I regret my forced abortion at the hands of my abuser. Even in cases of incest, if not more so, abortion devastated the core of my being and was not an answer but a silencing of an even bigger problem.
So, I decided to get an abortion even while knowing it was wrong. I did not tell anybody that I was pregnant but I wish I did. If only I had told my mother or my sister maybe I’d have changed my mind. For over 5 years I was living with guilt and shame. I was in so much pain and felt so much shame and guilt I couldn’t even talk about it.
I realized the full magnitude of my “choice” in 1999 when I miscarried. It took years to unwind my long-held beliefs and the trauma of that abortion. Admitting who I am and what I’m capable of justifying was a painful process; at times I felt I was being flayed. I know God was with me every moment during these 35 years.
Immediately after the abortion, I felt regret. I knew I had done a terrible thing. I really struggled with life after that, I failed classes and became withdrawn. It took me 9 years to finally complete my undergraduate degree. I was terribly depressed and lost.
In 1998, I was faced with an unplanned pregnancy. I was young and afraid. The father of this baby wanted no part of it and my mom was adamant that this baby would ruin my life. So, without any support, and my own fears, abortion seemed like my only choice. Early one morning my mom took me to Planned Parenthood (the only abortion facility left in MO).
As they were doing the abortion procedure it was very painful. They lied about everything. Immediately after the abortion I felt sad and regretful. I just wanted to leave right away but was not allowed to. As a result of this abortion, I became promiscuous and turned to alcohol. After about a year, the relationship with that boyfriend ended. I did tell a friend I worked with about it but no one else.
I'll never forget how it felt - the tugging, the pulling. Afterwards, I was forced to bury the memory. Society demanded me to ignore that I ever had a child and live quietly with the shame to protect their allegiance to the illusion of a woman’s right to choose.
I’ll never forget the day of the abortion and I found myself laying on the bed and praying to God, God if you love me would you help me get up from this table and walk out!! I never got up, I was frozen and what happened next would send me into the most painful experience I have ever had.
I had an abortion because I felt pressured by the father of the baby. We were in a committed relationship and while the pregnancy was unplanned, I was very much looking forward to becoming a mother when I found out I was pregnant. Unfortunately, he was not and when I told him I was pregnant he immediately told me he wasn't ready to be a father.
There I was back in the room, put the gown on, and up on the table I went. Same doctor, different nurse, and bright lights. They gave me another numbing shot, and the "machine" went on. I closed my eyes. "My life was going to be back to normal," I thought. The procedure took a few minutes, and I was done.
A sign of love is to give the baby up for adoption if you feel that you are not ready, it is better to carry the satisfaction of having given life to a defenseless being than to carry the guilt and shame for life. It is painful.
I had an abortion because I was extremely vulnerable, and I was very fearful of what to do and what would happen to me in this experience of being pregnant. I was so scared, my parents told me I couldn't come home, and I was about to be evicted from my apartment I didn't have a job, my brother paid for the abortion.