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No Babies in the Bars...

I had 2 abortions, one in 1963 and one in 1965. The first one was with my high school boyfriend who I wanted to marry and did marry after graduating from college. The second one was by a football jock from Iowa state University ... first date (prophylactic broke!).

I had 2 illegal abortions by the same bone surgeon. The first one was in his office, after office hours. I was given a slight sedative, but was able to remember everything. I'll always remember the sound of the placenta falling into the bucket ... the door of a jail cell slamming shut. The second one was in the hospital and called a D & C. I'm not sure, but I think I was further along on the second one. I was sedated and don't recall the actual abortion.

I didn't tell anyone or get any counsel except from my first boyfriend on the first abortion. I was a shameful "secret". Ten years later I found out I could not have children because of scar tissue in my fallopian tubes. I was already acting out a great deal of anger through promiscuity, but really went into a self destructive phase when I realized I couldn't have children. I decided if there was a God, He must be punishing me for what I had destroyed, and I was a freak. I didn't hold babies for 20 years, became an alcoholic (no babies in the bars), a career woman, and obsessed with sex (my way of acting out my anger and trying to get pregnant again). I was jealous of woman with children and tried to avoid them. I hated baby showers, babysitting, baby talk, abortion media, etc.

The shame of my abortion set me apart from others, including my family. I became isolated. Little messages about being so evil constantly broke me down over 20 years ... to have no self esteem and be separated from myself. 

The stress of my life in 1984 caused me to break. I had no coping mechanisms left. The Lord came into my life and He began healing me. I mourned my losses for 2 years, then I named my babies and wrote letters to them. I am now founder and president of Post Abortion counseling Services, a nonprofit, nondenominational lay counseling service. I am obtaining my masters degree in counseling (for credibility), and hope to help others.


I have gone Public with my testimony and have no problem with you using my name.

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