Grace
I was 25 years old when I had my abortion. I had graduated from college not long before and was getting ready to move out of my parent’s house and into my first place with my friend. I would finally be financially independent. I had been dating my boyfriend at the time for only a few months when I learned I was pregnant. I was completely shocked when I saw the positive pregnancy test. My whole body started to shake. I had always been against abortion and was raised catholic, so it came as a complete surprise that my first reaction was to end the pregnancy. I felt incredible shame that I was in this situation and did not want my family to know. I would just “fix” this so my parents wouldn’t have to be disappointed. I was at my best friend’s house when I took the pregnancy test so she was the first to know.
She called an abortion clinic for me to try and make an appointment. We were told that I needed to be at least 6 weeks pregnant before I could do it. At the time I was considered to be 4 weeks along so ended up making an appointment at 7 weeks. I told my boyfriend later that day and told him I was planning on having an abortion. He agreed with the plan. As I waited for the 3 weeks leading up to the abortion I had a lot of time to think about it, and I became increasingly anxious about the decision I was about to make.
The morning of the abortion my boyfriend and friend took me to the clinic and I remember seeing many protesters out front. I waited in the car a while unsure if I would be able to go in. I finally got the nerve to go in and walked through the protesters and into the clinic. Sitting in the waiting room waiting for my turn to go in I was filled with doubt. I wanted desperately to find a way not to do this. When I got into the procedure room, I explained that I was having second thoughts and asked if they could provide any counseling which they said they could not do . I told them I wasn’t ready and wanted to leave. Before I left, they made sure to reschedule my appointment for the following week.
I had another week to think about it. I was desperate to find a way to keep my baby but financially I knew I couldn’t afford it and didn’t want to be a burden to my family. The night before my appointment I told my mom and sister. I have so much guilt about sharing it with my mom because now she would share in my guilt. I was selfishly hoping she would tell me something that made me know that I could keep my baby. I knew I couldn’t support myself and a baby and didn’t know how much support I would be able to rely on from my boyfriend. I knew it wasn’t fair to burden my family with this. My parents at the time were dealing with a lot with my younger brother and I felt my situation at the time was more than they could handle.
The next day my sister took me to the clinic. The weather was bad that day and it was raining so there were no protesters outside, which made it easier for me to go inside. At this point I was so emotionally exhausted that I felt numb. I just wanted to get it over with. I remember going into the room but not much after. I did receive some sedation, so I don’t remember a lot. I do remember going home after and feeling an overwhelming sense of emptiness or that something was missing. I also felt bad because I did have a sense of relief that a decision had been made. In the next few months, I started a new job and moved in with my friend. I tried to put everything behind me but started to have extreme anxiety and what I now know were panic attacks. I had never felt anything like it, so I didn’t know what was happening to me. I stayed in a relationship with my boyfriend even though I knew it wasn’t a healthy one.
I would drink more to try and calm my anxiety and feel better, but it only made it worse. It was such a dark time in my life, and I prayed to God to help me through this. I eventually started to feel stronger and was able to get out of my unhealthy relationship and I started making better choices for myself. I ended up meeting my husband shortly after and had a beautiful daughter. As happy as I was for all my blessings there was always something in me that believed I didn’t deserve it because of what I had done.
I prayed to God every day for forgiveness. It was 27 years after my abortion that I finally felt the relief of forgiveness. I happened to notice in our church bulletin something about Surrendering the Secret. Seeking healing after abortion. I knew I was meant to see this. It was an 8-week bible study on healing after abortion. I had never been to a bible study and especially not one talking about abortion. I was so nervous to go to my first session. Each week got a little easier and I finally realized that God has already forgiven me and he wanted me to forgive myself. This weight that I had been carrying for the past 27 years has finally been lifted.
I felt so grateful for this gift that I’ve been given. I just want other women who are experiencing the same feelings of guilt and shame to know that you don’t have to live in this pain. Please seek a program like Surrendering the Secret. It was one of the most powerful experiences I‘ve ever had. You will learn by hearing others stories that you are not alone. It was such a supportive and safe environment to tell your truth. Many of us have lived in silence never opening up about what we’ve been through but by sharing our story we can let others know that they are not alone. There is forgiveness and freedom from our past.
My hope in sharing my story is that someone who’s had an abortion can be helped or someone who is trying to make the choice between abortion or life will choose life. If you have your child, I’m quite sure you will never look at your child and regret that you chose to have him/her but if you have an abortion there’s not a day that will go by that you won’t regret the choice that you made. I wish someone had said that to me when I was trying to make my decision. My hope is that by sharing my truth, someone who hears this can make a better decision for themselves and their baby.