A Mistake I am Still Paying For

I am a victim of abortion that took place when I had just turned 30 years old. I had known the father of my baby since grade school. My mother said that she couldn't handle a child at this time, either.

My doctor ordered an ultrasound because he thought that I might have an ectopic pregnancy. The ultrasound proved that the baby was fine and I even saw the heart beat, but I had the abortion because I had no support and was not educated about the alternatives to abortion or what an abortion "really" was. My friends, family and the baby's father told me it was the "right thing to do". My doctor said, "If you want to play, you have to pay."

My doctor (a private physician who is now retired) made the appointment for me. The baby's father gave me $500 and said he couldn't go because he had to work. My mother gave me a ride to the center and waited for me (our relationship was very strained after this and never was the same again, I blamed her for not supporting me to have my child). I never had any counseling as to what I would be experiencing only that the suction would take out the "blob of tissue" (I was 8 weeks pregnant). I felt very cold and alone. In fact when I was with the anesthesiologist I mentioned to him that I was having second thoughts to which he replied, "You made your decision, you're a big girl, it's too late to back out now." He made me feel like I would be wrong if I walked out that door but, in retrospect I now see that he just wanted the money, he did not care about my well being or my unborn child's. I felt like a piece of meat in an uncompassionate, cold, clinical, setting. But, I went through with it. IT WAS THE WORST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE AND ONE THAT I AM STILL PAYING FOR AND PROBABLY WILL FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!

No one told me of the psychological scars that it would leave or what an "abortion" actually was. I turned to alcohol to forget and to ease the pain (I had been a gymnast and had been very health conscious before the abortion). I felt guilty, lost respect for my self, had low self esteem, contemplated suicide and just did not care about life anymore. I did things totally deviant from my character and only now realize why. I couldn't be around babies or young children because every time I saw one I would think "what would my baby have been like, would it have been a boy or a girl, and it would be have been 1, 2, 3 etc. years old now." I had been a biology major in college and had always wanted to be a nurse, so two years later I went back to nursing school. My baby's father and I never had the same relationship, but we tried to work it out. We would split up for a month or two and then get back together again. Now, I see that I hated him for what he put me through and I had lost all respect for him as a man, but I couldn't see it at the time.

I didn't think I could get pregnant again. But, I did get pregnant when I was 35 -- it was like a miracle come true - I was totally elated! When I told him, he wanted me to have an abortion again, so did my family and friends because I was an unwed mother and they felt that he would leave me. Needless to say, this infuriated me and my eyes were finally opened to the "truths". I told everyone, including him that I was going to have my child and I didn't care if none of them ever spoke to me again or deserted me. My family and fiends came around after a few months. But, the father didn't want anything to do with me (he was seeing someone else when I got pregnant, which I knew nothing about).

One morning on my way to work I saw an advertisement for "Birthright" on back of a bus in front of me. I called them and explained my situation. I met with a Birthright volunteer, and a psychiatrist. I had made my decision to have my child and we discussed all of the things that I would need help with. My medical insurance took care of all my medical needs so what I really needed was some emotional support and legal advice. I had spoken to my baby's father and asked him to help me through the pregnancy which he wouldn't so, I decided to opt for a "paternity suit" against him. This man had no right to try to do this to me again, and he should accept responsibility for what he had done. I had to work a part-time job 4 nights a week because I lived on my own and I needed maternity clothes, etc.

I began bleeding when I was 3 months pregnant. I had an emergency ultrasound and I thought for sure that I was going to lose my baby. But, I had been carrying twins and I did lose one child. I had problems with the bleeding throughout my pregnancy and had numerous ultrasounds. But, I kept praying that I would have a normal, healthy, child. I had a beautiful baby girl on New Year's day. 1 was home alone when I went into labor and had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital where I had my daughter, is a healthy, happy, bright little girl. Friends gave 3 baby showers for me and I didn't have to buy anything (except a few toys) for my daughter until she was six months old! My brothers were wonderful, they painted and wall papered her nursery and bought the crib, mattress bumpers, blankets, quilts, etc. But, I had to move in with my mother because I had no financial help from my baby's father but, I was working on that with my attorney.

I am an active volunteer for Birthright and I give talks an my experiences to colleges, high schools, church groups and have become very active in the pro- life movement. I have been studying the "truths" on abortion and it hurts so much sometimes that I have to stop watching a film or reading an article when it brings out exactly what I did to my baby -- dismembered it (which I read on my medical chart as "a grotesquely deformed fetus") and I still cry and have sleepless nights. I have spent hours in legislative buildings stating my testimony to have laws controlling abortion passed - it is a start and I have written to 30 state senators and representatives with my testimony. I also do counseling for Birthright

I was a victim of a the social injustice, "abortion" and the verbal gymnastics that pro-abortionists use to cover-up the "truths" of abortion. What I did years ago was morally wrong and abortion is not a natural act. It's natural for a woman to have her child, not to kill it and conception (the majority of the time) is a natural act. Also, it has become more socially acceptable to have an abortion (and kill your child) than to have your child and be an "unwed mother". The stigmatism is still there somewhat, but I believe that this is due to ignorance, people being uneducated about abortion.

My abortion almost destroyed my life and it did destroy some close relationships. Some of my close friends never spoke to me again because I was an "unwed mother" but, I see now that they were not really friends. My Mom and I have a better relationship because of my daughter, but she has never forgiven herself for putting me through the abortion and seeing all the pain and hurt that I experienced.

I have no relationship with my daughter's dad, not even as a friend -- and he has never asked to see her. I was just lucky that I could turn all the hurt and negativity into something positive, bringing out the "truths" of abortion, helping in the pro-life movement, educating people on the "truths" of abortion and to help in anyway that I can to discourage a woman from making the mistake I made and to prevent her from going through what I went through. I fought for my daughter's life and I am still fighting for her wants and needs and for her to have a normal life.

I spend quality time with my daughter. We are very close and when she gives me a hug, smiles or says "mama" she reinforces the fact that I made the "right" decision no matter what obstacles I had to overcome or still have to overcome. Many people tell me that they don't know how I did what I did -- well, the love I had for my unborn child was all that I needed and God saw that every one of my needs was met. I only wish I had had the knowledge to do this years ago.