I paid someone to do this. Just because murder is easy does not mean it should be easily accessible or dismissed.
It shames me anytime I talk about it. It’s not all about the baby I gave up on before it had a chance but more about the fact that I gave up on myself and took the “easy” way out. I was too scared about the consequences and I didn’t want to deal with it.
We were so excited about our baby, but my mother felt different.
After 46 years it is a still a vivid memory, lying on a cold table in a heartless room. A room where my child died as well as my inner self. My son Matthew was vacuumed from my womb and like a freshly cleaned carpet; the footsteps of my sin were erased.
Finally, one day by the grace of God I experienced a flashback of my abortion and went right back to the table where my baby was killed. It was at that point that I was finally able to begin to put the pieces of my life together.
I am also angry at how many people 'normalized' the experience. They said, it's okay, you'll get past it just like you do any bad event in life. Well, maybe some do, but I never did and carry a lot of guilt and anger.
When the doctor took me into the procedure room, she asked me if I would like to see the ultrasound before we started. I will always remember that moment and regret it. I think that was the first-time reality really struck me and I came face to face with the fact that this was a real baby inside of me, and MY real baby. I remember thinking to myself that if I looked at that ultrasound, I would regret it for the rest of my life, if I saw it, it would be forever etched in my mind. So, I said no. To this day, I regret that immensely, because I realize now that if I had looked at that ultrasound, I may not have gone through with it.
Elaine and Melody’s testimonies
I was listening to my daughter’s heartbeat and my tears were sadness for my first child because at that point I understood my feelings on the table of the abortion clinic. I had felt so scared and afterwards I felt so lost and alone.
For any of you who have been pregnant, had a wife, or known someone who was pregnant, you know that your emotions are a lot different than they are normally. Your analytical skills aren’t what they should be, or at least mine weren’t. I went from a skilled analytical, decision maker, and leader to wanting someone else to make the decision. Completely out of my character - a basket case.
As the father of the aborted baby, I was not in the room where the abortion was performed, but I did go to the clinic with both women and both were devastated after having the abortion. I gave them obligatory support, but really did not connect with their pain
I’d also like to say please don’t let anyone else persuade you. It is your body, as pro-choice people often state, but they forget that for a lot of women abortion is just another form of women’s choices being taken, abused or manipulated by family members, friends or partners.
I knew immediately after the procedure was started that I had made a mistake. I could feel them pulling the life out of me, suctioning it out, and I screamed for them to stop. Please stop what you’re doing! But it was too late, as the nurses told me. It was over, it was done.
My fifth time I was on the table and God told me to walk out. I did as He said. I was homeless with a four-year old son. I found Harvest Home in Venice, CA and lived there until she was born. She is now a beautiful 21-year old who I believe saved my life.
The next day, at home alone with my infant son, I took the abortion pills. Within one hour I knew that everything the doctor had told me was a lie. I was bleeding so heavily, I believed I was dying. I was passing clots the size of baseballs, and I was in the worst physical pain of my life, worse than childbirth.
I felt relief finally being able to confess it, but the pain is still there. It will always be there and not knowing where my children's souls are and never being able to hold them or see them is emotionally devastating.
If I'd only known how I'd feel afterwards, longing for my lost baby. I now want to tell others considering abortion, "Don't do it!" If I had someone telling me, "God has a plan for this child, give her/him a chance!" I would not have done it. It's as simple as that!
If I'd only known how I'd feel afterwards, longing for my lost baby. I now want to tell others considering abortion, "Don't do it!" If I had someone telling me, "God has a plan for this child, give her/him a chance!" I would not have done it. It's as simple as that!
I was devastated that I had taken my own child’s life! I went through many years of pain and suffering and hating myself.
I came out of that darkness a completely new person. I thank God for never leaving my side, for forgiveness, never ending grace, and the gift of knowledge that I have a son in heaven. His name is Jared.
Until the day the memories and the pain surfaced and demanded attention. After sharing this pain and regret with trusted friends.
I wasted so many years of my life burdened by shame and regret that I would never want another person to feel and that is why I’m Silent No More
The Lord healed me through sharing with others, after 25 years of silence, and the healing I see others begin, through my testimony, is why I am Silent No More.
This is not a blob of tissue and the repercussions never end. This is a big business that only sees you as a commodity and has lied to you through so many channels that you now believe the lie. Had I had an ultrasound the week before my procedure there would have been another life on this planet, and one less small torn body in a plastic container somewhere in a back room.