I had an abortion because I felt completely alone and overwhelmed. My previous pregnancy had been extremely difficult due to hyperemesis gravidarum, which caused constant nausea and vomiting and affected my entire family. When I found out I was pregnant again, my husband told me he didn’t think our marriage would survive another pregnancy like the last one. I felt torn between my beliefs, my health, and the fear of losing my marriage. After weeks of silence, pressure, and emotional exhaustion, I chose to have an abortion.
During the abortion experience I felt scared, numb, and deeply conflicted. We drove early in the morning to a clinic out of state. When I went inside, everything felt cold and clinical. I filled out paperwork, paid for the procedure, and sat in a waiting room with several other women.
During the ultrasound, the nurse asked if I wanted to see the screen. I said no, but I ended up seeing my baby moving on the monitor anyway. In that moment, my heart broke. I felt like I had to harden myself emotionally just to get through what was about to happen. I took the first pill in the clinic that ended my baby’s life, trying to appear strong on the outside while falling apart on the inside.
The next day when I took the second medication at home, the physical pain was intense. I began bleeding heavily and experienced severe cramping. I remember crying, screaming, and feeling like my body and heart were breaking at the same time. It was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life.
Immediately after the abortion I felt a mix of emotions. Part of me felt relief that the pregnancy was over and that the pressure and conflict were behind me. But that relief was quickly replaced by overwhelming guilt, grief, and self-hatred. I told people that I had miscarried because I couldn’t face the shame or judgment. I felt like I had done something unforgivable and that I didn’t deserve another chance at life or happiness.
As time went on after the abortion, I felt consumed by shame and self-hatred. I began punishing myself in different ways. I struggled deeply with my mental health, experiencing depression, intrusive thoughts, and overwhelming guilt. I believed I deserved to suffer for what I had done.
I developed severe eating disorder behaviors and began starving myself as a form of punishment. I also became obsessed with changing my body and appearance because I hated the person I believed myself to be. My relationships were strained, my self-worth disappeared, and I often felt like I didn’t deserve to exist. The emotional weight of the abortion followed me everywhere.
I found help and forgiveness through counseling, my faith, and the people who refused to give up on me. Through therapy, treatment for my eating disorder, and the support of my church community, I slowly began to confront my pain instead of punishing myself for it.
I began to understand that healing meant acknowledging the truth of my story while also allowing myself to receive grace. Through prayer, counseling, and deep spiritual work, I began to believe that God’s forgiveness extended even to me. Learning to forgive myself was the hardest part of my journey, but it also became the most freeing.