My son was gone. I didn't know where he was. It tormented me. I started to have anxiety, bad dreams, and feared that I'd never be able to be loved by God. I blamed myself, as though I could have stood up to my mom or left the hospital. It was done when that doctor injected my baby stopping his heart. I sought God for years becoming born again at age 31.
I don't want to be silent anymore because even after 16 years it hurts and I am constantly thinking of it. I want to heal, not forget! I want to remember my baby and not make it "okay" that it happened.
Now seeing the blessings of our children and God’s grace in blessing us, there’s no way I could ever do that again! I want to help others in knowing there are alternatives, there is help, This industry exploits women at their most desperate moments. This is why I will be silent no more. I don’t want girls and women to endure this abuse from their partners or the abortion industry.
During the abortions I had a mix of emotions of pity for the other women and girls who were there and at the same time judgement. I wonder if any of them felt the same way towards me.
I proceeded to get my pills and prescriptions and went home to “do the deed” I cried so much I felt so bad inside and couldn’t explain why. I took the pills anyway. Scared and feeling “too old to be a mother to yet another kid” I cried myself to sleep for days.
I cried in private. Everyone acted like abortion was normal, so I hid my true feelings. I rubbed my womb and talked to the little thing growing in me and apologized countless times beforehand.
I remember trying to get off the table, and being held down, I was saying how badly it hurts, and crying out several time and them telling me to be quiet.. Afterwards I was completely empty, void of feeling or emotion... not numb, void. I left my boyfriend shortly after.
I felt numb, I had to go to the abortion clinic by myself and I will never forget how scared I was and the pain I felt that day.
The experience is difficult to describe, it causes me anxiety and sadness 45 years later. The experience to this day causes me sadness, crying, and depression and rumination. Sometimes I have to leave a room when a speaker talks about abortion.
Hope and healing from my 2 abortions took several years. The silence and putting it out of my mind swept up in waves of emotions I didn't understand. I'm so thankful that the truth is being brought into the light. I know that I know, I will see my children in Heaven! That God loves me, and that I am forgiven!
I was numb throughout the experience and the sequel continued. Casually dating, having unprotected sex, and getting pregnant and having an abortion. All my friends where doing it, and I didn’t think it was a problem.
I have known for a long time that God has forgiven me, but now I know my children have, too, which has allowed me to forgive myself.