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I was lied to and I lied to myself

I was 17 at the time of my first abortion, I wanted to have the baby so I kept putting off telling my mother I was pregnant. (My father had passed away when I was 13). By the time I had informed my mother of my condition I was about 3 months pregnant. She asked me what I wanted to do, I told her I wanted to have the baby. She said ok. When my boyfriend told his father, he became outraged. He came over to speak with my mother and convinced her that abortion was the only answer. My mother was a single parent with 3 children still at home, she was easily convinced and knowing that my mother knew what was best for me, I too was persuaded. My boyfriend's father paid for the whole thing, and got me the best Dr. in the area. However, this Dr. told me that for reasons I still don't understand, I had to wait a while before I could have the abortion. I believe I was about 4 or 5 months pregnant by the time I had the abortion. I had to have what I recently found out is a saline abortion. Salt water was injected into my abdomen.

Some hours later I went into labor and got to deliver a dead baby. I could feel everything and nobody told me what to expect from the contractions on down to the horrifying delivery. My mother was there with me the whole time. We drove home from the hospital the next day and never mentioned it again until 3 weeks ago. I'm 31 years old now. I had my 2nd abortion when I was 20. I was living with a man who would later become my husband. He was very domineering and had pretty good control over me. I was always easily controlled. When I became pregnant there was no discussion over it. He told me what had to be done, I did it. There was nobody there to tell me I did not have to do this. No one offered me an alternative, I went down to the clinic with girl friend. My boy friend said he would be too embarrassed to go with me. I was laying on a gurney in a long room with about 15 other girls, all there for the same reason. They gave me some sort of relaxant, rolled the gurney into the operating room, hooked me up and started vacuuming. The pain was horrible and seemed to last forever. After it was over they put me back in the room with all the other girls and there I proceeded to vomit. I laid there for about 30 minutes and they told me it was time to leave. It was a very humiliating experience. By the time I had my 3rd, and last abortion, I was 23. I had a 1 1/2 year old boy. I had just separated from my husband and now I was pregnant, with another man's baby. This did not look good. My boyfriend and I decided that abortion was the only answer. We arranged everything together. But this time I did not want any pain or memories. So we arranged that I would be put to sleep during the procedure, that wasn't so bad, but again, I got sick to my stomach and had to vomit right after.

You ask how the abortions affected others and me. Well, for years I was able to ignore them, pretend that they were nothing, that they meant nothing. It's just not true! Those decisions I made were the wrong thing. I destroyed 3 of my own children. I feel that by having 2 more abortions after the first one, I was trying to tell myself "see, that first one was nothing I could do this a million times because it's nothing, just a mass of tissue". Well, now I know better, I was lied to and I lied to myself. And now I get to live with all this sorrow for the rest of my life. I'm in the process of being healed emotionally right now. I'm starting to forgive myself and the others that were involved, but still, I will always have to live with the loss. I will always grieve for those babies that I never got to hold, As I mentioned earlier, my mother and I spoke for the first time about my abortion 3 weeks ago. She asked me if I resented her because of what she had me do. I told her that I understood how difficult life was for her then and having a 17 year old pregnant daughter was more then she could bear. I told her I forgave her. She cried on the phone; she then told me that she cried often over that wrong decision. It was like a wall 2 feet thick broke down between us.

I am in the process of getting post abortion counseling and it is helping.

I believe I would still be pro choice if I had not experienced "abortion" personally. People are literally lied to. I know I was, and not told any of the facts about fetal development. I am so glad I was pulled from my denial and saw things as they really are, not how I wanted them to be. I want to help other girls and women by getting the truth known. Your decision does not end the minute that life is sucked from your body; it's a decision that will never leave you for the rest of your life.

Priests for Life
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