No Babies in the Bars...
I had 2 abortions, one in 1963 and
one in 1965. The first one was with my high school boyfriend who I wanted to
marry and did marry after graduating from college. The second one was by a
football jock from Iowa state University ... first date (prophylactic broke!).
I had 2 illegal abortions by the same bone surgeon. The first one was in his
office, after office hours. I was given a slight sedative, but was able to
remember everything. I'll always remember the sound of the placenta falling into
the bucket ... the door of a jail cell slamming shut. The second one was in the
hospital and called a D & C. I'm not sure, but I think I was further along on
the second one. I was sedated and don't recall the actual abortion.
I didn't tell anyone or get any counsel except from my first boyfriend on the
first abortion. I was a shameful "secret". Ten years later I found out I could
not have children because of scar tissue in my fallopian tubes. I was already
acting out a great deal of anger through promiscuity, but really went into a
self destructive phase when I realized I couldn't have children. I decided if
there was a God, He must be punishing me for what I had destroyed, and I was a
freak. I didn't hold babies for 20 years, became an alcoholic (no babies in the
bars), a career woman, and obsessed with sex (my way of acting out my anger and
trying to get pregnant again). I was jealous of woman with children and tried to
avoid them. I hated baby showers, babysitting, baby talk, abortion media, etc.
The shame of my abortion set me
apart from others, including my family. I became isolated. Little messages about
being so evil constantly broke me down over 20 years ... to have no self esteem
and be separated from myself.
The stress of my life in 1984 caused me to break. I had no coping mechanisms
left. The Lord came into my life and He began healing me. I mourned my losses
for 2 years, then I named my babies and wrote letters to them. I am now founder
and president of Post Abortion counseling Services, a nonprofit,
nondenominational lay counseling service. I am obtaining my masters degree in
counseling (for credibility), and hope to help others.
I have gone Public with my testimony and have no problem with you using my name.