the death of our unborn children, and others struggled to forgive those who had pushed them to abort. 

The retreat facilitator invited those of us struggling with forgiveness issues to carry a rock as a reminder—a symbol of condemnation—of our inability to forgive. The rock represented (in a very concrete way!) our conflict. At any point during the weekend, we could freely put it down. Until that time you were instructed to carry it with you at all times.  Through this simple exercise I became aware, as the retreat progressed, of how the burden of selfcondemnation was impacting my life in so many ways and keeping me imprisoned in anger, depression and fear.

After I picked up my rock, I was inspired to share with the group, “I’ve been carrying this rock for 14 years. I’ve been emotionally dead for that long. I throw myself into my work, which alienates me from my wife, and it causes her to be angry, but I don’t know what else to do.  I don’t know how to heal. We don’t know how to heal our marriage.” 

With each exercise and activity I began to trust that we were on a painful but rewarding journey that would bring the healing in our lives we so desperately longed for.  For the first time we were able to share the story of our abortion experience, and felt safe to share our hearts with each other and the group.  

On Saturday afternoon we participated in the Living Scripture exercise based on the story of Lazarus in the Gospel of John:

When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed in the house. Martha said to Jesus, “If you had been here, Lord, my brother would not have died.”…

When Mary arrived where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet. “Lord,” she said, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died!” Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her weeping also; his heart was touched, and he was deeply moved. “Where have you buried him?”  he asked them. “Come and see, Lord,” they answered.

Jesus wept.…

Deeply moved, Jesus went to the tomb, which was a cave with a stone placed at the entrance. “Take the stone away!” Jesus ordered.  …After he had said this he called out in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped in grave cloths, and a cloth around his face.  “Untie him,” Jesus told them, “and let him go.”   (John 11:20-44)

You are probably wondering how they re-enacted this Scripture account.   The retreat participants are asked to name a part of themselves that has died because of sin.  The facilitator then takes a strip of gauze bandage, and gently wraps the area we identify.  Some in our group wrapped their eyes because they lost sight of God.  One woman asked that her heart be wrapped as it was broken from abandonment by her father and later her boyfriend when she became pregnant.  Another man felt powerless to stop an abortion he did not want and asked that his hands be wrapped.

When the retreat team approached Susan, my wife decided to have her left hand wrapped.  Susan said, “This is the hand that my wedding ring is on, and I want to see our marriage restored.”  

As the team approached me, I shared, “You have to wrap my heart—it is just broken. It’s been broken ever since I got the call that the abortion was over and my child was gone.”

Each of us was then given the opportunity to profess our faith.  Through faith in Christ we believe that we can rise from the death caused by sin and be healed of our deepest wounds. After Susan made her statement of faith, a team member went to unwrap her bandage.   I received a gift of grace at that moment that led me to say, “No, no, please, let me do it—I think this is my place as her husband. I want a partnership to begin that we have never had. I want to be there for her, not so distant anymore.”

And so, I unwrapped her hand; Susan, in turn, unwrapped my heart and asked forgiveness for her bitterness toward me. We embraced for the longest time. It was as if all the distance, pain and loneliness between us melted away in that embrace; it was a timeless and blessed event. For the first time since we were dating, we held hands as we walked along the road together to the cafeteria for our evening meal.

I took back something very important when I unwrapped Susan’s hand that day.  I was reclaiming and embracing my God-given vocation as provider and protector of my wife. After the retreat, Susan expressed to me that she felt secure in our relationship, protected and loved.   

Since that weekend retreat we have been like a young couple growing in love with one another.  We experience the growing pains that any couple faces, and the challenges that family life present us.  But because of our healing, we are deeply connected to one another and can openly share our hearts and souls.  We have disagreements and we struggle at times.  But we can have conflict without the pain and anguish that kept us from communicating effectively in the past— even about minor problems.  We trust we will work through our problems together.  I know we are better parents.  Our children benefit so much for this new peace and stability in our marriage. 

We are so grateful for the mercy and forgiveness of God.  No matter how far we drift from God in our lives, not matter the ways we hurt others and ourselves through our sin and selfishness, our God is waiting for us to return to him.  If you are suffering because abortion has touched your life, don’t be afraid, because our Creator is a loving Father who hungers for his son to return.

The words of Jesus say it so beautifully: But now we must celebrate and rejoice, because your brother was dead and has come to life again; he was lost and has been found.             (Luke 15:32)

(Endnotes)

1. Keep in mind that men may suppress their own anxiety and confusion about the abortion decision to not put pressure on their partner and “support her in whatever she decides.”  They fail to understand how this silent support can be experienced by their partner as a tacit approval to abort and reflect an unwillingness to accept the responsibilities of parenting the child.
2. Bush, Freda and Joe McIlhaney. “Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex Is Affecting Our Children.”  Northfield Publishing, 2008. 3   Burke, Theresa.  “Forbidden Grief: The Unspoken Pain of Abortion.”  Acorn Books, 2002.

4. Ibid.
5. Abusers will take advantage of their partner’s vulnerabilities to maintain control.  This in no way suggests blame on the abuse victim, but points to the value of abortion healing as an aid to empower victims to leave and not return to abusive partners, and take steps toward emotional and spiritual recovery.
6. Diocese of Bridgeport Connecticut. “Fairfield County Catholic.” August 2008.

C H A P T E R S E V E N

Gina’s Story

[The following is an excerpt from “Forbidden Grief: The Unspoken Pain of Abortion,” Chapter One]

By Theresa Burke  with David C. Reardon

“I was hoping you could help my daughter. She needs counseling. Somebody objective. God certainly knows I’m not.” Mr. Davis’s voice trailed off as if in regretful thought.

“What’s the problem?” I asked, shifting the telephone receiver to my shoulder so I could jot down a few notes.

“Well,” he stammered, “my daughter, Gina, is dating this guy. He’s verbally and physically abusive. He’s ruining her life.”

Mr. Davis sounded desperate. In his voice I could detect anger and hurt but worst of all helplessness. “I can’t just sit back and watch my daughter ruin her life. This guy already has another kid he can’t support. I don’t know what she sees in him. My Gina, she’s a great girl.”

His tone changed to a hushed whisper. “I love her so much but I’m losing her.” He was silent for a moment, then his voice cracked, “Please, can you do something? Can you help her see what a creep he is? Gina won’t listen to me anymore.”

I informed Mr. Davis that I couldn’t break them up, but I could help Gina examine her relationship and sort out her feelings about this man. Then I asked Mr. Davis if anything else had happened between Gina and her boyfriend.

The question itself was a threat. Mr. Davis hesitated. Finally he answered, “Well, there is something, but it should really come from her. I think she should be the one to tell you. After all, it’s her life, and I don’t want her to think I was talking behind her back.”

“Did your daughter have an abortion?” I asked in a matterof-fact tone. The word was said. Abortion. There was silence, as is almost always the case. I had a telephone listing for “The Center for Post-Abortion Healing,” yet still people would often struggle to explain why they were calling.

I met his daughter that night. Gina was 19, with long blond hair and sad blue eyes. “My dad made me have it,” she explained. “He told me I couldn’t live with them if I didn’t. He knew it might make me hate him, but he was willing to take that risk. I’d get over it, he said. I was not raised to believe in abortion. In high school I even wrote a paper on it.” Her eyes welled with tears, shining like brilliant sapphires.

Gina had never told anyone about the abortion; within a few moments, the memory surfaced like a tidal wave of grief. The surges of the experience came crashing against the fortress of my therapeutic composure as I attempted to steady her for the next gush of emotion.

Gina’s story came out between distressing sobs and gasps for air. “I came home from college on a Friday to tell them about the pregnancy and what we were planning to do.... My dad hit the roof. He wanted to know what he ever did to deserve this. Dad took my boyfriend into the kitchen to have a man-to-man talk. They would not let me in. Dad tried to pressure him to convince me that abortion was the best thing.”

With much difficulty, she continued. “Two days later I was up on a table, my feet in stirrups.... I cried the whole way there.... My mom took me.... I kept telling her I did not want this.... ‘Please, no! Don’t make me do this, don’t make me do this....’ I said it the whole way there.... No one listened. When a counselor asked me if I was sure, I shrugged my shoulders.... I could hardly speak. They did it.... They killed my baby.”

Overcome with heartache, Gina began to moan. Bent over, holding her womb, she couldn’t believe she had actually had an abortion. After a long, tearful pause, she continued, “Just as quickly as it had happened, everyone seemed to forget about it. My parents never talked about it. They were furious when they found out that I was still seeing Joe. They never let up on their negative comments about him. Things were not so good between Joe and me either. We were always fighting. I was so depressed and did not know how to handle my feelings. I was too ashamed to talk about the abortion with my friends, and my parents made me promise not to tell anyone.”

As her story unraveled, I saw many signals of complicated mourning. Anger and hurt filled Gina’s heart. There was grief, too.  Tremendous grief over a dead baby who would never be there to offer joy and hope. Anything related to babies made her cry: baby showers, diaper commercials, even children. Everything triggered relentless heartache. There was a wound in her soul that would not stop bleeding.

Though Gina’s family had been nominally Christian, religious faith did not hinder their desire for an abortion. Her parents had believed that by insisting on abortion they would save her from a life of poverty and tribulation with a man they did not believe could love or support their precious daughter. Joe already had a child whom he was not supporting. They feared for her future with such a man.

Now the future was here. Her self-esteem crumbled, depression was a constant companion, and her parents watched sadly as a negative transformation robbed them of the daughter they knew.

Gina joined our support group and also came for individual therapy. Once in treatment for post-abortion trauma, she became able to express some of her feelings. She was enraged at her parents for not being able to accept her pregnancy. They just wanted to get rid of the problem. She also felt angry at Joe for not protecting her and the baby. But since it was her own parents who wanted the abortion, Joe put the blame back on Gina.

Gina had been in deep psychic pain. Caught between loyalties toward her parents, Joe, and her unborn child, Gina was immobilized and unable to process her own feelings about the event. In a developmental sense she was stuck. She had not been given permission to grow up, have a baby, and become a mother. Her desire for independence and adulthood had been frustrated by her unsuccessful attempt to break her emotional reliance on her parents, who had always been so vital in her life. When she aborted her child, her embryonic womanhood had been aborted too. The result of the abortion was that she had become emotionally immobilized and uncertain. The loss of her child was an unprecedented assault on her sense of identity. Because she could not carry out the role of a protective mother, she felt an extraordinary sense of failure. In a state of severe depression, Gina was incapable of making decisions, powerless to assert herself, and unable to love.

Despite Joe’s abusive behavior, Gina clung to him. His mistreatment confirmed her low self-esteem and sense of powerlessness. Moreover, she knew her parents hated him. By forcing her parents to accept Joe, she was unconsciously lashing back, echoing the way they had forced her to accept an unwanted abortion. This dynamic gave her a sense of control, yet Gina was trapped in a vicious cycle in which she was punishing both herself and her father.

Perhaps most important, Joe signified her connection to their aborted baby. Gina feared that giving him up would destroy the only bond remaining to the child she still needed to grieve.

Once Gina was in treatment for post-abortion trauma, she was able to express these feelings. It was important for both her sake and that of her family that her parents enter into the therapy process with her. She needed them to validate her loss and accept their responsibility for contributing to her emotional devastation. Without this recognition, their relationship could never be fully healed.

In entering into this family counseling situation, I knew both parents would attempt to justify and defend their actions as they struggled with their daughter’s experience. This resistance or inability to confront and admit emotional or spiritual pain is called denial. In this phase of treatment, denial is a powerful temptation.

Gina’s mom came first. She listened to her daughter and expressed sorrow. I watched a pained expression come over the woman’s face, which persisted along with the inevitable excuses: “I know you are hurting, but we thought we were doing the best thing.... I realize this is hard, but you must get on with your life.... You wanted the baby, but how would you ever pay for it? How would you finish school?”

“But, but, but....” The list goes on and on like dirty laundry never ending, never finished. Each exception robbed Gina of the gift of fully acknowledging her loss. The suspended feelings were then buried, becoming depression, anxiety, and self-punishment.

Gina needed permission to grieve. Her parents had deprived her of the genuine compassion and acceptance she needed from them. They had not accepted the pregnancy, and now they could not even accept her grief. She felt utterly rejected by them.

Father Knows Best

Gina’s father had no idea what she had sacrificed in order to please him. The night before our meeting, he called me.

“My stomach has been upset all week since I heard about this meeting,” he said. “I want to do what is best for Gina.”

Then his tone became more formal and forceful: “I just want you to know that this is NOT a moral issue to me. Gina had to have that abortion! I still think we made the right decision. If I had it to do again, I would choose the same thing. I know this is not what she wants to hear. Should I lie about it to make her feel better? Is that what I should do? Tell her I made a mistake? I cannot do that!”

With renewed determination, I explained, “Mr. Davis, I know you love your daughter very much. I know that she loves you or she never would have consented to have an abortion. But the fact remains that your daughter lost something. What she lost was a child.  Her baby and your grandchild. Gina thinks about it every day. She cries about it every night. The event is far from over for her. You need to hear how the abortion has affected her.”

Mr. Davis did not respond. With conviction, I continued,

“When someone dies, the worst thing another can say is ‘it was for the best; it’s better this way.’ This does nothing to comfort and console; it only makes the person angry because you are not appreciating his loss or grief. Worse for Gina is that you don’t recognize the life that she is missing. Gina misses her baby, a child you have not been able to acknowledge.”

Eventually, Mr. Davis agreed that he would try to listen and that maybe he had something to learn. I really couldn’t hope for more than that.

“Men are not prone to emotional mushiness,” he reminded me. He honestly wished he could feel sorrow and compassion over the baby, but he could not. Nevertheless, he would listen if it would help his daughter.

Listening and Taking Responsibility

When Mr. Davis came in the next morning, he opened with a surprising statement. “I had no right to make that choice,” he said. After wrestling with various points in our conversation all night, he admitted that for the first time he realized that abortion was not Gina’s choice.

The session began and it was very intense. Gina expressed her anger, hurt, and feelings of rejection. She also shared her grief about the aborted baby.

Mr. Davis began to face some things for the first time. He was finally able to consider the baby and to separate Joe from the pregnancy. Abortion was a way to scrape out any symptom of his daughter’s sexual activity and “heroically” free her from the consequences of her own actions. He began to realize that his daughter was a woman now, one he should not have tried to control. He needed to trust Gina to be capable of making her own decisions without the threat of abandonment.

As these interpretations became clear to Mr. Davis, denial could no longer sustain its powerful grip. Suddenly, grief came upon him. He stared in disbelief, as if a light had abruptly cast shocking rays into a blackened room.

His voice broke with anguish. “Oh, my baby, my sweet baby, my Gina,” he cried. “I am so sorry. I was so wrong.” He pressed his face against her cheek, and the tears finally came. His tears mingled with Gina’s as they both wept. Gina put her arms around him. They embraced tightly as her father gently stroked her long hair. All the anger, the bitterness, the pent-up emotions, the grief, gave way. They sobbed in each other’s arms. He begged for her forgiveness. Between tears and tissues, he told Gina she would have been an incredible mother. In one beautiful moment, her motherhood had been validated, and Gina cried with relief.

In a subsequent joint session with her parents, Gina took personal responsibility for having allowed the abortion to occur and asked her parents to do the same. This time, her parents listened without defending or rationalizing what had happened.

Therapy helped Gina’s parents to understand the grave mistake they had made in forcing Gina to choose between them and her baby. I encouraged them not to make her choose again between them and Joe. In bitterness and grief, Gina might permit another type of abortion: a termination of her role as their daughter.

By acknowledging Gina’s grief, and sharing it with her, Mr. and Mrs. Davis restored their relationship with their daughter. Gina’s loving and happy personality was eventually able to bloom once more. She could continue forward in her journey toward becoming a confident and capable adult. With the support of therapeutic intervention, she found that she was able to identify her own needs, like the desire to break up with Joe and to attain her own goals.

C H A P T E R E I G H T

The Legacy of Racism and Abortion in the African-American Community

The following account reveals the journey of one AfricanAmerican man, David Williams, and his story of abortion loss.  David looks at his experience through the lens of his family history and later that of the intergenerational challenges arising from the systematic abuse and trauma of African-Americans from hundreds of years of slavery and discrimination.

The Christian faith and black churches have been a continual source of inspiration and transformation that were integral to the end of slavery and the ongoing struggle for AfricanAmerican men and women to claim their God-given rights and dignity as children of God.  David’s reflection touches on how some of the legacy of this intergenerational abuse can affect families and churches.  This reflection is an invitation, offered in a spirit of love and compassion, for deeper awareness and healing to strengthen the church and help it to fulfill its mission in our day. 

Following David’s reflection, we look at the role of faith and fatherhood but also abortion in the dream of Martin Luther King Jr. for racial justice and national healing from the shameful legacy of slavery and racial injustice.  Dr. Alveda King, daughter of A.D. King and niece of Martin Luther King Jr., challenges us to continue that struggle by healing the Shockwaves of Abortion that are ravaging the AfricanAmerican community. Part I: The American Dream

By David Williams

For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.   (Romans 7:15)

Growing up as an African-American born in the aftermath of the civil rights movement, I had big dreams for my future.  I was going to get a college education, become a lawyer or politician, and make a mark in this world along with a lot of money.  I was going to have a beautiful wife and a couple of kids with a big house and a white picket fence. It was going to be a happy life as I lived the American dream.

The Sins of Previous Generations

My parents and family members had a huge influence in how I viewed sex, marriage, family and children, as the generations before them shaped their views in these areas. My father was adopted and an only child. He never knew his birth parents. His adopted parents were deeply religious and his father was a pastor. Yet my father saw this “man of God” sleeping around with women in the church and often drunk.  I think my father felt at times that he was not loved or wanted. 

My father joined the Army at 16 and from the stories that he has told me in my early adult years, he was very promiscuous. He would joke with me that if I ever went to Germany I might meet some siblings. By the age of 19 my father was discharged from the Army, due to being injured on duty, and got married to his first wife. Though I am not sure of the exact number of years he was married, there were six children from this union. After his marriage, he was in a brief relationship with a woman who was separated from her husband and she became pregnant.  She shortly thereafter reconciled with her husband.  A year later my father married my mother.

My mother was born the second of six children to parents who were also deeply religious. Her father and mother were from sharecropping families in Mississippi. They were raised in the church and very involved in their faith community throughout their lives. They both were from large families. My grandmother was the ninth of 17 children and my grandfather was the second youngest of nine children. They married when my grandfather was 24 and my grandmother was 15.  They moved north to St. Louis to raise their growing family and eventually settled in Ohio.

My mother grew up with both parents in the house. By the time I was born my grandmother was married to another man and my grandfather was single and living with us.  As a kid I used to always wonder why my grandfather and grandmother were not married to each other. He was one of the nicest men that I knew and she was a harsh woman. After my grandfather died, when I was 24, I learned that he had a history of cheating on my grandmother and that he even had another child (which may be part of the reason they left St. Louis). Like my father, my mother grew up in a religious home with, at best, a distorted view of family.  

Home Life

My parents married six years before I was born and were together for 17 years. I have some pleasant memories during the early years of life, like snowball fights with my mom and brother, lunches with my mom while my brother was at school, going to work with my father, and family vacations. Yet these pleasant memories are overshadowed by the dysfunction of our family. I do not remember my father ever telling my mother that he loved her, never saw him kiss her and only once remember him giving her a hug. Yet I do remember my dad verbally abusing my mother and treating her like dirt on a regular basis.  My father was also verbally abusive and at times physically abusive to my brother and me.  

I remember one day a young woman visiting our house.  I quickly learned that this was my father’s daughter and my half-sister. I was at least 5 years old and never knew that my father was married and had other children. I had never heard my dad talk about his other children or seen a picture. There are still children from my father’s first marriage that I have never even seen.  This young woman took the initiative to find out where our father lived and came to visit him. My father did not seem to have any desire to have a relationship with this mysterious “other family.”

Around this time my mother returned to work as a nurse. This caused my brother and me to spend more time in the evenings and weekends with our dad. I never felt like my dad wanted to spend time with me but that he was forced to. Most of this time was spent with my dad’s friends, and on occasion in a bar or some other setting not appropriate for young boys. During these gatherings there was plenty of alcohol, “men talk” and on occasion women present who were not any of their wives.  There were times when I saw my dad going away to a room with a woman to have sex. To keep us from interfering, we were given money to play games and buy snacks, turned loose to play with kids we did not know in neighborhoods that were not safe, and even given permission to look at pornographic magazines. On the rides home my dad would tell us things like “never let your wife know everything that you do or how much money you have, and make sure you have a spare woman on the side.”

As a family we did not go to church but when I was around 8 years old my grandmother started taking me to Sunday services. I went to Sunday school and began singing in the choir. Though God was talked about at church, I saw it as just a place for me to go on Sunday. There were times when church seemed disconnected from the real world. My family situation reinforced that perception. 

Both my grandmother and grandfather were very involved in church. She was one of the church mothers and he was a deacon. They were both founding members of the church back when they were married to each other. Since her second husband did not attend church, the older members of the church still acted as if they were still together—usually addressing them together as Brother and Sister Williams. As a child I was very confused by this.

Parents’ Divorce

When I was 11 years old my mother and father divorced. I was not shocked or surprised by it at all. Yet I was deeply saddened by it. There was something in me that deeply longed for the love of my father and now he was moving out. My father was only moving a few miles away and my brother and I were able to see him at least monthly but usually with us taking the initiative.

During this time I was introduced to an 18-year-old young woman and told she was my half-sister. It turns out my father had a relationship after his first marriage ended and prior to marrying my mother.  

After the divorce my mother started going to church, where she met and started dating a man from the congregation.   She took on more hours at work with the hopes of one day sending my brother and me to college. Just as I longed for my father’s love, I needed my mother’s tender care and she wasn’t around much at all.

Her new relationship had a profound effect on my views of sex, marriage and God.  The gentleman that my mother started seeing was a member and a leader of the music ministry at our church. The only problem is that he was married and had five children.  The church was small and over time others knew about the relationship, including my grandfather, and nothing was done about it. As far as I know he was not confronted about it or removed from his leadership position at the church.  This led me to believe that in light of the behavior of my various family members, sex is better outside of marriage—and this is acceptable to God.

Influence of Family Members and Friends

As my mother was away more, I began spending time with other family members. All of my mother’s siblings had children and many of them were my age. Only two of her siblings were married; the other three were either divorced or had never married. Even the marriages that were together were rocky and featured the infidelity and dysfunction I saw and experienced with my mom and dad. There were a couple of men in the house but there was no real positive picture or model of fatherhood present. I had some cousins who never saw their father and others who lived with neither of their parents.

Along with my cousins, my friends became very influential in my life. As I was entering my teenage years, everyone seemed to have sex on the brain. The movies and music we listened to had to do with sex. We would look through pornographic magazines and watch pornographic films. Many of my friends, cousins and brother were beginning to date girls and have sex. I wasn’t at the time but not because I did not want to. I did not have any opportunities yet. They talked about their exploits with girls and I lied to fit in. Believe it or not, with all of these influences in my life I graduated from high school a virgin.  This was certainly not something that I was proud of.  In fact, I felt like a bigger loser because of it. I wanted to have sex but was really too shy to say more than two or three words to a girl.

Affected by Abortion

My brother attended college for one semester and after an abundance of partying and bad grades was off to Navy boot camp. My mother had worked hard for us to attend college and I was reminded of this as I headed off to the University of Pittsburgh. No one in my family had ever graduated with a four-year degree.  I believed at that time that if I was able to earn a college degree, I could avoid the problems that were so prevalent in my family. 

So I was going with a plan to do well but along the way I was going to have some fun too. One of the main things that I envisioned is that I would soon have a girlfriend and have sex. I made it through my first year of college on the dean’s list, had lots of fun at parties, drank lots of beer but still…no girlfriend or sex.

At the end of the first semester of my sophomore year, I finally got the boldness to approach a young lady and we started dating. In retrospect, I was looking to our relationship to make up for the love and affection that I had failed to find at home and with my family.  Almost immediately we began having sex.  At this point I thought that life was great until my girlfriend came to me three short months later with the news that she was pregnant. This was not something that either of us planned or wanted. We were both first-generation college students with the mindset that a college education, not marriage or a baby, was the key for our future.

We felt like we only had two options. We could either choose to have the baby or have an abortion. From our perspective, we both felt like having a baby at that time would interfere with our future plans and decided that abortion was the best thing to do. We were young and thought that we loved each other. We figured we could always get married and have kids later on.

Despite our decision, I distinctly remember my girlfriend repeatedly asking me, “David do you really think this is the right thing to do?” I assured her that it was and she had the abortion.

The procedure was traumatizing for her and within a few months our relationship was over. I truly believe my girlfriend was looking for me to lead. Yet I failed. I had failed to protect her from this pain and our child from death.

Many in our society say that abortion is a women’s issue and that the man is not affected by it. Almost immediately after my girlfriend’s abortion, there was the loss of our relationship along with the guilt of the abortion. In an attempt to medicate my pain from the abortion and other hurts in my life, I became very promiscuous, partied, and drank more heavily than ever while pursuing my college degree.

Shortly after completing my undergraduate degree, my choices led me to another unintended pregnancy at the age of 22. This young woman and I had only known each other for a few months. She made it clear that she did not want to raise a child alone. My guilt from my past experience and fear that she’d abort led me to the decision to marry her. I did not love her, nor was I suddenly pro-life, but on a deeper level I was trying to atone for my past mistake.

After we married, I was filled with rage and it was often directed toward my wife. We had a son and it was hard for me to be overly excited at his birth and to really bond with him. I was not committed to my new family and continued to medicate my pain through partying, adulterous relationships and pursuing success through my continued education and career. Four short, hard years later, at the age of 26, our marriage ended and we divorced.

Forgiven by Jesus, Yet Still Deeply Wounded by Abortion

As my life was falling apart, I came to know the forgiveness, grace and truth of Jesus Christ. The grace of God began to radically transform my life, setting me free from sexual sins, drunkenness and unhealthy relationships. In about a year and a half after coming to know God, I had left my promising career in government and was in full-time ministry sharing my testimony and the gospel of Jesus Christ to young people.

A few years later, at the age of 30, I was privileged to marry my wonderful, beautiful wife Terea. God’s amazing and abundant grace not only blessed me with a wife but with four precious children (she is currently pregnant with our fifth child) as a result of our union. As a Christian man I was committed to growing in my relationship with God, my wife and children.

Yet there were still times when I found myself struggling with outbursts of anger, bonding with my children, depression, low self-esteem, an inability to lead and make decisions, and callousness. When my mother died suddenly and unexpectedly in the summer of 2011, I found it hard to grieve her passing and questioned God as to how my heart could be so hard.

For a number of years I had frequently shared parts of my story with teens and college students. Though I would mention the abortion that my girlfriend had when I was 19, I had no idea of how deeply I was wounded by it.

In 2013, I was asked to share about the abortion experience at a pregnancy resource center banquet in Cincinnati, Ohio. At the event I met a gentleman named Brad Mattes from Life Issues Institute and founder of the Men and Abortion Network.

Healing the Abortion Wound

A few days later Brad and I had a phone conversation where he asked me a question which at the time I thought was weird. He said to me, “David, how have you invited Jesus to heal you from the effects of your past abortion?”

My initial thoughts were: I am OK…that was so long ago (22 years) and I have been a Christian for 16 years.  But I said to him, “I have not specifically done anything to heal from the wounds of the abortion.”

He then asked me if he could send me a book titled “Fatherhood Aborted”¹ and if I would be interested in going through a post-abortion Bible study with a male peer counselor. I told him that I would be open to both. As I read the book and went through the Bible study I began to see the effects and the deep hurt of the abortion in my life—both prior to and after coming to know Jesus. I would have never made the connection.

As I went through the Bible study, I began and continue to experience God’s forgiveness, grace and healing in everincreasing measure. It has impacted my relationship with my wife, children and ministry in ways far beyond anything I could have imagined. By God’s grace he has called me to be

a champion for the unborn, to minister to those, particularly men, in the midst of crisis and broken by past abortion.

Part II: The Unique Challenges of Abortion in the

African-American Community

My story is one of many in the African-American community. The experiences of my life are unique and I know that you cannot generalize the experience of any one person to an entire race of people. Yet I know from my personal and ministry experience that many other men share stories that are similar to my own.  Given the statistics of abortion among African-Americans, we know that millions of men and women have been impacted. 

According to 2010 census data, African-Americans make up 12 percent of the U.S. population but the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reports that black women accounted for 35.4 percent of all abortions in 2009. Abortion is the leading cause of death among AfricanAmericans alone, accounting for more loss of life than HIV/ AIDS, violent crime, accidents, cancer, and heart disease combined.² Since 1973, 13 million African-American babies have died in their mother’s womb,³ leaving multitudes of broken women, men and families affected by abortion. 

The Legacy of Slavery:  Intergenerational Trauma,

Intergenerational Sin

The institutionalized abuse of slavery had a profound impact on the family structure of the African-American community that I believe makes it more susceptible to abortion.  Families were systematically and cruelly dismantled for generations according to the business needs of the slavers. Men would be torn from their wives and children. They were bred like animals to create the optimal labor value for the slave businesses. Women were routinely sexually abused, raped and separated from their children. Many mothers would abort their unborn children rather than have them born into slavery.

African-Americans were not seen as persons created in the image of God but something less than fully human. Because of this they were treated as nothing more than property to be done with however their “masters” saw fit. This sinful, ungodly system of slavery—which lasted for over 200 years in our nation—oppressed, devalued and traumatized AfricanAmericans.  However, it also left a legacy that ingrained in us certain unhealthy mindsets about marriage, family, sex and abortion.

Now babies in the womb, who are created in the image of God, are viewed by our nation as less than human. They are seen as nothing more than the property of the woman, who happens to be a mother, to be kept or discarded according to her choice. This is very similar to the way that African-Americans were viewed during slavery.  Even though freedom and equal rights to African-Americans have been legally restored in our country, some still hold on to the mindset that blacks are inferior (racism). When you combine these facts it does not surprise me that the majority of abortion providers are in urban centers and that over 30 percent of abortions are by black women.

The abortion industry and their allies think the solution for the high rate of out-of-wedlock pregnancies and other social problems in poor minority communities is abortion and more birth control. What they fail to see—or ignore—is that this attacks us in those areas of historical traumatic vulnerability.

Those who have a previous history of trauma are more likely to experience more serious post-abortion reactions, such as debilitating anxiety/depression, substance abuse, and to act out their grief and pain in dysfunctional relationships.  Obviously this feeds the very problems the pro-abortion forces say they are rescuing us from. But the truth is, we are being exploited and targeted in a very direct way by the abortion industry.

Legislation restoring our God-given rights and dignity and our Christian faith have been central to our exodus from slavery as we continue to proclaim our love for Jesus and share his Gospel.  But as my family experience testifies, laws and faith practice alone are often not enough when facing the ingrained legacy of generational trauma and abuse and patterns of generational sins that can grow out of that pain and suffering. Only a deeper experience of the forgiveness and healing by Christ can help cleanse these deeper wounds and restore us to embrace our full vocations as children of God. 

Healing the Shepherds, Healing the Sheep

After preaching at a predominantly white congregation on the topic of living holy lives and avoiding sexual sins,⁴ I was approached by a middle-aged white woman with an interesting question. She asked me why sexual sin is tolerated in the African-American church. I must admit that I was taken aback by the question for hadn’t I, an AfricanAmerican man, just preached “that there should not even be a hint of sexual immorality among God’s holy people”?

She went on to share with me that she had in recent years been involved in relationships with African-American men. Both of them said they were Christians and one of them was a pastor.  She told me that she had to break off both of the relationships because these Christian men were pressuring her to have sex. This was a sad commentary and I was actually a little embarrassed by it. 

It is indeed true that the effects of slavery have deeply impacted many African-Americans in this nation (our view of self, sex, family and abortion). Yet Christ came to free us from these intergenerational sins to live in a manner that is pleasing to God.  Sexual immorality and abortion should no longer be the practice among those who profess to belong to Christ. The history of our people and the dysfunction of previous generations should not be what characterize our lives.

The apostle Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 5:17:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

Sadly, some of us are deeply religious but unchanged by the transforming power of the resurrected Christ. We must acknowledge and forgive those who have hurt us, confess our sins, and renounce the sinful lifestyles of previous generations, and most importantly, grieve our losses. This is especially true for men who have been wounded by abortion and perhaps other abuse and loss in their lives.

Learning to grieve these losses and the sin that flows from these wounds can be the most challenging part of the recovery journey.   Men, taught to be strong and never vulnerable, can struggle with the feelings of weakness, shame and fear that are part of allowing our grief to surface, and the feelings and memories that accompany that grief.

But when men find the courage to open up their hearts and souls allowing their grief and loss to be expressed and honored, we find liberation in the saving power of Christ.  Healing abortion and other sexual sins and wounds such as abuse allows the light of Christ to enter the most intimate places in our hearts and souls.  

This open and honest accountability of our lives lowers the dynamics that can feed acting-out behaviors such as sexual immorality, extramarital affairs, addictions and pornography. We are strengthened as men, husbands, and fathers and as church leaders. 

In my speaking ministry, as I share about my abortion loss and healing, pastors and ministry lay leaders have opened up to me about their own shame, pain and guilt from being involved in an abortion decision. Yet many are reluctant to enter into a healing program or be public in any way about this secret in their past.  They may love the Lord, and truly desire to do his will, yet their failure to humbly bring this loss to the Lord for repentance and healing weakens them personally and in their vocations.

When those who are in leadership in African-American churches (and this is not just an issue in African-American churches) fail to address these wounds, it not only affects their own lives and families, but the lives and families of those to whom God has called them to minister.  If I am living in secrecy and shame regarding the sins of my past, in particular sexual immorality and abortion, then there naturally is a tendency not to go there with others, and tragically, to act out those unresolved conflicts in my ministry relationships.

I believe that as long as we live with these secrets, acting as if all is well, then we miss out in experiencing the healing grace and forgiveness of Christ. I think that this circumvents our ability to freely and fully minister God’s word to others. The unspoken—and at times, unconscious—thought becomes, “Who am I to speak up about abortion when I also am guilty and wounded by it?” This keeps too many silent.

Thus abortion continues to ravage lives in the AfricanAmerican community⁵ and leave in its wake multitudes of broken women and men who sit in church feeling guilty, condemned and afraid to confess what they’ve done and seek healing.  Abortion at its core is the killing of an innocent life created in the image of God. I’ve heard it said that it is an attack against the God who created human life.  It is a grievous sin that we often minimize but yet there are consequences (Galatians 6:7-8).  

We need to approach this wound with great sensitivity, personal humility and love.  We condemn the sin, but never the wounded and repentant sinner.  We offer the merciful love and healing power of Christ.  Not talking about it or failing to address it won’t change this truth.  This is a false compassion because this silence hurts us all.

I can attest from my own personal experience that when you open up this area to the grace and healing of Christ, you will be freed to preach the Gospel of life and the Gospel of the healing power of Jesus over abortion wounds. You will have the privilege of being used by God to lead others to forgiveness, healing and hope. Your ministry will be empowered and blessed in ways that you could never imagine prior to taking that step.

Don’t be afraid. Take that next step and reach out for the forgiveness and healing for which you hunger.  God is waiting with open arms and a heart filled with love and mercy for his wounded sheep. 

[David is an evangelistic speaker to youth, young adults and men as he partners with various ministries, locally and nationally. In his ministry to men, David speaks, writes and connects men affected by abortion to ministries and resources for help and healing. David is a member of MAN (the Men and Abortion Network). To contact David please email him at davidwilliamsspeaks@gmail.com  or visit his ministry

website at www.davidwilliamsspeaks.com]

_________________

They Had a Dream: The Legacy of Granddaddy King— Father of Martin Luther King Jr.

Kevin Burke, LSW

“In the following article you will find important insight into the connection between abortion and the role of the father figure in the life of a little girl who grows up to become a mother. I hope that this story will bless many with the same insight with which Kevin has blessed me.” —Dr. Alveda C. King, Director of Civil Rights for the Unborn of Priests for Life.

The King family shared in a special way in the legacy of triumph and tragedy that marked the civil rights movement in the tumultuous decades of the 1950s and 1960s. It is widely known that their nonviolent, prayerful resistance was a cornerstone of the strategy to dismantle the systemic structures of racism and violence that plagued so many African-Americans.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and his brother A.D. King were very visible leaders of this movement. They embodied some of the best qualities of manly and fatherly leadership in their struggle for the civil rights of all Americans, especially the weakest and powerless in our society.

Where did these men find the courage to develop those Gospel-rooted values that led them to be such powerful advocates for the oppressed?

A lesser-known part of the King family legacy is the witness of Dr. Martin Luther King Sr.   Many years before the civil rights movement and his son Martin’s famous “I Have a Dream” speech at the Lincoln Memorial in 1963, “Granddaddy King” was already a strong advocate for the vulnerable and powerless. Thirteen years before MLK’s iconic speech in Washington D.C., Granddaddy King also had his own very special dream.

Dr. Alveda King is the daughter of A.D. King and niece of Martin Luther King Jr. Alveda gives us a glimpse into the heart and soul of her grandfather:

In 1950 my mother was pregnant with me and scared. She was looking for a doctor to perform a D&C abortion procedure. Granddaddy King told my mother:

“They (Planned Parenthood) are lying to you. That is not a lump of flesh. That’s my granddaughter. I saw her in a dream three years ago. She has bright skin and bright red hair and she’s going to bless many people.”

Research confirms that a father or grandfather’s reaction to an unplanned pregnancy is a significant influence on the mother’s decision to parent or abort the child.⁶  Thankfully Granddaddy King stood up and defended the life of his unborn grandchild.  Granddaddy and Alveda’s father promised to help her through that first unexpected pregnancy and Alveda was born to A.D. and Naomi Ruth Barber King on January 22, 1951. Over the years, Alveda’s mother recovered from her anger, finding grace in her relationship with Jesus Christ.

Years later the King family would lead millions of AfricanAmericans to great victories over the forces of racism. Granddaddy King’s famous sons would peacefully but powerfully advocate for the poor and oppressed AfricanAmericans whose civil rights, economic opportunity and God-given dignity were being aborted by the institutionalized evil of racism.

Yet they also suffered a number of casualties. A.D. King died in a suspicious and tragic drowning accident a year after the assassination of his brother Martin Luther King Jr. The death of Alveda’s father inflicted a deep wound on Alveda’s heart and soul at the same time the sexual revolution and abortion rights were in rapid ascent.

Alveda shares:

During those years of my life, I made some scared and angry decisions, including having two of what was presented to me as “safe and legal abortions.” The first procedure was an involuntary abortion. The pro-abortion philosophy was empowering physicians to use their considerable influence to advocate for abortion. Sometimes they simply took matters in their own hands and boldly played God with vulnerable women and their unborn children.

Shortly before the Roe v. Wade decision in 1973 I went to my doctor to ask why my monthly cycle had not resumed after the birth of my son. I did not ask for and did not want an abortion. The doctor said, “You certainly don’t need to be pregnant…let’s take a look.” He proceeded to perform a painful examination which resulted in a gush of blood and tissue emanating from my womb. He explained that he had performed a “local D&C.”

Sadly, the rise of pro-abortion feminism was empowering men to embrace values that were radically different than those modeled by Granddaddy King and his famous sons. Rather than defending and protecting the powerless entrusted to their care, men were being corrupted by the philosophy and practice of abortion rights and the rhetoric of choice.

Just a few short years after Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated for his mission to protect and empower those oppressed by racism, black fathers were now participating in the death of their unborn black children; the same children that Dr. King dreamed would one day live in a country “where children…will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.” (Speech of Dr. King on August 28, 1963 at the Lincoln Memorial,

Washington D.C.)

Alveda: I never was able to process the trauma from that forced abortion. Soon after the Roe v. Wade decision, I became pregnant again. There was adverse pressure and threat of violence from the baby’s father now that abortion was legal and readily accessible. The ease and convenience provided through Roe v. Wade made it too easy for me to make the fateful and fatal decision to abort our child.

Granddaddy King saved Alveda’s life in 1950. Twentyfive years later he once again stood tall and reached out to Alveda, now reeling after two unresolved abortion losses, to pull back from the precipice of deeper death and destruction:

Alveda: Granddaddy MLK Sr. rescued me again in 1975. He and my son’s father promised to help me if I wouldn’t abort my next baby. I believed them, thank God.

But Alveda would still suffer the after effects of her abortion losses. She shares about the “shockwaves of abortion” and their impact on her life and family:

Over the next few years, I experienced medical problems. I had trouble bonding with my son and his five siblings who were born after the abortions. I began to suffer from eating disorders, depression, nightmares, sexual dysfunctions and a host of other issues related to the abortion that I chose to have.

I felt angry about both abortions, and very guilty about the abortion I chose to have. The guilt made me very ill.

My children have all suffered from knowing that they have siblings that their mother chose to abort. Often they ask if I ever thought about aborting them.  This is very painful for all of us. Also, my mother and grandparents were very sad to know about the loss of the babies. The aborted child’s father also regrets the abortion. If it had not been for Roe v. Wade, I would never have had that abortion. Thankfully, through God’s merciful healing we continue to recover and heal as a family from the pain of those abortion losses.

When you look at the sacrifice and legacy of the King family in their battle for racial equality and justice, it is truly an abomination for Planned Parenthood and other abortion advocates to spread the propaganda that abortion is a woman’s civil right. The struggle for civil rights for AfricanAmericans was a movement led by men and women who were willing to make the ultimate sacrifice; they were ready to take a courageous stand and if necessary give their lives for those oppressed by racism and violence. Granddaddy King and his sons Martin Luther and A.D. King—and many other brave African-American men—embodied this model of manhood and fatherhood.

 “The Negro cannot win as long as he is willing to sacrifice the lives of his children for comfort and safety.” —Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

(Endnotes)

1. Condon, Guy, and Dave Hazard.  “Fatherhood Aborted.”  Tyndale House Publishers, 2001.
2. Black Genocide.  http://www.blackgenocide.org/black.html3   Ibid.

4. Listen to the message at David Williams Speaks: http://www.davidwilliamsspeaks.com/#!purityholiness/ccy5
5. Human Life Alliance.  Did You Know?  http://www.humanlife.org/files/2014/0967/0687/DYK_WEB.pdf
6. Reardon, David.  “Aborted Women: Silent No More.”  Loyola University Press, 1987.

C H A P T E R N I N E

The Long Way Home:

Abortion—Addiction—Recovery

Part I:   David’s Story

Does it feel that your life’s become a catastrophe?

Oh, it has to be for you to grow, boy…

So, when the day comes to settle down, Who’s to blame if you’re not around?

You took the long way home

     —Supertramp, “Take the Long Way Home”

[Synergy:  The interaction or cooperation of two or more organizations, substances, or other agents to produce a

combined effect greater than the sum of their separate effects.] 

Abortion can act as a powerful agent combined with childhood and adolescent wounds, alcohol abuse, and other addictions. As David’s story will reveal, this can create a lifethreatening scenario.

David: Deadly Perfectionism

It was about 3 a.m., depressed after another night of drinking when I called my pastor’s home and got the answering machine.  I left this not-so-cryptic message: “I just called to say goodbye.” I was in the middle of another restless night ruminating on how my life had fallen apart. I played judge and jury in this courtroom in my head and kept coming up with the same sentence…Death! I was a complete and abject failure as a man, a husband and as a father.

I couldn’t stand the thought of waking up to face another day in my own tortured skin. I hated what my life had become, I hated my weakness and fear, and I hated myself. I told myself with deadly self-pity that everyone I knew would be better off if I was out of the picture.

I filled the bathtub in my apartment and slipped into the warm water.  I took a razor blade and began to make small cuts on my arm hoping to build up enough courage to make that final and decisive cut.  

Thank God, when I phoned earlier my pastor John woke from a sound sleep and, hearing the phone ring, felt the strong feeling that he should check his answering machine. After hearing my message he called 911.  The EMTs arrived just as I was contemplating making deeper and more deadly cuts to my wrist.  They quickly assessed the situation and took me to the emergency room of a local hospital.

Pastor John visited me in the hospital.  He said to me, “I knew you were going through a tough time, but I didn’t realize just how much you were hurting. I hope we can work together to make sure you never see suicide as the only way out.”

As I lay in that hospital bed feeling so weak and numb, I wanted to believe that he could help me, but I still felt depressed. In the days ahead I began to hope that maybe God, through Pastor John’s help, had spared my life. There was a reason I had called him; somewhere inside me there was a desire to reach out for help and find healing…but I didn’t know how.  I started by trying to honestly look at how I got to this point in my life, confined to the psychiatric unit of a hospital on suicide watch.

Family Life and Father Wounds

I grew up in a modest home in a typical northeast suburb in the 1960s. I idolized my father. He was always bigger than life and so much fun to be with. We would go miniature golfing or bowling together. My mom seemed unhappy a lot of the time, so I really craved my time with Dad. I later learned my mom was unhappy because she and my father didn’t get along and he was unfaithful to her. I knew they had fights, and Dad would disappear for a while, but I was usually out playing ball with friends. Despite the marital problems, my father always made time to take me to a ballgame or go out for ice cream on weekends.

I was eight when my mom told me that she and dad were getting divorced.   I didn’t want to believe it. For a while I pretended it wasn’t real.  I just believed that any day my father would be walking through that door from a business trip.  He would give me a big hug and kiss and we would wrestle or go out back and throw the football around.

But reality started to settle in, making a mockery of my faith and shattering my denial. I can’t begin to explain how devastating it was to lose my dad. I couldn’t wait until those weekends when I could visit him, but they could never replace his presence in my home. Not having him around was the biggest wound. It left a hole in my heart that I could never fill.

My father remarried and had a daughter. More and more of his time and energies went into the new life he was building. I looked forward to my visits, and we did the same fun things, but it wasn’t the same. He moved farther away, which cut down on visits. He had his new family and I didn’t really feel part of my mom’s new family when she remarried; I always felt like an outsider with no place that was truly my home.

As I grew into early adolescence, my mother would frequently tell me that I looked and acted just like my father. I could feel her resentment toward me. She took good care of me, and I am grateful for that. But she was often emotionally distant. I think my presence reminded her of my dad and her failed first marriage and I could feel that. I am sure she also felt my anger and resentment directed toward her because my dad left us. She would pick on me and suck me into fights. My stepfather was a nice man who would try to play peacemaker, but in the end he would inevitably take my mom’s side.

I was considered a good-looking guy, so as I entered adolescence I took solace in the attention of girls, sports and rock music. I partied like most teens in the 70s with some beer and pot now and then. In my last semester of high school I signed up for the Air Force. I was stationed overseas and took advantage of the opportunity to take college courses in business and completed my four years of service. After my discharge I found an apartment, completed my degree and went to work for an area corporation that welcomed a veteran with a college degree. My life seemed headed in the right direction and I felt good about the future.

I met Betsy one night after work at a local club. We danced and hit it off right away. We had only dated for three months when we got engaged. Like most engaged couples we were having sex. It wasn’t a regular thing but once in a while she would stay over, telling her parents she was at a girlfriend’s house and we would sleep together. It never crossed our mind that she might get pregnant since she was on the pill.

One Monday morning Betsy called me at work. “I’m late for my period and got a pregnancy test.” She paused for what seemed like an hour. “I’m pregnant.” I couldn’t speak! “Aren’t you going to say something?” she asked. I finally said, “I have to get back to a meeting; we can talk about it when I get off work.” Needless to say, I didn’t get much work done the rest of that day.

I remember vividly the apartment we lived in and the time as we agonized over the decision and tried our best to comfort one another.  It seems stupid now, but at age 22 we also both felt embarrassed and wanted to escape telling our families we were dealing with an unplanned pregnancy as we prepared for marriage.

 I remember going over in my head all the rational reasons we should abort:

—We don’t have a lot of money saved; shouldn’t we wait until we are married and settled for a year or so?

—We need to wait until we’re ready; this isn’t the way we want to start out our life together.  I want us to have the kind of life Betsy and our children deserve.

We scheduled the appointment for the abortion and I took off work so I could go with her.  I remember feeling so bad that I wasn’t able to go into the room with Betsy and that I needed to wait outside in the waiting room.  We cried again when we left that place and we never really spoke about it again.

I didn’t know it at the time, but the minute our baby’s tiny heart stopped beating that June day in 1983, the seeds of destruction took root in our marriage.

One of the first things I noticed after the abortion was that we both pretended it never happened, and had this unspoken pact of silence around the whole business.  As we prepared for our wedding, the momentum of that experience refocused our energies for a time.

After the wedding, I began to climb the corporate ladder. I thought of the abortion sometimes, especially when I had to pass through the section of town where the abortion business was.  I would feel bad about what I had done, but just as quickly I would stuff those feelings down and throw myself into my hyper-busy life of a young husband and businessman.

After a few months, Betsy became pregnant and I was overjoyed! Now we could put the past behind us and start building the family I dreamed of. When we went for our first ultrasound appointment, I wondered if it was a boy or girl. It was very exciting when the image came up on the screen. But while we didn’t share this with each other at the time, I think we were both thinking about that child lost to abortion as we gazed at the image of our unborn child.

After the birth of our son John, Betsy suffered some postpartum depression. Her mom moved in for a while to help out, and with rest and medicine she came out of it.

I felt like she was going through the motions when we had sex. We were learning to be new parents and all that, but there was something wrong; we were both unhappy, there was a growing resentment and distance in our relationship…but we couldn’t talk about it.

I started going out after work now and then with men and women from my office. I would tell Betsy I was working late on some project and might stop for a beer with a few guys from the office. My drinking began to increase along with occasional use of cocaine.  The cocaine was an especially powerful drug because it made me feel confident and self-assured in a social setting like a bar or club.  When I was high I was able to escape the feelings of being inadequate, and also escape the grief and shame of my childhood and the abortion experience.

I developed a special friendship with one of the women in this group.  Not surprisingly, with both of us drinking and sometimes using cocaine, one night we left together and I ended up going back to her place. After the sex I was overwhelmed with grief and shame for what I had done and vowed to never let it happen again. Unfortunately, I continued to attend the occasional after work party, and we fell into one another’s arms again.

Shortly after this, Betsy confronted me after work one day. “When you work late and go out with your buddies for a beer, do any of the women in the office go with you?”

I lied straight to her face. “No, Betsy, it’s just some guys from the office.” Her expression changed from anger to deep sadness as her eyes brimmed with tears. She mentioned the woman by name! How did she know? It turns out that another co-worker she knew from childhood, who worked in another division of my company, heard about the affair and told Betsy about it.  I tried to deny there was anything sexual between us, but by now her trust in me was shattered. She knew I was not only unfaithful, but also a liar. She packed up her things and our 2-year-old son and went to her mother’s home.

I had been living an illusion for some time now and in denial of how unhappy we both were as I slid into the quicksand of the affair. I could not believe that my marriage was falling apart and I was losing my son. The nightmare scenario of family separation—which I had vowed would never happen to my children—was happening. I begged Betsy to come back home, telling her how sorry I was and vowing to change. She was like a brick wall. She told me her trust in me was shattered and the marriage was over. It was so final, with no hope of reconciliation or redemption.

My drinking intensified. I would go out after work and try to forget what a mess I made of my life.  I starting watching pornography and would go to places for a “massage” that for a fee included sex. This only increased my feelings of shame, disgust and depression. I wanted a home and a family, yet here I was staring at my computer screen as the sewage of Internet porn flowed deep into my soul.

I was seething with rage and self-hatred at what I had done to my life (and from the separation from my son).  The drinking and pornography only intensified my feelings of isolation, depression and self-disgust. I thought my son would be better off without a dad like me. It was shortly after this that I made the suicide attempt.

The Long Way Home

While I was in the hospital, I met with psychiatrists and counselors in the psychiatric unit. Not one of them asked me if I had an abortion in my history, though we talked about everything else. My pastor was a huge support to me during this very dark time. When I got out of the hospital he connected me with an AA group. I wasn’t an everyday drunk, but I was using alcohol to self-medicate my pain.  The drinking and cocaine use contributed to my affair and pornography consumption.  My pastor thought AA would help and he was right. It gave me the discipline, structure and support to break the isolation and denial so I could begin to rebuild my life.

I also started to attend a men’s group at my church.

These men shared their struggles to live the life that God calls us to. My feelings of isolation and self-pity broke down in seeing other men struggling with sin but becoming stronger in faith and solidarity. I began to connect with these men who were really trying to live a life of virtue and faithfulness.

In one of our meetings, I shared about the abortion. It turned out that a couple of the men had also participated in an abortion in their past, so we went through a post-abortion Bible-study program together with our pastor. It was very painful to face my role in the abortion decision. We named our children together and honored their short time on this earth. We shared the hope of seeing them again in heaven, God willing. I named my son David.

The truth is that I sacrificed my first-born son on the altar of perfectionism and pride. Facing this reality was excruciating, but absolutely essential to my healing. Ultimately, it was the key to my liberation. I stopped trying to be perfect and have the perfect life, but threw myself at the foot of the Cross and acknowledged my inner poverty and sinfulness and my desperate need for a Savior. Jesus picked me up out of the mud, cleansed me in the blood and water flowing from his side, and restored my dignity and self-worth. I looked at how my childhood led to the development of this deadly perfectionism.

I am so grateful that my pastor and his wife reflected the love of Jesus to me at a time when I thought death was the only answer to my pain. I married a wonderful woman who I met at my church, and we have two great kids, a son and daughter. My son John, from my first marriage, is in college now. I have tried to share with him through the years the lessons that I learned in life, especially those taught to me from my brothers in faith.

They taught me that being a man was not about being perfect, having a perfect past, or having the perfect life, home, job or car. Being a man is more about loving and protecting the people God places in our care. God wants us to be faithful more than he wants us to be perfect.

My new job requires a long commute and I have to leave for work early each day. I try to make some time before I leave the house to pray, often as the first rays of light begin to shine over the horizon and the house is quiet and still. Many days, as the warmth of the sun fills our family room, I find myself reflecting on the promise of a new day and the hope of resurrection and eternal life. Alongside this joy I sometimes feel sadness and miss my son David. But I also have been given the special gift in prayer that I want to share with any of you who are grieving the loss of your child to abortion. God has allowed me to see a glimpse of an awesome truth:

One day when my life is ended, I will see the face of my aborted son David for the very first time. We will embrace with joy, dancing in the presence of the Lord as the Israelite King David danced before the Ark of the Covenant and we will be together for all eternity, joyfully praising our Heavenly Father.

And David, wearing a linen apron, came dancing before the Lord with abandon as he and all the Israelites were bringing up the ark of the Lord with shouts of joy and to the sound of the horn. (2 Samuel 6:14-15)

_____________________

Commentary:  A counselor or medical professional may see in a David’s troubled past a justification for abortion being the best option when facing an unplanned pregnancy.  David’s testimony sheds light on the vulnerability of those with previous loss and trauma, who then experience the powerful feelings that are unleashed by participating in the death of their unborn child. 

The abuse of alcohol and drugs to self-medicate and avoid the pain only opened the door to further suffering for David and his family.  Once again we see how essential it is for counselors, ministers, family and friends to have an awareness of the possible role of abortion in a man’s symptoms and suffering.  Simply asking about previous pregnancy loss or abortion in one’s history can open the door for a man to share about his abortion experience.  This accomplishes the all-important first step of ending the isolation and opens the door to continued recovery. 

___________

Part II: Amazing Grace         By Rev. Scott Miller, D.Min.

Since 2005, I have ministered in residential programs for drug and alcohol rehabilitation.  Here I meet many men who have the experience of abortion in their lives. For some of them the experience was tragic and heartbreaking. Others have dismissed it and really have not thought too much about it. However, I invariably find that there are issues surrounding that experience that need to be brought out into the light.  Before I offer some of my insights and strategies for reaching out to these wounded men, let me share with you my own story:

When my mother was pregnant with me, her adopted mother passed away. She was in a very stressful family situation with a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old to care for.  My mother was overwhelmed and felt she could not handle having another child. This intense stress led her to emotionally detach from me during the pregnancy and she was unable to bond with me in my first few years of life.

My father was present in the home but I never saw him much and I felt abandoned by him for the most part; his friends seemed to be a priority. The birthmark on his face added to my feelings of rejection as others often gawked at us out of shock when they saw us in public.

I carried these confusing feelings of abandonment and separation from others right into my adult life.  As a child I soon developed strategies to cope with these painful feelings.  I learned pretty early that if I performed well the tasks I was given, I would be rewarded with the acceptance and approval I was hungering for on a much deeper emotional level.  I was sent to my room for days on end to play by myself with my toys.  I could not figure out why I was exiled there but I learned that if I straightened up my toys and arranged them perfectly I would receive the smiles of affirmation I was looking for.

This desire for affirmation as a means of receiving the love that I needed worked fairly well in school. I was soon at the top of the class, receiving accolades from teachers and more importantly, my mother. However this need for affirmation began to backfire.  At the age of 12 I pushed myself to be the starting quarterback for the football team and ended up breaking my femur after being sacked in the end zone.  

In the hospital I learned that it was easier and safer to withdraw into the world of television. This habit of television watching continued after my hospital stay and I found myself withdrawing from life little by little. By the age of 14 I realized I was alone and afraid; I had no idea what to do with my life.

During this time I witnessed the positive attention people were getting for partying and becoming drunk.  I took advantage of the next opportunity to drink alcohol.  Sure enough, people were talking about my drunken antics the next day. The people who had been unimpressed by my academic achievements were now impressed by my drunkenness.  The addiction to alcohol helped to numb my feelings of rejection, abandonment and fear.  The alcohol also blunted feelings that I needed to help me navigate through life. 

When I was 17 I decided I needed a girlfriend. The girl I chose had issues of her own and very early in our relationship she involved me in sexual activity with her. As time went on our sexual intimacy increased, as did my alcohol intake, which was used to drown the guilt I was feeling.

Soon after, I learned that my parents were divorcing.  In the aftermath I found myself totally obsessed with alcohol consumption. It was during this period of heavy drinking that my girlfriend became pregnant.  She decided to have an abortion.  I expressed some opposition but she told me, “I spoke to your mom and she said I had to get an abortion.”  So I went along with the decision.

My Recovery From Addiction and Abortion Loss

My first reaction to the devastation of the abortion experience was to dive deeper into alcohol consumption in an attempt to rid myself of the pain I felt for my role in our child’s death. The alcohol just made things worse. I was burdened with the shameful secret that I had brought a child into the world... and had let her die.

I stopped drinking in 1981 and began reaching out for help and sought recovery from the issues I was grappling with.  The recovery programs I connected with emphasized the need for a relationship with God and a confession of things done wrong, so I went to a priest and confessed my terrible burden of guilt. He told me God forgave me and I did a complete turnaround in my relationship with God. From that point on, I began seeking him with my whole heart.

This newfound direction in my life led me back to university.  I took two courses in Christian religion and really enjoyed the classes. I decided to pursue this full time and went to Bible college in Dallas, Texas, and really began getting to know God at a deeper level. There was an altar call there for people involved in abortion; I was surprised to see at least 50 or 60 people at the altar. I went up and received more healing.  But I was still was not ready to look more deeply into that abortion experience.

After Bible college I got involved at a church which had evangelistic services nightly. I spent a lot of my time there and really enjoyed the fellowship. After serving as a youth pastor and then an assistant pastor I felt God calling me to seminary. I enrolled in a masters of divinity program in 1989. I completed the program, but it felt like something wasn’t right within me. I enrolled in a masters of counseling program, hoping to discover the source of my emotional difficulties.

While participating in a masters of counseling program in seminary, I was surprised to learn that one of the graduates of the program was coming to do a presentation to the class. I was more surprised when I heard that she worked at center that helped women with unplanned pregnancies. She shared with us the methods that were used during an abortion procedure. That presentation exposed me to what exactly had happened in that Planned Parenthood abortion clinic.

I couldn’t move after the class was over and eventually went and spoke with the head of the department. He sent me to the pregnancy resource center for counseling and I began my journey toward healing. I was surprised to see how many of my difficulties were related to the abortion.

After graduating with a masters of counseling I got a job as a counselor with Teen Challenge. There I began to hear other men’s stories of their abortion involvement. I did not feel competent yet to really help these men even though I had experienced some forgiveness from my personal counseling.  I decided to take my doctor of ministry and focus my research on the effects of abortion on men and the process of healing.

While working on my doctor of ministry, my supervisor invited me to a conference put on by the American Association of Christian Counselors. There were some workshops being held there on healing from abortion for men and women. I got to the workshop early and told the presenter that I was postabortive. She got excited because she had a man’s testimony as part of her presentation, but it was on video. She thought it would be great if I could do mine live instead, so I did.

After the workshop I heard some of the participants sharing about the Rachel’s Vineyard program and what a blessing it had been to them. I went on a retreat and it was an even deeper level of healing my abortion loss. I eventually went on to serve on the retreat team in Kelowna, British Columbia.  With each retreat, I gained new information, experiences and healing before starting a team in Winnipeg. We have seen many people deepen their healing through Rachel’s Vineyard and trained others to bring the retreat to their towns.

Soon God had me speaking on men and abortion in various places and in these journeys I learned about the Hope Alive Program designed by Dr. Phillip Ney. Through this program I was able to connect with some of the early childhood abandonment and neglect issues that contributed to my abortion involvement. I learned of my natural tendency to be self-willed and walk in independence from God and how this connected to my abortion decision and loss.

My healing from this experience is a process that continues until this day and will continue as I gain new insights from the experiences of redemption that God allows into my life. My child is eternal and I will see her one day, but in the meantime I remain open to the things that God wants to reveal to me.  He continues the process of my healing and restoration as a man and a father.  In the Paschal Mystery of my own life—out of

my experience of sin, death and loss—the Lord brought me out of slavery to alcohol addiction, sin and unresolved abortion pain.

But God also used this experience to plant the seeds of a new vocation of service to his wounded sheep.

Ministering to Men in Recovery From Addiction and

Abortion Loss

In my ministry with men, I have learned that for many of those recovering from addiction, there is no place where they can feel the safety and freedom to discuss their abortion loss.  I have seen how this unresolved loss is like a rotting cancer in their souls which can touch every aspect of their lives. 

One man opened up about his deep guilt for forcing his partner to abort their child.  A number of men shared with me that the shame and self-hatred they felt for their role in the abortion led them to attempt suicide on several occasions.  Another told me of the despair he felt when he learned that the $300 he gave his girlfriend was not for the rent...but to abort their son or daughter.  Others present with intense self-loathing and feel they have done irreparable damage to their relationship with God and insist they are headed for hell.

One of my more rewarding ministry relationships involved a man named Matthew whose abortion was the result of an affair.  He never knew of the pregnancy or abortion until several months after the procedure.  Matthew told me:

“After the abortion I spent the next 10 years in and out of treatment programs and psychiatric wards due to the fact that I was drinking excessively to deal with the emotional pain I was experiencing.”

When we started working on this part of his life, he

improved dramatically. Matthew got sober—and stayed sober.  He even got his old job back and married the woman he was unable to commit to in the past because of his drinking. I asked him if, during the 10 years of recovery programs and psychiatric wards, he had ever told anyone about the abortion.

He responded, “No, I never talked about it and I was never asked about it.”

This was an important lesson for me. It reminded me once again that while it is always a sensitive area to address, men pay a high price in their lives when pastors, or mental health and medical professionals, fail to ask these simple but very important questions at some point in the early phases of the counseling relationship:

I realize this can be a difficult area to talk about, but it’s important that we take a look at it.  Were you ever part of an abortion decision in your past?  What was that experience like for you?

If the man is living with his partner or married: 

Have you or your partner experienced any pregnancy losses—miscarriage or abortion?

Men are blessed when they are able to make the connection to their abortion loss (and often other life wounds) and realize if they’ve buried the whole experience under a barrage of drugs and alcohol.  It is only as they come to sobriety that they can access the memories that are buried, not only under the chemicals but under the trauma, shame and guilt of their actions.  As they do the emotional and spiritual work of recovery, they come to a place of steady and contented sobriety: 

Andrew: “I have been an alcoholic and drug addict

from the age of 17 until the age of 50.  At the age of 50 I finally began dealing with the two abortions my girlfriend had had when we were dating as teenagers. 

This is the longest that I’ve ever been sober.”

Martin:  “I have finally been given permission to grieve and I have been sober for several years now.” 

The Steps of Healing in My Ministry With Men

• The first step in any ministry/counseling relationship is to try to gain a therapeutic alliance. Once this has been established through empathetic listening, we can begin to explore if there are any pregnancy-loss issues we need to address.
• Next I ask the man to share his story. For some this may take a series of sessions, but I find that there are often a lot of emotions and issues revolving around the whole abortion experience.  I try to process some of these as we talk.  Soon powerful feelings of shame, guilt, regret, anger, hopelessness and grief begin to surface.
• We address the anger they feel toward themselves or others who were involved in the abortion.
• We then begin the spiritual recovery part of the journey by focusing on the forgiveness of God, of how Jesus came to pay the price for all sin, including the sin of abortion. We acknowledge that the children are in heaven with Jesus and that there is no unforgiveness in heaven.
• We talk about having a memorial service for the child and entrusting his or her spirit to the Lord.
• Building on the foundation of the emotional and spiritual healing of their abortion loss, I move into processing more deeply any unresolved childhood wounds. I look for the supporting relationships they had or did not have while growing up. I try to identify if there were early issues of abandonment or neglect. As we begin to talk and share about these things we begin to discern if he would be a good fit for a small-group sharing experience available in our men’s support group. We look at forgiving everyone involved in the abortion, including forgiving themselves.

We have two abortion recovery support groups for men: 

—PAPA (Post-Abortive Papas Anonymous) is based on a 12-step model of abortion recovery. Due to the fact that almost all of the post-abortive men I deal with have addiction issues, I find that using a format they are familiar with, like 12-step recovery, is a good place to start. If the participant seems to be progressing well in his recovery, I will often introduce him to the House of Esau recovery program.

—The House of Esau is a Bible-based recovery program for fathers of aborted children.  It uses the concept of Living Scriptures (developed by Rachel’s Vineyard founder Theresa Burke, Ph.D.) and group sharing to process and heal from an abortion. It is a biblical exploration of the issues surrounding a man’s post-abortive experience. The Bible study looks at issues such as the father wound, pre-abortion brokenness, the actual abortion story they have, guilt, shame, anger and grief. It is done in a framework of biblical concepts and spiritual solutions. This House of Esau manual can be processed individually on a weekly basis or in a group on a weekend retreat. (You will find information on these healing programs at the close of this chapter.)

Sometimes before or after the House of Esau program I will invite them to attend a Rachel’s Vineyard retreat. Some men fit well into the Rachel’s Vineyard healing experience and receive great benefit from their attendance. While I encourage all men to go, not all feel comfortable initially and feel more comfortable with an all-male group, so it is important to have multiple resources available.  Some men, after their personal healing journey and attending one of our men’s groups, will attend a Rachel’s Vineyard retreat with their partner or spouse.  This experience can open the door to healing in their relationship, which is often damaged by abortion.  Spouses do not have to be the parent of the aborted child or have had a previous abortion to attend. 

Finally, I may invite them to attend the healing program called Hope Alive, which looks more deeply into the childhood issues that contributed to their abortion involvement. Hope Alive enters deeply into the experiences of neglect and abandonment that contributed to a man’s involvement in an abortion experience. It helps identify key conflicts which a man may be subconsciously trying to resolve in unhealthy ways, which may contribute to him being found in circumstances that lead to abortion.

As a man passes through the various programs, his abortion becomes more integrated into his larger life journey. It becomes something he can speak about more freely as time progresses. It also becomes a tool by which a man can reach out to other men suffering after abortion loss and help guide them to hope and healing.

Healing Resource Information:

You can find contact information for House of Esau and their programs for men here:

House of Esau: www.silverlion.org/node/6

For additional information about House of Esau™ ministries, email us at: scottjm@shaw.ca.

Hope Alive:

P.O. Box 27103

772 Goldstream Avenue

Victoria, B.C., Canada V9B 5S4

Tel: (250) 642-1848 Fax: (250) 642-1841

email: mtjoycollege@islandnet.com

C H A P T E R T E N

Uncomfortably Numb: Breaking Through Emotional Paralysis

The 2013 University of Pennsylvania brain scan study of 1,000 men, women, boys and girls revealed some interesting differences in how men’s and women’s brains function.¹  Emotions:

—Women typically have a larger limbic system than men, which makes them more in touch and expressive with their emotions.  Women are usually more empathic and comprehensive in thinking, while men focus on exact issues and disregard impertinent information.

—Men have a difficult time understanding emotions not explicitly verbalized but can think more logically, while women have a more wholesome view of thinking and understanding but their emotions can sometimes influence decisions.² Language:

—Women are more attuned to words and sounds

and are normally better at learning languages.  This is also why men tend to have a harder time expressing emotions verbally.

Considering these tendencies in the context of abortion loss, men can struggle to make sense of and express their internal emotional experience.  When the feelings of grief are given an opportunity to surface, it can be difficult to find the words to express what they are feeling.  Men can feel overwhelmed by the intensity of the emotions. 

Often in the tendency to avoid or deny strong feelings of grief and loss, men separate these memories and feelings from their conscious awareness because they have neither the experience and understanding nor the means to process them; they will tend to reason that it is best to not “go there.” It makes no logical sense to waste time bringing up powerful feelings from the past when you can’t positively process them to some benefit in the present. 

Let’s revisit the counseling session with John from Chapter One:

Look, it seemed the best decision at the time.  I don’t see any benefit to digging up something that can’t be changed now.  You have to move on with your life.

Being Open to the Adventure

Yes, men and women are wired differently.  This does not mean that some women cannot be logical or that men cannot communicate emotions and be empathic listeners.  However, some of our general differences suggest that our Creator designed us so that we would complement one another in ways that best serve the needs of our families and communities. 

But we are not simply animals driven by genetics,

biological factors and instinct.  There are times when we are called to step out of our comfort zones so we can grow and change in areas that will bless our relationships and family life and deepen our faith.

There is a high price to pay for men and women when they are unable to experience the very natural and human opportunity to acknowledge and grieve their losses, to express any painful and confusing feelings, and to seek spiritual comfort and consolation.  Failure to do the natural processing of grief can take a toll on a man’s health.  As we have seen, this can have varying degrees of impact on his relationships with partners and children. 

The grieving process is unique for each person, but it is life giving and essential to be open to that adventure.  Some men will find significant relief in just being able to share with a counselor or friend, a caring person who understands this loss, or in a men’s group some of their feelings and struggles.  In Chapter Three we saw how important this is for men with a traumatic abortion loss.  Any man suffering acute symptoms after abortion—such as severe anxiety, depression, nightmares, self-medication through the use of drugs, sex and other high-risk behaviors, or suicidal thoughts or actions—requires immediate support. Isolation is not safe or helpful. (See the list of recovery resources at the end of

Chapter Eleven.) 

For some men, talking about their feelings is not the only context to more fully process their loss in a deeper way and move toward recovery.  In fact, given how men are wired, and the tendency to feel overwhelmed by intense emotions, many would benefit from a more active and engaging process such as that found in a program like Rachel’s Vineyard and in Bible-study formats like Healing a Father’s Heart and SaveOne.³   

Rachel’s Vineyard and similar recovery programs use special Scripture meditations and creative activities that go beyond talk therapy alone and engage the senses, helping men and women access and safely move through their feelings and memories.  This is an essential aspect of a deeper healing from complicated mourning and traumatic loss. 

“I Choose Hope”

The following account is a good example of the many men who are completely cut off from any emotions associated with their abortion loss.  This is a marriage relationship that is on the precipice of disintegration.  You will also see in this testimony the value of an active and engaging process of abortion healing to help access repressed and dissociated emotions:

Don:

My marriage was on the point of breaking up. Sally and I had already been emotionally and intimately separated for some time, and she could no longer keep up appearances. She never was good at being a hypocrite and had come to her end. She forced the issue with me that while she had dealt with our abortion, I hadn’t. A small part of me thought that she might be right, but a larger part thought that there was probably nothing there. Everything became wrong between us and within another week I had moved out of the house.

I stumbled upon the abortion healing weekend called Rachel’s Vineyard on the Internet. I read about the retreat and thought that it might be what I needed with two exceptions: I am a man and I would be attending alone. I called the number posted on the website and spoke to a tender woman.  I say tender, because that is the one word that would describe our discussion.  It seemed that tenderness was something I needed. 

I was relieved that I was going since I had hit bottom and had nowhere else to go. I was living out of the house, I was alone, I was angry with Sally, and I was angry with God. And in that state of mind, I made the one-hour drive to the retreat center.

During the opening session, everyone was asked to say a little bit about themselves and why they were there. That was simple enough for me to answer. I needed to find out if I had somehow buried my abortion experience somewhere in my soul where I couldn’t get to it, or if there was nothing there. I was open to either one and just wanted the truth.

The retreat itself is very welcoming, warm, and safe. It is a series of spiritual experiences based on Scripture and followed by meditation, healing activities, and reflection. I would like to first mention one of the exercises and its impact on me. It was based on John 8:3-11, the woman caught in adultery. I left that exercise with a literal rock to carry around on the weekend representing some of the emotional baggage, forgiveness toward self and others, shame, guilt, grief, and all the other stuff we carry around after abortion. I could discard it at any time, but I had to tell the group why I thought I was free to get rid of it. That was Friday night.

Late morning on Sunday, I still had my rock. I didn’t feel free. I didn’t feel like I had experienced any new revelations that would allow me to chuck that rock. The rock had come to represent despair...my despair.

When that became clear, I knew I had a choice to make. I could live the rest of my life with that despair, or I could throw that rock in the basket and choose hope. I guess it was somewhat of a revelation—that hope is a choice we make. It isn’t something that is handed to us or given to us or bought with money. It is an act of the will in the face of all that is dark. So there I was sitting in my chair, buried in despair. With all the strength I could muster I stood up and said, “This rock represents despair. I choose hope.” And with that little step of faith, I think God looked down from heaven.

Earlier that morning, before breakfast, I got up to write a letter to my child. My child has a name and it is Lucas David. My wife and I had named him several years ago when she wrote Lucas a letter. She grieved and mourned while I stood at a distance, unable to break out of the paralysis that had so gripped my life. That paralysis was still there as I wrote my letter. I so wanted it to be meaningful and real, but was surprised that as I wrote there was absolutely no emotion, only the all-too-familiar numbness. I wondered if I was human.

Later that afternoon, the memorial service began. Each participant went up one by one and read her letter. It was getting close to the end and I knew I had to go up there.

As I walked up to the podium to read the letter, a flood of tears came with the words, “Dear Lucas.” Those first tears proved to be just a leak before the dam broke. They came in waves, beginning in my chest and working their way up through my face and eyes. When I was done, I sat back in my chair. At that moment it was like the healing garment of Christ had been draped over my shoulders and the waves of grief and mourning kept coming until that poisonous well had been thoroughly drained.  My question had been answered. I had somehow buried the grief, sorrow, guilt and shame of my sin, my abortion.

The experience at Rachel’s Vineyard allowed me to break through to these feelings, honor the memory of my son, and make it possible for the Lord to restore my soul and give me the joy of salvation. I have struggled to put into words what happened to me: What happened to me was an authentic healing by the hand of God. There is so much that happened at Rachel’s Vineyard and so much that happened to me.

As I went through the retreat with some 30 women (there were three other guys there, not counting the priest and deacon), I realized that Sally was just like all of these ladies. Her grief and sorrow over the loss of Lucas David is authentic and real.  I was the one living a lie and I didn’t even know it. Abortion carries with it grave consequences that cannot be ignored, denied, or dismissed; otherwise they will kill and destroy, again.

My wife and I have fully reconciled. About an hour into sharing with her my retreat experience, I could see in her face that she knew God had done an incredible work. I told her that I would understand if it was too late, but her forgiveness and acceptance were immediate and complete.

Two weeks after the retreat, on Easter Sunday, at her suggestion, I moved back in…a fitting day for the resurrection of our marriage. I have often heard that God will use those areas where we have been wounded the deepest. Today, it is undeniable. The most traumatic event of my life was the abortion of my son. At least now I can see the wound, and see that God

has healed it. I am struck by the thought that I am an ordinary guy. But how many tens of thousands are still suffering in silence? They need to know that his grace is sufficient.

__________ Commentary:

Keep in mind that this is one man’s journey.  There are differences among men in temperament, family history, genetics, and culture that can impact how you process your loss.  You might have a very different experience when you attend a healing retreat, Bible study, or in a counseling/ ministry relationship.  You may find that something early in the recovery process opens the door for you to express your pain, tell your story and grieve in a healthy way.  You may not express your feelings so powerfully and it might be a slower process of recovery that may involve gradual steps of emotional and spiritual growth. 

As long as you are open to acknowledging, affirming and honoring your grief and to the essential spiritual work of repentance and reconciliation of your role in the abortion— then in God’s time he will bless you abundantly for stepping out in faith.   

The Greatest Obstacle

Sometimes, even with all the information and awareness in the world, you still may struggle with this core issue that can run deep in a father’s heart and soul:

I can never forgive myself.

(Endnotes)

1. Ingalhalikar, M., Smith, A., Parker, D., Satterthwaite, T., Elliott, M., Ruparel, K., et al. (2013). “Sex Differences in the Structural Connectome of the Human Brain.” Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences 111(2), 823-828.
2. Niu, A. “Gender & the Brain: Differences Between Women & Men.” www.Fitbrains.com, February 18, 2014.
3. Sweeney, D. (2013). “The Neurobiology of Psychic Trauma and Treatment Considerations.”  Christian Counseling Connection Journal

C H A P T E R E L E V E N

The Restoration of Simon Peter

It is a clear sign of the validity of the Gospel accounts that any political movement or religion would have one of its key foundational leaders presented in such an unflattering light.  Peter as leader of the early Christian Church surely approved, and likely initiated, the public sharing of his denial of the

Christ. 

Just as he publically denied Christ three times, Jesus provided an opportunity for healing and the restoration of Peter’s mission at the Sea of Galilee; the very same shores where he labored in his family business and where Peter was first called by Jesus to become a “fisher of men.” This healing encounter with Jesus was an act of great mercy.  Yet it was also deeply painful for Peter and absolutely essential if he was to once again embrace his authority and mission in the Kingdom of God: 

Jesus asked Peter a third time, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was deeply hurt that Jesus had asked him a third time, “Do you love me?” “Lord, you know all things,” he replied. “You know I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep.” (John 21:17)

We see the fruit of Peter’s restoration by Jesus and his deep humility evident in the Acts of the Apostles as he boldly speaks the truth with compassion to the religious leaders and people gathered for afternoon prayer in the Temple.  Peter, through the power of the Holy Spirit, had just healed a man, lame from birth, in the name of Jesus. 

He addresses the crowd:

You denied the Holy and Righteous One and asked that a murderer be released to you. The author of life you put to death,

but God raised him from the dead; of this we are witnesses.… Now I know, brothers, that you acted out of ignorance, just as your leaders did. (Acts 3:14-15, 17)

Tears of Liberating Repentance 

Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI wrote of the example of Peter, and his words have a special significance for men who have participated in any way in an abortion decision:

The school of faith is not a triumphal march but a journey marked daily by suffering and love, trials and faithfulness.  Peter, who promised absolute fidelity, knew the bitterness and humiliation of denial: the arrogant man learns the costly lesson of humility. Peter, too, must learn that he is weak and in need of forgiveness. Once his attitude changes and he understands the truth…he weeps in…liberating repentance…he is finally ready for his mission.

This is the Good News for all who have participated in the death of an unborn child, but in a special way this speaks to fathers.  Like many men, Peter wanted to be strong and do the right thing, but in a time of fear and weakness he failed.  Peter must face his fears, his denial of the Christ, and his failure to follow through on his vow to give his life for Jesus. 

What a painful humiliation this must have been for him!  But Peter is chastened and humbled by his fall, and after repentance and restoration now understands that he cannot rely on his own strength, but in the power of Jesus.

For those men who were powerless to stop an abortion they could not prevent, and devastated by the unjust destruction of their unborn child, we look to Jesus crucified.  Jesus, experiencing humiliating torture and abuse, looked down from his cross, and proclaimed to those who orchestrated and carried out his crucifixion:

Father forgive them, they don’t know what they are doing.

(Luke 23:34)

Like healing, forgiveness can take time and is closely associated in the case of traumatic abortion with being able to process your rage, grief and pain in an abortion recovery program with the support of others.  This will provide the emotional and spiritual support needed to work through your pain and find peace and healing.  In time God will cultivate forgiveness in your heart toward those who have deeply hurt you.

Listen to Peter once again speaking with the spiritual wisdom forged within the fire of his own painful journey of betrayal and grief:   

Beloved, clothe yourselves with humility in your dealings with one another, for God opposes the proud but bestows favor on the humble.

So humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time.

Cast all your worries upon him because he cares for you.

The God of all grace who called you to his eternal glory through Christ Jesus will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you after you have suffered a little.     (1 Peter 5:5-7, 10)

The Heart of Healing

If you are a man or woman with abortion in your history, you may be able to see God as loving and forgiving of Peter’s betrayal…but not your sin.  Your sin is different and even if God forgives, you can’t forgive yourself.

You are not alone and there is a reason you are hanging on to that unforgiveness; it actually serves a purpose prior to the healing experience.

Throughout this book you have read about complicated grief.  An inability to accept and/or internalize God’s forgiveness, and the struggle with self-forgiveness, are very common symptoms of complicated mourning after abortion.

When you went through that abortion experience the natural need for you to grieve the loss of your child and your parental relationship with your son or daughter was also aborted.  For some men and women, forgiving self and letting go of the burden of self-condemnation feels like letting go of the only real connection with their unborn child or children.  An abortion recovery program can help you put down those rocks of condemnation toward self and others.

Despite our differences, the heart of healing for men and women is the gift to embrace your fatherhood and motherhood that you tried to deny and reject at the time of your child’s (or children’s) conception.  The healing journey will restore your parenthood and your relationship with this unique child of God.

You will learn as you go through an abortion healing program (resources listed at the close of this chapter) that you are not only dealing with the abortion event, but that you are travelling through the Paschal Mystery of your own life journey.¹  You will see how your sin, and the sin and ignorance of others, led you to experience suffering, betrayal, and death in your life and how your sin impacted the lives of others.  It can be very helpful to see your abortion experience in this wider context.

Through God’s mercy, you will discover the grace to open your mind and heart to face the truth of your experience— the emotions, pain, regrets and sorrow.  But as you go through the steps of healing you will also discover, and more importantly experience, a deeper relationship with your crucified and risen Savior, and you will be able to fully internalize his gift of forgiveness and healing.  The Holy Spirit will cleanse your heart of anger and pain, and allow you to accept the generous grace of God. 

Your heart will now be free and open to embrace your unborn child with love, to grieve his or her loss in a healthy way, but with a newfound spiritual bond with your son or daughter that is not bound by time and space.  Words can never properly explain this mystery that thousands of men and women have found in abortion recovery programs.  But let me assure you it is powerful, very real, and very consoling.

The Construction Process of Healing

Keep in mind…this is a process.  Some things may not be clear to you just yet. You may not feel ready to even deal with the abortion in such an intimate and personal way as a father. Don’t let that discourage or overwhelm you.

The healing process is like building a structure.  You have to lay foundations, put up framing, install electrical and plumbing, and over time you have a completed building.  You rely on the supplies, skills and support of others to help bring the project to completion; you can’t do it alone.

It’s the same with the healing journey.  It may be hard to imagine ever getting to the completed building project.  If you patiently keep stepping out in faith and moving forward with each stage of your recovery, God will bless your efforts, and you will find the peace and healing you hunger for. 

The foundational first step is to reach out in humility. 

Think of Peter walking toward Jesus on the stormy Sea of Galilee and his tearful repentance after denying Jesus.  Ask Peter to pray for you and to accompany you as a brother as you reach out for the help you need. 

The Peace of Christ

As the apostles gathered with Peter in the upper room they were shaken and fearful after the brutal arrest, torture and death of their beloved Master.  Jesus suddenly appeared before them:

It was the first day of the week, and that very evening, while the disciples were together with the doors locked for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them. “Peace be with you!” He said to them. After He had said this, He showed them His hands and His side. The disciples rejoiced when they saw the Lord.

Again Jesus said to them, “Peace be with you.” (John 20:19-21)

May these words of Jesus give you courage, peace and strength as you continue on your journey of healing.

Resources for Healing: 

www.Abortionforgiveness.com

This is a resource of the Silent No More Awareness Campaign.  Enter your ZIP code and you will find information on a variety of abortion recovery programs in your area with contact information.

Rachel’s Vineyard Ministries:

Married couples, mothers, fathers, and grandparents have come to Rachel’s Vineyard in search of peace and inner healing.  For more information please visit www.

RachelsVineyard.org or call our national hotline at 1-877-HOPE-4-ME.

Men and Abortion Network

The mission of the Men and Abortion Network and its members is to promote emotional healing for men who have lost a child to abortion, and to create awareness among the counseling community, pro-life movement, and society as a whole regarding the impact on millions of hurting fathers.  You will find an excellent listing of recovery resources for men on their website: www.Menandabortion.net

House of Esau

House of Esau™ is a place where men can confidentially allow their pain to be acknowledged, affirmed and expressed, and their souls to be healed from the tragedy of abortion.  A non-judgmental environment is offered where stories are shared and wounds are presented to Jesus for healing. During a weekend retreat we create an environment for sharing our stories and presenting our wounds to the Lord Jesus Christ for healing.  House of Esau™ can help men heal from their “father wound” and the resulting sexual brokenness and pain-managing lifestyle. In this environment, men can heal from the loss of emotional intimacy with their own fathers and reconnect with the intimacy that their heavenly Father wants to provide. www.silverlion.org/node/6

SaveOne:

SaveOne is a life-saving and life-changing ministry. We are dedicated to helping men and women recover after abortion, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally through the healing power of Jesus Christ.

www.saveone.org/abortion-recovery.php

Phone: (615) 347-8800

Email: info@saveone.org

Project Joseph:

Project Joseph is a life-changing opportunity for men who struggle with the emotional and spiritual pain of abortion. This one-day retreat is a unique and effective process designed specifically to help men experience the mercy and compassion of God. www.projectjosephdallas.org

469-416-2101

healing@projectjosephdallas.org

(Endnotes)

1    The Paschal Mystery refers to the passion, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ—the work God the Father sent his Son to accomplish on earth.

A C K N O W L E D G E M E N T S

This book would not be possible without the support of Fr. Frank Pavone and Priests for Life.  A special thanks to my colleagues and brothers in Christ David Williams and Rev. Scott Miller, D.Min. for their invaluable contribution to “Tears of the Fisherman” and John Krystofik for his support, encouragement and assistance with editing.  I am deeply grateful for the fathers who have generously contributed to this book.

Books by Kevin Burke

“Redeeming a Father’s Heart: Men Share Powerful Stories of Abortion Loss and Recovery” and “Sharing the Heart of Christ: Safe and Effective Post Abortion Ministry for Clergy and Counselors” co-authored with Theresa Burke and Fr.

Frank Pavone.

KEVIN BURKE is a licensed social worker, co-founder of Rachel’s Vineyard Ministries and a pastoral associate of Priests for Life. He is a graduate of the Bryn Mawr Graduate School of Social Work. Kevin’s presentations address the effects of abortion on men, couples and families and effective post-abortion ministry for clergy and counselors. 

The Rachel’s Vineyard support group and retreat models are now offered in 49 states. The international outreach of Rachel’s Vineyard is now in over 70 countries. The retreat manual has been translated into 22 languages with other translations in progress. We offer over 1,000 retreats annually worldwide.

Kevin has contributed and authored articles on the trauma and recovery after abortion. He has been a guest on EWTN’s “At Home With Jim and Joy” and the “Gospel of Life” on Sky Angel Network. He is a regular guest on national radio shows.

Kevin formerly served as the administrator of Mother’s Home, a crisis pregnancy residence that provides housing, computer job training and programs for women and their children. Kevin also worked as a clinical social work supervisor for Catholic Social Services in Philadelphia.