When I was 15 years old attending an all girls catholic high school in Lincoln Heights, CA, I found myself in one of the biggest and most life changing events of my life. Although at the time I didn't know what the repercussions would be, I became pregnant with my boyfriend of almost 2 years. At the time when I discovered my pregnancy, the first thing that entered my mind and heart was fear. The fear of having to disappoint my parents, the fear of what people would say that I went to an all-girls catholic school and ended up pregnant out of wedlock and the fear of my life changing completely from what I have always known it to be. I guess the fear of the unknown. When I told my boyfriend at the time, who was also attending an all-boys catholic school, he too was afraid. His first reaction and solution was to have an abortion. One of the things with growing up catholic is that we have always been taught that abortion was a mortal sin, and I would always say that I would NEVER even consider that, until of course I was presented with my pregnancy. At that moment of realization that I was caught up in this situation, the fear of the unknown took over everything I had ever stood for, even my catholic faith. Regretfully, both my boyfriend and I made the decision to have an abortion.
Looking back now, I realized that the Lord sent me multiple signs to try and make me react and not go through with it. However, once again, over and over, my fear and the enemy robbed me of my faith and kept me in the darkness. All I kept repeating in my mind was I need to resolve this problem. After that dreadful day, I decided to try and put it behind me and move on, as if it never happened. Little did I know that it would torment me for the next 24 years of my life.
I always had so much anger, resentment and bitterness after the abortion. I lived with the guilt that I was unworthy of God's love because I killed my own baby. My senior year in high school about a year after the abortion, I went to my Kairos retreat. We were given personal time of reflection to go out and be with God wherever we felt comfortable. Although, I had no idea what that meant, I went outside and sat by a big tree where I just sat down and began to talk to God. In almost an instant, as I looked all around me, it was as though time stood still at that moment, there was complete silence and serenity all around me. I felt this overwhelming feeling of peace and comfort. I realized at that moment that this was the first time I truly felt the mystical presence of God. I broke down crying and began to ask him for forgiveness and that I knew I was not worthy of his love for betraying Him, but if he could find it in His heart to forgive me, I would be so grateful. He gave me a glimpse of his mercy at the time, and I felt as though I dealt with my wounds that tormented me at that moment. However, it was just the beginning of a long journey of healing.
It would be on Saturday 2/25/18, when I was 39 years old that I would begin my journey of healing and finally break the chains and strongholds from my 1993 abortion. I went to a Woman's retreat in Madera CA with a couple of my girlfriends. That was the first time in over 23 years that I would openly share my story with my closest faith-filled friends. Prior to that day, I never shared my story with anyone, but one of my best friends and my husband. I felt compelled to share my story because I came across a beautiful and merciful article on Facebook about a woman who suffered the same fate I did at an earlier age of her life and lived with the daily regrets of her abortion until she died of a brain tumor. Her husband wrote an article about her regret all those years. He was dedicating and donating a sculpture he purchased for her to their parish, Holy Spirit Church in Fresno, that just so happened was going to be blessed on that same weekend of my women’s retreat, that Sunday.
The sculpture was named: Memorial for Unborn Children and it is the masterpiece of Slovakian sculptor Martin Hudacek. Again, no coincidence, God knew exactly what he was doing. The week prior to my women’s retreat, I read the story of Mark’s wife, I broke down in tears and knew the Lord was speaking to me through this woman’s story and the image of the sculpture was so powerful and impactful it literally pierced through my heart and brought me to my knees. You can find her story here: https://www.ncregister.com/blog/post-abortion-sculpture-dedicated-to-bring-a-message-of-mercy
After reading the article, like Susan, the Lord spoke to my heart and made me aware that my first child who I aborted would’ve been a girl. I always knew that in my heart though, he revealed that to me shortly after I aborted, but I never realized it until this day. I decided I needed to name my unborn daughter. I prayed about it and the next day I would go to the Women’s retreat. While I was at the retreat, I recall sitting at the table and while listening to one of the speaker’s stories, I asked God, what shall my daughter’s name be? When I looked up to face the speaker, an image behind her suddenly made itself fully present to my eyes. It was a beautiful poster of Our Lady of Fatima. When I fixed my eyes on the poster, the only thing that literally was apparent before my eyes was the name “Fatima”. At that instant, I knew that was my daughter’s name. I wrote it down in my notebook and after the retreat I shared that moment and experience with my girlfriends. We all cried and made a decision to be a part of the blessing of the sculpture the following day at Holy Spirit Church in Fresno.
The next day came and the night before I explained to my husband that I needed to attend this blessing of the sculpture and mass at Holy Spirit because God was calling me there. He understood and I would arrive there with two of my girlfriends, who graciously joined me. After the beautiful mass, we all went out to the side of the church for the blessing, as I stood there in complete awe of this miraculous sculpture that brought so much peace and emotion to my soul, tears just ran down my face. There were news cameras present from different local agencies. After the blessing took place, I approached Mark Mckeon, who wrote the article about his wife, Susan. I gave him a big hug of gratitude and told him how much his wife’s story healed and changed my life so profoundly and I thanked him, as tears continued to flow down my face. He cried and hugged me and also said, thank you.
I was about to head home, when suddenly a young woman approached me and asked if she could ask me some questions, as to why I was present for the blessing and share if the sculpture had any significance to me and why. Still in a tearful and emotional state, but with peace in my heart, I agreed. I had no idea who she was and she began to ask me questions in Spanish. I began to share my story and why the sculpture touched my heart so deeply. After the interview, I would discover that this young lady was a news reporter for our local Spanish news station, Univision. The reporter’s name was Libertad, which in English means: Freedom! Again, what a sense of humor God has to send me a reporter with a name that carries the exact feeling I had in my heart of “Freedom” from the darkness of my Abortion.
I’m not going to lie, but when she stated who she was, my reaction was to panic just for a minute. I thought to myself, wait, you mean this is going to air on TV? She stated that it would air that evening and to let her know if that would be a problem. At that moment my only problem was that I had not shared my story with my family (Mom, kids, etc). I wanted to personally share my story with them and not have them see or hear it for the first time on TV or from people who would see the segment. Once again, God’s sense of humor right, not only was he going to free me of my past sins, but he was going to do it in a big way. I could hear him telling me, “Vanessa go big or go home”. That’s exactly what I said to my friends. So I said, OK God, if this is what you want, let’s do it. I told myself, I have 4 hours before it airs to speak to my family, so let the clock start ticking to prepare for my story to be aired publicly.
The hardest part was speaking with my Mom. That young, scared teenage girl, who was so afraid to disappoint her 25 years ago, was suddenly back. As I spoke to her over the phone because she lives 4 hours away from me, I was so nervous. However, once I told her the truth, it was like a big weight lifted from my chest. To hear her say that she loves me no matter what and that she was so sorry that I had to go through all of that pain alone were the words that helped heal my heart even more profoundly.
The story aired that evening and I was so nervous thinking, what will some people from my church think of me knowing that I was a sinner and a grave one? Most of our church community is predominantly Hispanic, so I knew some of them would see it. Right after my story aired, I received a message from one of my friends from our parish who surely saw the segment. She gave me nothing, but her support and comforting words of compassion and empathy. Once again, proof of God’s amazing mercy and affirmation of his unconditional love. As with everything else, I received so much compassion, but also criticism from those who had a different opinion about my actions, which I expected.
However, when God personally reveals and leads you to healing your wounds, nothing or no one else’s opinions about you matters. I was not angry or hurt with the negative comments because my faith and gratitude with God in that moment was far greater than the shame, I held onto for so many years. It is only God’s choice to grant us his mercy & love and he truly showed me without any doubt that he granted me forgiveness, mercy & healing because he always knew my heart.
Seven months later, September 5, 2018, I was in my living room listening to my praise and worship music (Side note: when I decided to write my testimony, I realized the day that I wrote the song was the exact month that I had my abortion 25 years ago, no coincidences, all God). The Lord once again spoke to me and I heard him say, “Vanessa you need to write a song about your journey and how I healed you from your Abortion”. I thought to myself, God….really? I’m not a song writer, I don’t even know how to write songs, what do you mean? So there I go, I googled how to write a song and lyrics. I said, OK God, here goes nothing and I began to write and write. After I finished writing the song and after making multiple corrections, I finally felt it said everything I had in my heart & soul. I had it saved on my computer not knowing why He wanted me to do that in the first place, but it’s been there ever since. I don’t know what God wants me to do with it just yet, but I continue to pray about it and hope that one day, God will reveal its purpose at the right moment. He will lead the way, as He has all this time in my journey.
This is the first time that I share my entire testimony publicly. I wrote this testimony 3 years ago and I knew that God would reveal to me when I would need to share it. God’s timing is always perfect. After God healed my heart and broke the chains that kept me away from his love, I made a promise to him that I would ALWAYS defend LIFE at all costs. Today, I am an unapologetically PRO-LIFE advocate & supporter. I will go to rallies, attend pro-life talks and meetings, pray the rosary in front of planned parenthood, publicly share my stance on social media and advocate against abortion. We are all sinners, and we are all called to repentance. In the end, what matters most is what you do with that repentance and how you will continue to serve the Lord for his greater glory. I continue to hope and pray that my testimony will help other women who have either been in my shoes and are seeking complete healing or are contemplating the decision to choose life. God is all loving and merciful and he wants us to surrender our hurts, doubts, and wounds to him so he can heal us and lead us to complete redemption.
Thank you and God bless every one of you! May God’s grace and forgiveness shine upon you, as you continue your spiritual journey to RESTORE your personal relationship with Christ.