After I started college and found myself with a bright future ahead of me I
realized what a jerk my boyfriend was and broke up with him. I was so glad that
I had come to my senses before any permanent damage was done. Then I found out I
was pregnant. I was taken to an office and the woman simply said, "The test was
positive." I felt, my heart fall as I saw my future changed. Then she asked
"Does that make you happy?" I whispered "No." At that she pulled a card from her
desk with the name and number of the abortion clinic… When I said I had no way
of paying the money, she got me a federal grant.
Of course, no one at the abortion clinic offered any help either. I was in a
counseling group of 6 or 7 girls. Several of these had had abortions before. Of
course this made me think I wasn't so bad or unusual. But, as much as I tried
not to think about the abortion, the human part of me could never forget.
Initially I guess I was just numb. I made a very deliberate decision not to
think about what I had done.
Immediately after the abortion, I felt like a 'slut', and started to make it
a self-fulfilling prophecy. I felt dirty and worthless and became promiscuous
because of my low self-esteem. I tried to bury myself in alcohol and drugs but
they only made things worse. I then buried myself in my college work and later
in my career
Every year on October 9, what should have been my baby's birthday, I would
get very depressed. I named my baby Dana, have always imagined her to be a girl.
Of course, I stopped going to church after the abortion. How could I face God?
I should mention here that during this time I was raped by a serial rapist.
It may be difficult to understand but the violence of the rape made much less of
an impact on me than the abortion. The rape victim is innocent and she has a
person to focus her anger on. Society understands her pain instead of trying to
convince her that all is well.
I reached the point where I no longer believed in love.
In confession the priest told me that I was responsible for the ten
commandments. He read each commandment and then asked specific questions about
each one. By the time he got to "Thou shalt not kill" I was a wreck. He asked if
I had ever had an abortion. I whispered, "yes". He took my hand and said that he
had suspected it because of my emotional state. He talked about God's
forgiveness as I cried. When he absolved me, I felt a tremendous weight lifted.
I don't claim that I'm completely over the effects of the abortion. I will
probably never be. I know I will never forget. But my relationship with God
grows better every day. It was only through the grace of God that I could ever
deal with the abortion. It's only with God's help that any woman has hope of
recovery. I believe that every woman who has had an abortion suffers from
post-abortion syndrome. It affects everyone differently. I tried to run from
what I had done. Some women try to justify their actions through "pro-choice"
rhetoric and activism, but all these women will someday have to look themselves
in the mirror and say (as I did), "I killed my baby!"
