A Mistake I am Still Paying For
I am a victim of abortion that took place when I had just turned 30 years old. I
had known the father of my baby since grade school. My mother said that she
couldn't handle a child at this time, either.
My doctor ordered an ultrasound because he thought that I might have an ectopic
pregnancy. The ultrasound proved that the baby was fine and I even saw the heart
beat, but I had the abortion because I had no support and was not educated about
the alternatives to abortion or what an abortion "really" was. My friends,
family and the baby's father told me it was the "right thing to do". My doctor
said, "If you want to play, you have to pay."
My doctor (a private physician who is now retired) made the appointment for me.
The baby's father gave me $500 and said he couldn't go because he had to work.
My mother gave me a ride to the center and waited for me (our relationship was
very strained after this and never was the same again, I blamed her for not
supporting me to have my child). I never had any counseling as to what I would
be experiencing only that the suction would take out the "blob of tissue" (I was
8 weeks pregnant). I felt very cold and alone. In fact when I was with the
anesthesiologist I mentioned to him that I was having second thoughts to which
he replied, "You made your decision, you're a big girl, it's too late to back
out now." He made me feel like I would be wrong if I walked out that door but,
in retrospect I now see that he just wanted the money, he did not care about my
well being or my unborn child's. I felt like a piece of meat in an
uncompassionate, cold, clinical, setting. But, I went through with it. IT WAS
THE WORST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE AND ONE THAT I AM STILL PAYING FOR AND PROBABLY
WILL FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!
No one told me of the psychological
scars that it would leave or what an "abortion" actually was. I turned to
alcohol to forget and to ease the pain (I had been a gymnast and had been very
health conscious before the abortion). I felt guilty, lost respect for my self,
had low self esteem, contemplated suicide and just did not care about life
anymore. I did things totally deviant from my character and only now
realize why. I couldn't be around babies or young children because every time I
saw one I would think "what would my baby have been like, would it have been a
boy or a girl, and it would be have been 1, 2, 3 etc. years old now." I had been
a biology major in college and had always wanted to be a nurse, so two years
later I went back to nursing school. My baby's father and I never had the same
relationship, but we tried to work it out. We would split up for a month or two
and then get back together again. Now, I see that I hated him for what he put me
through and I had lost all respect for him as a man, but I couldn't see it at
I didn't think I could get pregnant again. But, I did get pregnant when I was 35
-- it was like a miracle come true - I was totally elated! When I told him, he
wanted me to have an abortion again, so did my family and friends because I was
an unwed mother and they felt that he would leave me. Needless to say, this
infuriated me and my eyes were finally opened to the "truths". I told everyone,
including him that I was going to have my child and I didn't care if none of
them ever spoke to me again or deserted me. My family and fiends came around
after a few months. But, the father didn't want anything to do with me (he was
seeing someone else when I got pregnant, which I knew nothing about).
One morning on my way to work I saw an advertisement for "Birthright" on back of
a bus in front of me. I called them and explained my situation. I met with a
Birthright volunteer, and a psychiatrist. I had made my decision to have my
child and we discussed all of the things that I would need help with. My medical
insurance took care of all my medical needs so what I really needed was some
emotional support and legal advice. I had spoken to my baby's father and asked
him to help me through the pregnancy which he wouldn't so, I decided to opt for
a "paternity suit" against him. This man had no right to try to do this to me
again, and he should accept responsibility for what he had done. I had to work a
part-time job 4 nights a week because I lived on my own and I needed maternity
I began bleeding when I was 3 months pregnant. I had an emergency ultrasound and
I thought for sure that I was going to lose my baby. But, I had been carrying
twins and I did lose one child. I had problems with the bleeding throughout my
pregnancy and had numerous ultrasounds. But, I kept praying that I would have a
normal, healthy, child. I had a beautiful baby girl on New Year's day. 1 was
home alone when I went into labor and had to be taken by ambulance to the
hospital where I had my daughter, is a healthy, happy, bright little girl.
Friends gave 3 baby showers for me and I didn't have to buy anything (except a
few toys) for my daughter until she was six months old! My brothers were
wonderful, they painted and wall papered her nursery and bought the crib,
mattress bumpers, blankets, quilts, etc. But, I had to move in with my mother
because I had no financial help from my baby's father but, I was working on that
with my attorney.
I am an active volunteer for Birthright and I give talks an my experiences to
colleges, high schools, church groups and have become very active in the pro-
life movement. I have been studying the "truths" on abortion and it hurts so
much sometimes that I have to stop watching a film or reading an article when it
brings out exactly what I did to my baby -- dismembered it (which I read on my
medical chart as "a grotesquely deformed fetus") and I still cry and have
sleepless nights. I have spent hours in legislative buildings stating my
testimony to have laws controlling abortion passed - it is a start and I have
written to 30 state senators and representatives with my testimony. I also do
counseling for Birthright
I was a victim of a the social injustice, "abortion" and the verbal gymnastics
that pro-abortionists use to cover-up the "truths" of abortion. What I did years
ago was morally wrong and abortion is not a natural act. It's natural for a
woman to have her child, not to kill it and conception (the majority of the
time) is a natural act. Also, it has become more socially acceptable to have an
abortion (and kill your child) than to have your child and be an "unwed mother".
The stigmatism is still there somewhat, but I believe that this is due to
ignorance, people being uneducated about abortion.
My abortion almost destroyed my life and it did destroy some close
relationships. Some of my close friends never spoke to me again because I was an
"unwed mother" but, I see now that they were not really friends. My Mom and I
have a better relationship because of my daughter, but she has never forgiven
herself for putting me through the abortion and seeing all the pain and hurt
that I experienced.
I have no relationship with my daughter's dad, not even as a friend -- and he
has never asked to see her. I was just lucky that I could turn all the hurt and
negativity into something positive, bringing out the "truths" of abortion,
helping in the pro-life movement, educating people on the "truths" of abortion
and to help in anyway that I can to discourage a woman from making the mistake I
made and to prevent her from going through what I went through. I fought for my
daughter's life and I am still fighting for her wants and needs and for her to
have a normal life.
I spend quality time with my daughter. We are very close and when she gives me a
hug, smiles or says "mama" she reinforces the fact that I made the "right"
decision no matter what obstacles I had to overcome or still have to overcome.
Many people tell me that they don't know how I did what I did -- well, the love
I had for my unborn child was all that I needed and God saw that every one of my
needs was met. I only wish I had had the knowledge to do this years ago.