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I was still pregnant!

As I lay in my bed tonight, I'm having a hard time letting my body relax enough to go to sleep. Before I started to write down my thoughts, my husband and I were praying, and as so often happens, my mind started to think about the two children I have in heaven that I've never seen. That I never had the chance to take to dancing lessons or little league games. That I never got to see grow up and learn to love the Lord as I do now. I think of what a wonderful life they could have now, with parents that are still together and made it through hard times with God's help.

My children would be 17 and 16 years old now. I would have 4 children instead of 2. Perhaps my daughter would have the sister she always wanted, and my son the brother that he's begged for all these years. How could I ever tell my two living children that I destroyed all their chances of that ever happening when I had killed their siblings through the act of abortion. When I think about it for too long, I don't know how I can live with what I've done.

Oh, I thought as many of you have that I was caught in a situation of no escape. I was so young, and already had a small child to take care of, and with my future being so unsure how could I possibly bring another life into this terrible world? Certainly the thoughts of a desperate 20 year old, that was caught in a web of lies and confusion. With abortion now legalized, I thought this is my way out. I let the doctor convince me that I was doing nothing wrong. He said just let me do this simple office procedure, which he called regulation, and you will start your period, then everything will be alright. It sounded too good to be true. He told me that it wasn't a baby but only a bloody blob. That it wasn't alive, only tissue that could feel no pain.

I'll never forget the pain that I suffered that day, which was nothing compared to my baby's pain. He said the procedure was 99% effective, and wanting to believe him, I stopped crying. I put it out of my mind. But why two weeks later was I still sick in the morning and feeling the way I did? Back to the doctor for another visit which confirmed my worst fears - I was still pregnant! I couldn't believe that the "Bloody Blob" as the doctor had called it was till alive inside me after the terrible ordeal that I had tried so hard to forget. He then told me I had to go in the hospital for them to finish the job. These things happen sometimes, he said, nothing to worry about, just another simple procedure.

Looking back, I know that child must have been fighting for its very life. If I had only known then what I know now about abortion! I heard what I wanted to hear, blacking out the reality of what I was about to do. The doctor said it must be done, and of course I HAD to do what he said, because he knew best. All I remember about that day was the nurse stroking my hair in the hall on a stretcher. After the shot they gave me, I remember crying quietly and mumbling "I want to keep my baby, but I can't". If I had only known that the doctor I had so much faith in was about to dilate my uterus, and dismember my baby limb from limb so it would be small enough to suck out of my body with that powerful suction machine, I would have wanted to die right there on the table with my baby. They also had to crush the baby's skull before it could be sucked out. All I know is back then I thought I was getting rid of something that would cause too many unwanted problems in my life, but what I was really doing was letting someone cut up my precious little unborn baby. I didn't really know the truth of any of this until years later.

The next time I got pregnant, with the same father, the timing still wasn't right. You see I was living in a world where nothing mattered but me. I wasn't ready to have another baby, and besides I was on birth control pills. How could this happen to me again? I was angry at my husband for getting me pregnant for the 3rd time. He was putting me through hell with his lying, drinking, and cheating. After all I had left him once and I was thinking about leaving again. Having a baby would just add something else to my already insane life. I just couldn't handle it! It was much easier this time. There were all these special clinics available now. The counselors reassured me that I was doing nothing wrong. Again I fell for the lie of abortion and was totally convinced that there was nothing living inside of me. I just knew it was one more burden that I just couldn't bear. As my husband waited, I went into a cold small room. No nice nurses this time, just a cruel procedure. I will never forget the sound of that vacuum machine as it tore my baby apart, into a jar where it was sent off to make perfume of hairspray.

After my husband and I gave our lives to the Lord in 1977, the overwhelming guilt of what I had done began to well up inside me. I couldn't talk to him about it because I blamed him in a way for what I had done. I asked God to forgive me, but it wasn't until last year that I was able to confess my sin and forgive myself. It was inconceivable to me that I could have done what I did all those years ago. I never really knew the horrible truth about abortion until about 1 1/2 years ago, because I was afraid to really know the truth. It has taken me years of mental anguish and sleepless nights of being able to forgive my husband, of fighting an eating disorder, of feeling like a hypocrite! Afraid my Christian friends would find out and no longer love me. Of feeling the horrible guilt and pain of what I had done. I know there are millions of women out there that are feeling the same.

The truth about abortion is out! Women, it is murder plain and simple. If you have given birth to a child you know how much you love it. You would probably give your life to save it. But yet every day women (1 out of every 4) kill their babies. For every abortion performed there are two victims, one dead and one wounded. This has got to stop! Not only for the tortured babies, but for the mothers who have been the victims of this lie. We all need help, and only God and his word can heal this pathetic world. We have murdered 26,000,000 babies over the past 17 years. There are more babies being aborted each day than are being born, around 4,000 a day in our country alone. I have shared my story with you in the hopes that I can save a child's life and let an expectant mother know there is a way out. I have lost 6 children that could have been born in my immediate family. I believe many of you would be surprised to know how many of your family members have been taken from you. I find it hard to believe that a 12 year old child cannot take an aspirin at school, or have their ears pierced without parental consent, but in the state of North Carolina they can have an abortion without their parents being notified. What has happened to our country?

If you find yourself in trouble with no place to turn, please know you have someone who cares. There is a better way, please don't make a mistake that you will have to live with the rest of your life. There are people that can help you at Pregnancy Crisis Centers across the country. Please call them, they can provide all your needs and help you in making an informed decision. If you're already suffering with the torment of having an abortion, there is help for you also. Open ARMS (Abortion Related Ministries) will help you recover from the aftermath of an abortion with love and support Look in your local newspaper in the classified section for more information.

I know I have two children I've never seen waiting for me in heaven. I wish I could see them now to tell them how sorry I am, and how much I love them. Please find it in your hearts to pray for our country and help get our laws changed to protect the ones that can't protect themselves. Right now the most dangerous place on the face of our earth to be is in your mother's womb. If we fight to save the animals of this world, why can't we fight to save our children?

In HIS Love,

A thankful and forgiven sinner

Priests for Life
PO Box 141172 • Staten Island, NY 10314
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