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I wonder what the baby felt while it was being murdered

My boyfriend and I planned to have a baby. He was going to go back in the service. I already had an 11-month-old daughter from a previous affair. I got pregnant. The Army would not accept my boyfriend back. My mother told me I could not continue to live at home with another child. I had a lot of pressure from my family and my boyfriend’s family to get an abortion. My mother paid for it. To this day (7 years later) my mother still denies to my father that she knew anything about it. Eventually my boyfriend and I got married. Five months later I was pregnant again and gave birth to a healthy son. My husband and I divorced when our son was 6 months old. My husband never said anything about the abortion although he did go with me when it was performed.

When I got to the clinic there were a lot of church people outside, I walked right past them. I was too embarrassed to let them talk to me. (Now I wish I had). I really can’t remember everything, I was too terrified, I had no anesthetic at all. I can not remember what method was used. I believe I have blocked it out of my mind. I don’t even want to think about it. I remember after it was over and a lady there showed me where the restroom was. I remember sitting on the toilet crying non-stop, bleeding and in terrible pain. My mom picked me up, we got home and I went straight to bed and my mom told my dad I had an ear infection.

It has affected me in many ways, I still feel the pain and sorrow, the wonders of what the baby would have looked like and what sex it would have been. I have a lot of grief, remorse and guilt deep inside of my heart. I wonder what the baby felt while it was being murdered with its mother’s consent.

My mom and family refuse to talk about this. I have a very close friend (she’s a mother of two) who was very hurt when she found out and wondered why I didn’t confide in her before the abortion. My fiancée now of three years, knows about this abortion, but he really doesn’t understand how I feel. I have also gone through the depression, drug and alcohol abuse, low self-esteem, anger and hatred, suicidal attempts. I wish I would have the flashbacks so that I could remember what happened.

I am just now beginning to deal with it, by talking with God and turning it over to Him and also by talking to my Pastor. The wounds are still fresh and I am still in the beginning stages of healing from the abortion. I would like to have some kind of memorial service for my unborn child and I know that Jesus has got my baby in His arms.

I am pro-life now! Very set against abortions. It is (Right to Life) helping me deal with my abortion by helping others.

Priests for Life
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Tel. 888-735-3448, (718) 980-4400 • Fax 718-980-6515
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