How Badly It Hurt

        My name is Barbara from New Jersey. 

I was 32 when I had my abortion. I had three daughters ages 12, 10, and 7 and had been married 13 years.  My husband and I were going through a very excruciating, painful time in which I feared he was seeing another woman. When I told him I was pregnant, he said he did not want another child. I am not sure what I felt when he told me this; fear, confusion, hurt;  I didn't plan on getting pregnant,  maybe it was an unconscious hope that getting pregnant would make him stay with me. I called my ObGyn doctor and begged to have "It" taken care of before the baby fully formed, as if this had not happened already. 

My husband took me to the hospital and left me there.  He had made arrangements to get a piano, which I had always wanted, from my friend's garage. After the procedure was completed I was put in a regular hospital room in the maternity ward. My doctor and I had discussed my having my tubes tied, so I had a full incision across my lower abdomen.  I did not want to ever have children again.

When my doctor came into the room to see me, I remember crying and told him I didn't know why, that I felt empty inside. When I went for my follow up he left an index card telling about what he had done on the corner of his desk, almost intentionally for me to see, and he left the room.  There it was, written in pencil on the corner of the card, “abortion.”  I think it bothered him, and he wanted me to know what I had asked of him. This was in October 1975.

By January of 1976 I was at work at the hospital where I was an LPN, and I called my sister and told her I didn't want to live.  I saw a psychiatrist for six months after this but do not remember ever dealing with the abortion.

In August of 1976 I learned my husband had in fact been seeing another woman. I saw a therapist off and on for several years and went to school because I wanted to learn about how one becomes who they are. 

I got divorced in 1992, and I went to Steubenville, Ohio with a friend to experience a Healing regarding the abortion in 1995.  I named my baby in 2002, but even in January of 2014, when I attended a Life in the Spirit Seminar, the pain was almost as fresh as it was 38 years ago. I do believe God is Merciful and Forgiving, but I could not forgive myself.

I went to a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat in March and shocked myself at how badly it hurt; I realized how important it is to speak about my pain and now I am here to give my testimony. I hope by being Silent No More I will be able to truly reach a state of forgiveness for myself. I love you Liam.

Priests for Life
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